Lindsay Lohan, now shackled to the futon in her rec room, is serving house arrest time for a variety of offenses, including hoarding mini dogs and wearing last week’s sunglasses. In a series of events that have left her admirers continually inebriated awed, she has been able to pretty much continue her usual lifestyle while only having mobility within a 50 foot radius of the futon.
Paparazzi have set up camp in her backyard, mostly lying ontheir stomachs and training their cameras on Lohan’s lower level windows. They have also been able to film Lohan’s mail carrier, the UPS delivery person, and a series of young people carrying petitions for the Nature Conservancy.
iPhone in hand, La Lohan has been shopping on QVC and HSN has been able to continue adding to her wardrobe without hitting the shops of Rodeo Drive. A spokesman for QVC revealed that Lohan has become a real fan of the clothing Line The Quacker Factory and how has a collection of holiday-theme sweaters for all occasions.
(Lindsay’s latest Quacker Factory purchase)
Unfortunately, being shackled to a futon hasn’t prevented Lohan from travel mishaps and moving violations. On three separate occasions, Lohan crashed into her coffee table while maneuvering toward the bathroom. Moderate damage was sustained to the table each time, and unfortunately for Lohan, one event was captured on camera. Lohan is now being sued by the table manufacturer for abuse. Lohan had no comment.
Neither has decreased mobility deterred Lohan from further scandal. On three separate occasions, Lohan was seen negotiating with a Girl Scout cookie salesgirl. Lohan allegedly offered to buy the Scout’s entire supply of Do-si-Dos in exchange for the 10 year old to get Lohan alcohol and drugs. Lohan has denied the charges and the Scout has been unavailable for comment.
But, in a story that has replaced both the rampant political and military volatility across the globe and allegations that Weiner’s weiner has been surgically enhanced, Lohan has scored the ultimate infamous coup: She dissed Matt Lauer.
While details remain sketchy, it has been reported that Lauer, after enduring a cross-country flight in which he was served only a tiny bag of pretzels and then forced to watch “The Revenge of Kitty Galore,” was unceremoniously turned away from Lohan’s door. Two Mormon missionaries, also at the door and equally unsuccessful in communicating with Lohan, were overheard to have said to Lauer, “Don’t worry. It happens. God must have a better plan for you.” A paparazzi recorded the event, and TMZ later aired what looked like Lauer yanking the LDSer’s tie and pushing his bicycle over.
(Lauer’s second failed attempt to gain access to Lohan, this time disguised as Lindsay’s friend LaDonda)
Further details are sure to emerge, regarding both the reason for Lohan having dissed Laurer and the exact number of boxes of Do-Si-Dos that were purchased.
She's a Maineiac
June 24, 2011
I used to have a low opinion of Lohan, but now that I know she dissed Lauer, she’s moved up on my approval rating scale a tiny bit.
k8edid
June 24, 2011
You make me laugh…a lot.
lifeintheboomerlane
June 24, 2011
Hey thanks. Some posts write themselves.
Carl D'Agostino
June 24, 2011
Her antics are astonishing. It is beyond publicity stunts and personal insanity. What can be her motives? She can’t be so whack unless she thinks she’s on a mission. Or maybe she is. How does she make any money? No one would seem to want her for any Hollywood stuff. She would not even make a good rehab mascot.
lifeintheboomerlane
June 24, 2011
Unfortunately, addiction doesn’t allow for logical behavior. She’s a sad case.
TheIdiotSpeaketh
June 24, 2011
Lmao! 🙂 Thanks!
Deborah the Closet Monster
June 24, 2011
I so prefer reading your reporting over the alternatives! Can you rework all the news for us readers? 0:)
lifeintheboomerlane
June 24, 2011
I already do that in my head. Gets me into a lot of trouble.
Sigrid Rogowski
June 24, 2011
I feel sorry for Lindsay.I hope she will get her act together soon.
lifeintheboomerlane
June 24, 2011
It’s sad that with all the money and resources (and talent) at her disposal, she continues to make damaging choices.
Tori Nelson
June 24, 2011
LaDonda looks a lot like Lohan’s mom which would explain the shunning. I heard the two Lohan ladies fight frequently over who messed up whose life more. I’d call it even…. and really pathetic.
lifeintheboomerlane
June 24, 2011
Oh, I am so happy I was spared that exchange.
merrilymarylee
June 25, 2011
Don’t forget her rooftop parties! Do you think she has an in-house manicurist to paint the obscene messages on her nails?
lifeintheboomerlane
June 25, 2011
Oh my, I hadn’t even thought of that.
hansi
June 25, 2011
Your take on poor Lindsey is the best I’ve heard yet. What was she famous for that we’re paying her all this attention???
lifeintheboomerlane
June 25, 2011
Hey thanks, Hansi. Unlike Paris Hilton, the Kardashians, and other celeb twits, Lohan was a child actress. The movies she was in were geared toward kids and were really popular, and I understand she did have a certain about of talent. Everyone thought she had a bright future ahead of her. Then she imploded.
deliriouslydivine
June 25, 2011
Agreed. I have to admit that Parent Trap is one of my favorite ‘family’ movies… more so for the adult actors, but Lohan was very good.
I wish the media would quit adding to the circus and stop reporting on her (for starters): other than the wonderful humor of something like this, I’m not sure why any of us should care?
Betty Londergan
June 25, 2011
You are so funny!! Really enjoyed cruising back through your posts … keep up the hilarious work!!
lifeintheboomerlane
June 26, 2011
Wow, thanks, Betty. I have been telling everyone about your whatgives365 project. What an amazing thing you are doing, and what an inspiration you are.
georgettesullins
June 25, 2011
I too still love Parent Trap. Ill fated movie for several in it. It is sad.
lifeintheboomerlane
June 26, 2011
Yes, “sad” is about all you can say.
Elly Lou
June 26, 2011
Ung. Girl Scout cookies. Must. Procure. Ung.
pegoleg
June 29, 2011
I heard that QVC is now saying she stole that fine sweater. Lindsay’s rep says it’s all a misunderstanding. She thought it was a gift in exchange for wearing it on the red carpet in her living room.
writerwoman61
July 4, 2011
“On three separate occasions, Lohan crashed into her coffee table while maneuvering toward the bathroom.” I can do that when I’m not shackled to a futon…I don’t even need “mood-enhancing” drugs!
Funny post, Renée!
Wendy