To celebrate my birthday, two friends (Roni and Susan) and I went to a psychic. This was no ordinary psychic. This was a psychic who had been on TV and who cavorted with other famous psychics and who was here for a one-time-only event. I was sold. Count me in and take my hard-earned cash. Here’s what I now know for my next time with a psychic: Do NOT have a psychic ménage-a-trois. Unlike getting tangled up in other people’s body parts, doing the same with psychic guides and spirits can result in confusion and a total inability to climax.
The psychic started with Susan. Susan was told very emphatically, “You are a writer.” Now, I know for a fact that the only creative writing Susan does is emailing gross sexual innuendos to prospective matches on www.plentyoffish.com. I, on the other hand, moved my derriere to the extreme edge of my seat and directed all of my thoughts toward the the psychic to inform her, via telepathy, that she was speaking to the wrong person. It didn’t work. The torture continued:
“You are a writer. I see short pieces. Something like short stories. And other short pieces.” Susan looked completely stunned, as though someone had just informed her that she would participate in roller derby. I, on the other hand, began to sweat.
“You will be very successful in getting your short stories published.” Susan finally responded, “I don’t write and I have no intention of ever doing so.”
The psychic was not to be deterred. “My spirit guide is very clear about this. You will write short stories and they will be published.”
Susan began to check her manicure. I began to inch my chair closer to hers so that the spirit guide could see that he had made a slight error, resulting in completely ruining my life.
The psychic continued: “There is a book called Writers Market….” While Susan completed her manicure check and began to pick lint off her pants, every brain cell I had was screaming, “I KNOW about Writers Market! I could WRITE Writers Market! I have exhausted countless highlighters making note of which literary agents to contact! I have notes in all themargins, detailing all of my rejections! THIS MESSAGE IS FOR ME!”
By the time the psychic moved on to theother areas of Susan’s life, I was exhausted. I sat in a stupor though details of how Susan would lose weight (by eating pineapple close to the core) and meet the love of her life (Robert or Bob, for all you over age 55 single men out there) online. I woke up only briefly during Roni’s session when the psychic said, “You like cute shoes,” and Roni responded, “Well, no more than anyone else.” Wait! I love cute shoes! Me! Me! Look at the cute shoes I am wearing now! It got worse. “You will visit Paris and buy cute shoes.” I want to visit Paris and buy cute shoes! Why can’t I do that?
By the time it was my turn, I felt like the major areas of my life had been appropriated by others (writing and wearing cute shoes). It didn’t matter that I was told my oil paintings would appear in galleries in New York and I would be making a lot of money and be famous and live part of the year in New York. I just want to write and wear cute shoes. Seriously, is that too much to ask?
kim sisto robinson
May 15, 2011
” I just want to write & wear cute shoes!”
ME TOO!!!!!!! I think, Miss Quacko was talking to me, as well xxXX Thanks for the info.
writerwoman61
May 15, 2011
Sorry your writing career is over, Renée…you’re also going to have to wear orange Crocs for the rest of your days…
Now, about those oil paintings…
Wendy
lifeintheboomerlane
May 16, 2011
Orange crocs. I’m cringing.
youngamericanwisdom.com
May 15, 2011
Not too much to ask at all! Writing and cute shoes are the key to life. In fact, cute shoes are what inspires good writing.
winsomebella
May 15, 2011
Confusing spirits is far worse than confusing body parts. Two too many involved here. Climax (and clarity) perhaps better achieved with one.
lifeintheboomerlane
May 16, 2011
Amen. And thanks for visiting Life in the Boomer Lane!
pissykittyslitterbox.com
May 15, 2011
Oh, that is too funny!
When I was in my twenties I had a somewhat older woman that I used to hang with, we’d write together, and critique each others work. She was doing research for a book she was writing and spoke with the clairvoyant, Maria Duval. She told me during this interview that the clairvoyant suddenly started describing me to a tee, and told her that her little protege was going to go far and become very successful. Yeah, good thing I didn’t get my hopes up too high. Here I am now in my late forties, and no closer to being published then I was then. Know why? I refuse to send anything in because I suffer from lack of self-confidence. Think the clairvoyant would’ve mentioned how to get around that, don’t ya! 😉
Great post!
lifeintheboomerlane
May 15, 2011
Thanks for visiting my alternate universe. That’s the problem with psychic predictions. So seem eerily on target and others way off. Do you think spirits are screwing around with us?
carldagostino
May 15, 2011
I really laugh at this foolishness but over the years I have seen a few that are absolutely astonishing. Maybe be it is because I don’t know where the mirrors are or maybe there are no mirrors.
lifeintheboomerlane
May 16, 2011
And she did say a few things that were pretty amazing, things that no one else would have known. I think there was something going on there, I just have no idea what.
TexasTrailerParkTrash
May 15, 2011
Now you’ve piqued my curiosity–who was the psychic? ‘Cause there are several I can think of who’ve been on teevee—Lisa Williams, Sonia Choquette, Char Margolis, to name a few. I think it would have been pretty difficult to do a reading for three people at once. Too easy to get the psychic wires crossed. If you felt those messages were for you–claim them. I would!
TexasTrailerParkTrash
May 15, 2011
Oh, and Happy Birthday! 🙂
lifeintheboomerlane
May 16, 2011
Thanks, TTPT! My friend said the psychic “opened” for Neale Donald Walsch” somewhere. I don’t know the TV shows she was on. But I don’t want to say her name because I am making fun of what happened, and she was very nice.
judithhb
May 15, 2011
Cute shoes are necessary for all writers and bloggers.
Les Aventures de Nadz !
