The Incarceration of Mr Potato Head

Posted on June 23, 2011

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Today’s Washington Post reports the following: Harvard University,the home of really, really smart people, has just completed a 20 year long research project to find out exactly what makes people fat.  Researchers studied 120,000 US men and women in their 30s, and 40s, and 50s to determine the effects of food, drink, exercise, sleep patterns and other lifestyle choices.  Here is what they found: 

SOME FOODS CAUSE PEOPLE TO GAIN WEIGHT BEYOND ALL REASON. 

MANY PEOPLE GAIN WEIGHT LITTLE BY LITTLE OVER THE YEARS WITHOUT EVEN REALIZING IT.  Clothes stop fitting and after awhile they are walking around completely naked and wondering what happened. 

Darius Mozzafarian, the head of the Harvard School of Public Health, offered these tips for readers: 

  1. My name is not Mozzarella.
  2. The accent is over the syllable “far.”
  3. I am not related to the Kardashians. 

In addition, he said “The big picture of what’s new and unique here is that we looked at multiple things simultaneously.  And, believe me, it isn’t easy to get subjects to eat, exercise, and sleep all at the same time.” 

Kelly Brownell, director of Yale University’s Rudd Center for Food Policy and Obesity, had two things to add: 

  1. “George W Bush graduated from here, but we are as smart as Harvard.”
  2. “I think it’s an important study.” 

For those exasperated readers who are getting tired of the sarcasm and want hard facts, I will dispense with the sarcasm: 

POTATOES MAKE PEOPLE GAIN WEIGHT.  AND FRIES ARE THE BIG, WICKED, #1 SERIAL KILLERS OF FOOD. It is a little known fact that the great Irish immigration into the United States in the mid-1800s was caused by people fleeing from all those potatoes. (So I lied about the sarcasm thing. Shoot me.) 

NUTS ARE GOOD.  

YOGURT IS GOOD. 

REFINED GRAINS (LIKE WHITE FLOUR) ARE BAD. 

EXERCISE IS GOOD. 

TOO MUCH SLEEP OR TOO LITTLE SLEEP IS BAD.  People who sleep less than six hours or more than eight hours per night gain more weight.  People who eat fries while sleeping gain the most weight.

THERE IS LITTLE OR NO DIFFERENCE TO EITHER COWS OR PEOPLE BETWEEN SKIM, LOW FAT DAIRY AND WHOLE FAT DAIRY AS FAR AS WEIGHT GAIN. 

MEAT IS BAD. 

There’s a lot more, but readers are advised to do their own research.  And if you see a potato, hide.

 

 

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Posted in: humor, research, satire