I found a dead squirrel in my driveway the other day. As soon as I saw it, I heard my mom’s voice, “Don’t pick it up. It is probably diseased and you will get sick and die if you touch it.” I told my friend Phyllis, who was visiting and was, at that moment, sitting on my front porch, reading. She said, “Don’t touch it. Call the Animal Shelter.” Apparently, my mother was talking to her, as well.
My mother has been gone for almost 34 years now, but she still talks to me regularly. Not in a John Edwards sense. More like her admonishments are always with me. These include:
1. All dead animals are diseased and shouldn’t be touched.
2. Any food dropped on the ground should stay there.
3. Any food dropped on the floor should be thrown away.
4. Going into the ocean is a surefire way to drown immediately.
5. Airplanes are necessary but should be avoided if at all possible.
6. A man won’t buy damaged goods.
7. A man won’t buy the cow if the milk is free.
8. Always wear clean panties, because you could be in an accident and someone could be looking at them.
9. Escalators are dangerous.
10. Pinball machines lead to a life of depravity.
I loved my mother, and she exited this world all too soon. But I have to admit that I have disregarded virtually all of her admonishments. I love to fly, and I do ride escalators. But, since the DC Metro specializes in escalators that don’t work most of the time, my escalator riding is less than it should be. I touch dead animals (not in a perverted sense, more like picking them up and tossing them into the trash. I figure the Shelter has better things to do than to come to my house and get a dead squirrel/bird/mouse/whatever). And do people even play pinball machines anymore?
My ex bought the damaged goods/cow anyway, but then again, they were damaged/milked by him. And even if I weren’t in an accident, I’d still wear clean underwear. Just because. And if I were in an accident, would I care about my panties anyway? Unless the doctor was delaying putting me on a breathing machine or stopping my blood flow because he was distracted by the sight of my panties, I don’t think it would be of any concern. And whether or not I eat the fallen food depends entirely on what that food is. Vegetables get tossed; a piece of chocolate wouldn’t be. I’ve tried to get ice cream off the sidewalk or ground, but it’s a mess and then you get little pavement or soil grit in it which is disgusting.
I do avoid the ocean because I am convinced that if I go out too far, I will be swept away immediately and drown in some kind of hideous way. Is there any other way of drowning, other than hideous? Is there such a thing as doubly hideous? Like maybe you are drowning and then, while you are gasping your last breath, a big shark comes along and starts eating your leg and you have to decide which is more important, to try to breathe or to try to get rid of the shark, but there’s really no chance of either.
writerwoman61
September 23, 2010
“All dead animals are diseased and shouldn’t be touched.”
My dad didn’t get the memo…he put a dead mouse in our compost this morning…ewww!
Wendy
lifeintheboomerlane
September 23, 2010
Ewww is right.
Zoe
September 23, 2010
Great post! Thanks for the smiles!
lifeintheboomerlane
September 23, 2010
Thanks for reading!
ammaponders
September 23, 2010
Love your blog! I just found you wandering on WordPress. Keep it up, please.
lifeintheboomerlane
September 23, 2010
Thanks so much. I’m thrilled when anyone finds me. And I’ll certainly keep it up, since my brain just keeps thinking these things!
duke1959
September 23, 2010
One of things about life is that as we get older we seem to rely on those things we were told many years ago.
lifeintheboomerlane
September 23, 2010
I keep fighting it!
sparrow1969
September 24, 2010
Cute post!
…I LOVE pinball. I sure do miss playing it.
Walker
September 24, 2010
My mom used the analogy that no one would want a shoe if someone else had worn it first!!!
I hope that 10 years from now one of my sons isn’t going to write something similar?
lifeintheboomerlane
September 24, 2010
That is hilarious! My kids already make fun of me all the time. They are probably planning to write a book so that the world can join in.
Carol Benedict
September 25, 2010
I enjoyed reading your post. 🙂
The only thing on your list that my mom warned me about was to wear clean underwear in case I got in an accident. I guess it’s a little late for me to worry about the other things…
lifeintheboomerlane
September 25, 2010
Thanks for reading! Someone should write a book about all the things our moms warned us about. It would be hilarious.
Wael Abdel
September 26, 2010
My wife 33, tells my daughter 10 yrs old, admonishment #8. “Always wear clean panties, . . . someone could be looking at them.
I wonder if my granddaughter will say it to her daughter???
I enjoy your blog, thanks.
lifeintheboomerlane
September 26, 2010
Thanks for reading! The panties thing is an admonishment that probably will go through some generations. I also think it will be funny to hear what my own kids remember me warning them about!
Sunray
October 1, 2010
I came here through your comment on the post ‘I was a better mom before I had kids.’ by ‘Beth-Anne Jones’. And I’m happy i clicked on the link to follow this post and I’m all smiles through it 🙂
Nice post
hippie cahier
October 2, 2010
I wasn’t aware of the pinball warning. It explains a lot. And, yes, DC Metro should rename the escalators. They should be called “stairs.” I really enjoyed reading this.
lifeintheboomerlane
October 2, 2010
Thanks! I once came home late, after having spent all my money at a corner grocery store that had a pinball machine. I have never seen my mom go ballistic like that.
nrhatch
September 18, 2011
A man won’t buy the cow if the milk is free . . . but why should a woman buy the pig if all she wants is a bit of sausage? 😆
I’m enjoying your blog. You’re funny ~ not in an odd way . . . in a very humorous way.
Loved the Koran your son got for his Bar Mitzvah. Oh Vey! 😆
lifeintheboomerlane
September 19, 2011
Thanks! Sometimes blogging feels like being a DJ at an all night radio show. I appreciate your reading and commenting.