How Not to Make A Pumpkin Cheesecake

Posted on January 4, 2012


1. Consult recipe. Carefully make a list of ingredients.

2. Shop for the ingredients. Return home.

3. Find the bowl of crushed chocolate wafers in the fridge that you used for a previous recipe. Intend to use them for the crust. Forget if they have already been mixed with sugar and butter. Decide to compromise. Put butter in but no sugar.

4. Preheat oven.

5. Press the now most likely over-buttered and under-sweetened chocolate wafer mixture into the bottom of a springform pan

6. Mix pumpkin, brown sugar, evaporated milk, and vanilla in a bowl. Try to add eggs, but note that there are none in residence.

7. Turn oven off. Return to store. Buy eggs. Return home.

8. Re-preheat oven.

9. Add the eggs to the mixture. Set aside.

10. In a second bowl, mix sugar, cornstarch, spices, and salt. Add one package of cream cheese, mix, and note that the color is too dark.  Consult the recipe.

11. Turn oven off. Return to store. Buy two more packages of cream cheese. Return home.

12. Re-preheat oven.

13. Continue mixing ingredients. Combine the contents of both bowls. Pour into springform pan.

14. Remember too late that you forgot to first bake the chocolate wafer crust.

15. Place springform pan in oven anyway. Glance at recipe. Notice too late that the recipe calls for reserving a portion of the cream cheese mixture for the topping.

16. Bake a really long time because the oven isn’t calibrated correctly. Forget how long the cheesecake has been baking.

17. Serve to people who do not bake. Watch them be  impressed.  Say “Oh, it was nothing! I love to bake!”

Recipe available upon request.

Posted in: baking, humor, life, satire