Sex and the Sixty-Year-Old: Evolution Has Come to This

Posted on January 26, 2013

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It’s believed that humans originated about 200,000 years ago in the Middle Paleolithic period.  According to Wikipedia, they began to experience “full behavioral modernity” about 50,000 years ago. Susan, in joining a new dating site, has apparently discovered a pool of Homo Sapiens Sapiens who managed to avoid the shift to full behavioral modernity.  Fortunately, I’m here to translate.

White professional male, down to earth, intelligent, non smoker, caring, loves to see ladies in skin tight jeans and nice smile. About the one I’m looking for…same traits and qualities.

Translation: He wants a woman who likes to see other women in skin tight jeans.

*****

I like going to the movies , or watching movies in my room…

Translation: He still lives at home.     

*****

I’m looking for a woman to hold and comfort me in need, stand by my side, respect me, passionate lover in every way, support me in every way, love me and only me, make me smile, protect me when needed, romantic time to time,constantly creative, and treat me right..I like a woman who is caring,sweet,Strong heart, caring,loving, compassionate, affectionate, honest, best of all you believe in God! and a good listener ..a woman who has a good sense of humor, …if she is not happy ,i’m not happy too.                                                

Gosh, why wouldn’t a woman be happy comforting and holding her man?  Oh, and respecting him and making him laugh and being sexually creative and being a good listener and protecting him when needed.  Presumably, she can take a break from protective services, when not needed, and divert her attention to cooking.

In return for the laughs and protection, he wants to “talk things that i would love to do with my woman” …………..Get caught with my woman in the rain. Dance with her in the rain. Stargaze on a clear night. Watch the sunset together. Spend all day with her doing nothing. Moonlit walks on the beach. Be more proud of her than i already am at this very moment.Go on a carriage ride through the park. Do a crossword together. Go to brunch, Have a disagreement (it could/will only make us stronger).Go for a twilight horseback ride.Watch bad/good movie together.Spend the rest of my life with you.Have our picture taken together.Eat ice cream with her.Make love to you passionately.Go to a museum together.Talk to each other using only body language.Give you space when you need it,but not space to hurt each other.Accept you totally and completely for the rest of my life.

How is he already proud of someone he hasn’t met? And what if I’m getting along with him but he is looking to have an argument to make us stronger? I’m not sure which is the most appealing, having a disagreement or not giving space to hurt each other.  Or is giving space to someone hurting them?  And is that how I am supposed to be protecting him? I’m so confused, but it doesn’t matter.  I’m in for the ice cream.

*****

i enjoy being romantic ,active spontaneous & comedic person , confident. i like surprises, music, dancing, sports, books, last minute plans, open mind, photography, museum, craziness, spontaneity, going out (but also staying in), sharing, simplicity, respect, flip flops (yes, the sandals)….

So, would this mean he is spontaneous?  It doesn’t matter. I like a man who offers options, like going out or staying in.

*****

Have you ever seen it in a movie when a hot actor has to reveal his naked ass? That’s my job.

(We take a five-minute break here, while this blogger tries to remember where she stashed the vibrator).  Is his job to take off the actor’s pants?  Or does he take off his own?  While he leaves his potential paramour to consider the options, he takes care to offer his, uh, intellectual side, as well: 

On a typical Friday night I am: Trying to figure out the major and minor products when 1-bromo-2-propene reacts with potassium tert-butoxide. Either that or partying like a rock star.

Partying like a rock star aside, the question is, if several Friday nights have gone by and you still haven’t figured out the major and minor products when 1-bromo-2-propene reacts with potassium ter-butoxide, it might be time to set that quandary aside and do something that has a greater chance of success, like making a volcano with papier-mache, baking soda, and vinegar.  Or just watching Honey Boo Boo.  But the important thing is to give those brain cells a break.

 *****

The most private thing I am willing to admit: I wear a special cologne. It’s called Sex Panther by Odeon. It’s illegal in nine countries…and it’s made with bits of real panther, so you know it’s good.

I want to know the nine countries in which this cologne is illegal and then relocate to one of them.

*****

I wear socks that match and I love my mom.

Personally, I don’t think you can do better than this, so I will end on this high note.

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