May 15, 2011
soooo funny ! I was exhausted for you ! ahahha what a weirdo psychic. I guess that proves that even though they are famous … it doesn’t mean they have the gift !
lifeintheboomerlane
May 15, 2011
Thanks for visiting Life in the Boomer lane! The psychic actually knew some things about Roni and Susan that no one could have known, and one thing about me. But the three of us together–too confusing.
jacquelincangro
May 16, 2011
Believe it or not, the same thing happened to me when me and 2 of my friends when we had our auras read in Sedona, Arizona. Our auras must have gotten jumbled together or something. It was hysterical.
Hopefully the writing spirits and the cute shoe goddess will find you instead of your friends.
lifeintheboomerlane
May 16, 2011
Thanks, Jacqueline. Yes, I’m convinced about the jumbled aura thing. Ah, those pesky auras. Tough to keep them in line.
deliriouslydivine
May 16, 2011
So, all those guys out there who think the menage a trois is fun haven’t seen a psychic, I guess?
I would be right there with you ! I also have the Writer’s Manual and love cute, expensive shoes… I predict that you will recover from your trauma soon and go on to be a successful artist, bouncing from oils to pen and ink.
lifeintheboomerlane
May 16, 2011
Thanks, DD. Love the first line of your comment.
The Good Greatsby
May 16, 2011
Don’t consider the visit a complete waste until I report back on the success of the “eating pineapple close to the core” diet.
lifeintheboomerlane
May 16, 2011
I am off to Safeway today to find the packaged pineapple core in the produce section. Otherwise, this is an expensive proposition.
Carole
May 16, 2011
Happy belated birthday, for a gift do you want the orange crocs or the pink ones?
lifeintheboomerlane
May 16, 2011
I can’t ever leave my house again.
Kathryn McCullough
May 16, 2011
Good God, this is craziness! How funny that the psychic kept going, no matter what she was told!
I also want to write and waer cute shoes!
Kathy
Kathryn McCullough
May 16, 2011
By the way–Happy Birthday!
lifeintheboomerlane
May 16, 2011
Thanks, Kathy. You know, I have had enough feedback now about the combo of writing and cute shoes, I’m thinking of hawking shoes on my blog. After all, the creative muse comes and goes, but shoes are forever.
Elly Lou
May 16, 2011
Wait. So if I’m serious about writing I have to give up my crocs? I’m not sure I can handle that sacrifice. I mean, I CAN RUN THEM THROUGH THE DISHWASHER. Can you say that of Prada?
Tori Nelson
May 16, 2011
Nothing like getting your fortune jacked on your birthday 😦
Did you get a refund?
lifeintheboomerlane
May 16, 2011
Tragically, no. I also noticed that she didn’t tell them that they would continue to be responsible for Aunt Gert. Oh no, they got the good stuff.
pegoleg
May 16, 2011
The really sad thing is that your good friends Susan and Roni have stolen your dream life, leaving you nothing but the roller derby and orange croc dregs.
lifeintheboomerlane
May 16, 2011
I’m going to be having nightmares about Crocs.
Ashley S.C. Walls
May 16, 2011
This post is hillarious! I really want to share and like, but I can’t find the share buttons on your blog ;(
lifeintheboomerlane
May 16, 2011
Thanks for visiting Life in the Boomer Lane, Ashley! And, to show you how inept I am with all this, I have no idea how to do that! I know I do get messages that other people are posting my posts in various places (like bathroom walls) but that’s all I know. Can you explain to me how to do that?
SisterMerryHellish
May 16, 2011
Huh. My psychic was spot on!
Psychic: You seem nervous.
Me: Do I?
Psychic: You cannot sit still and seem to be perspirating.
Me: Oh that. After we leave, my friends here want me to go on a roller coaster. I’m afraid of roller coasters.
Psychic: Of course you are. In a past life you died while riding a roller coaster.
Me: Also, we took the stairs up.
lifeintheboomerlane
May 16, 2011
Oh my god, you have just said it. I have a morbid dread of roller coasters. I am at the top and the thing breaks down and no one can fix it and I am just up there forever, swinging away and the only way to get down is that a helicoptor comes along and releases one of those wiggly swinging ladders and I have to grab it and climb up. Except I don’t. I just have a heart attack and die. PS: The stairs up was funny, but don’t think my nightmares don’t also include that.
merrilymarylee
May 16, 2011
Well Hell’s bells, it was YOUR birthday… it was ALL ABOUT YOU!!!
Case closed.
Pass the birthday cake.
lifeintheboomerlane
May 16, 2011
Yeah, really, even though it wasn’t technically my birthday. My birthday was 5/5, but this was my birthday outing. So it still counds, right?
omawarisan
May 17, 2011
and that was the special guest psychic? I wonder what you’d have gotten from the every day psychic?
I see big people. You are a linebacker.
Rev. Lynn DeLellis
May 23, 2011
Funny story, but seriously, I do not allow people to sit together in readings. It really does change the energy.
And even though everyone says this is all for fun, some serious, personal topics do tend to come up and it is best that friends are not there listening.
lifeintheboomerlane
May 23, 2011
Thanks for visiting Life in the Boomer Lane, Lynn. Your comments make perfect sense. Should I ever do this again, I will have learned my lesson!
Paula Lee Bright
June 2, 2011
Can we still be friends if I know for a fact that I will NEVER go to a psychic, with or without friends?
Can we if I don’t care about cute shoes?
Can we if I too am a would-be, wannabe, woulda-been writer if I could only stop reading Writers Market?
Your stuff is funny! I’ll be back, and see you around! 🙂
lifeintheboomerlane
June 2, 2011
Yes, we can be friends. We’ll just come up with other areas of connection: books? coffee ice cream? soaps? chocolate? grandchildren?