1. Consult recipe. Carefully make a list of ingredients.
2. Shop for the ingredients. Return home.
3. Find the bowl of crushed chocolate wafers in the fridge that you used for a previous recipe. Intend to use them for the crust. Forget if they have already been mixed with sugar and butter. Decide to compromise. Put butter in but no sugar.
4. Preheat oven.
5. Press the now most likely over-buttered and under-sweetened chocolate wafer mixture into the bottom of a springform pan
6. Mix pumpkin, brown sugar, evaporated milk, and vanilla in a bowl. Try to add eggs, but note that there are none in residence.
7. Turn oven off. Return to store. Buy eggs. Return home.
8. Re-preheat oven.
9. Add the eggs to the mixture. Set aside.
10. In a second bowl, mix sugar, cornstarch, spices, and salt. Add one package of cream cheese, mix, and note that the color is too dark. Consult the recipe.
11. Turn oven off. Return to store. Buy two more packages of cream cheese. Return home.
12. Re-preheat oven.
13. Continue mixing ingredients. Combine the contents of both bowls. Pour into springform pan.
14. Remember too late that you forgot to first bake the chocolate wafer crust.
15. Place springform pan in oven anyway. Glance at recipe. Notice too late that the recipe calls for reserving a portion of the cream cheese mixture for the topping.
16. Bake a really long time because the oven isn’t calibrated correctly. Forget how long the cheesecake has been baking.
17. Serve to people who do not bake. Watch them be impressed. Say “Oh, it was nothing! I love to bake!”
Recipe available upon request.
Life in the Boomer Lane 
Betty Londergan
January 4, 2012
You had me laughing from “How Not to Make …” I had a somewhat similar issue with something I was making over the holidays (that I have blissfully forgotten, one of the few perks of getting so f#@** old) … and I totally forgot to read ahead, reserve essential ingredients, or do the right thing in the right order. And OH YEAH — Sherry and travelspirit33, your blogger pick of the week, are GREAT! terrific blog, lovely person!
Life in the Boomer Lane
January 4, 2012
Thanks, Betty. I could write an entire “cooking” blog, with all the mayhem I create in my kitchen. I’m glad some people can relate. And I knew you would like Sherry. You are two great spirits!
Kathryn McCullough
January 4, 2012
Brilliant conslusion, Renee! LOVE it!
Kathy
Life in the Boomer Lane
January 4, 2012
The entire secret to successful cooking is to only serve your food to people who don’t cook. Write that down.
rose
January 4, 2012
Sounds like the instructions I give my daughter when she calls and asks me how to make something! Funny post.
Life in the Boomer Lane
January 4, 2012
I always pretend I know what I’m doing when I give people instructions. Then they’ll say, “What about the apples? Don’t I put apples in the apple pie?” and I’ll be all casual and say, “Oh, sorry, I’m just so used to making this, I assumed you knew.”
daeja's view
January 4, 2012
All too familiar until #17, my fail….. 🙂
Life in the Boomer Lane
January 4, 2012
Read my comment to Kathy.
Tori Nelson
January 4, 2012
Unless it “cooks” in a toaster or microwave, I’m out. Did you know it is possible to give someone food poisoning from toast? Yeah, I didn’t either 😦
Life in the Boomer Lane
January 4, 2012
I love you, Tori.
She's a Maineiac
January 4, 2012
See, number 17 just never seems to happen for me no matter how hard I try.
Life in the Boomer Lane
January 4, 2012
You aren’t working at it hard enough. See my comment to Kathy.
Carl D'Agostino
January 4, 2012
I always forget an ingredient but since it is only one thing and the store is a hassle I substitute. Last time I didn’t get the apples for apple cobbler. So I substituted. With string beans. It is strange that substituting just that one ingredient made it taste nowhere near like apple cobbler.
Life in the Boomer Lane
January 4, 2012
You are hilarious, Carl. Somewhere, in the depths of the zillion recipes on the planet, there might actually be a recipe for string bean cobbler. Then again, maybe not.
ryoko861
January 4, 2012
I’m always good for a spur of the moment idea to make some sort of confection only to realize once I start putting all the ingredients together, I don’t have a certain spice or enough flour or whatever. Like Carl above said, substituting really can make a recipe not taste at all like you thought it should!
Life in the Boomer Lane
January 4, 2012
I used to substitute things of like color. That doesn’t work at all.
Paprika Furstenburg
January 4, 2012
I seem to recall a similar post of your adventures in baking. Gotta hand it to you, you don’t give up easily.
Life in the Boomer Lane
January 4, 2012
I’m planning to start a food blog that will blow all the other food blogs out of the water. It will also have me banned from all kitchens on the planet.
territerri
January 4, 2012
Shhhh… I’m reading blogs at work… And trying desperately to contain my hysterical laughter over the string bean cobbler! OMG!
I am immediately adapting the Life-in-the-Boomer-Lane theory of cooking and baking. I’ve been doing some cooking for my dad lately. No wonder he is so impressed with my “skills.” He doesn’t cook! No more trying to impress people with culinary skills of their own.
Life in the Boomer Lane
January 4, 2012
Good girl, Terri, you’re learning.
gojulesgo
January 4, 2012
Ha! Pumpkin cheesecake is overrated anyway. I tried making it for the first time for Thanksgiving and it was totally blah.
That’s why invented the Cheesecake Factory.
gojulesgo
January 4, 2012
Oops – it was supposed to say: “That’s why -insert diety here- invented the Cheesecake Factory.
Life in the Boomer Lane
January 4, 2012
I like both restaurants.
John
January 4, 2012
You stole my recipe!
Life in the Boomer Lane
January 4, 2012
But which supermarket do you go to three times? That might differ.
winsomebella
January 4, 2012
The critical ingredient you did not forget was the audience of people who do not bake. Always the best guests.
Life in the Boomer Lane
January 4, 2012
My only guests.
nrhatch
January 4, 2012
Well told tale, Renee!
I had a similar experience once making my great aunt’s famous Ginger Snaps . . . as I substituted ingredients on hand for the ingredients on the recipe card (because we lived 35 minutes away from the nearest supermarket), they lost all resemblance to cookies.
And they did NOT *snap* . . . at all. I took them to the party anyway, and told everyone they were Ginger Scones. 😉
Life in the Boomer Lane
January 4, 2012
Good for you. I made rugelah this year, as I do every year. This year, the dough refused to roll out. I mushed everything together, formed it into patties and served rugelah cookies.
k8edid
January 4, 2012
Welcome to my world…
Life in the Boomer Lane
January 4, 2012
It gratifies me that I am not alone.
dramaqueen1913
January 5, 2012
Hallelujah for happy accidents and non-picky palates.
Life in the Boomer Lane
January 5, 2012
Amen.
writingfeemail
January 5, 2012
Add a son who eats previously purchased ingredients while you are at the store – i.e. cream cheese melted into salsa for dip. Then you start hiding the ingredients and can’t find them until they expire. Yikes!
Life in the Boomer Lane
January 5, 2012
Oh my. In my case, I have been known to eat my own ingredients, then have to go back to the store. Re hiding: Now Husband has to hide things from me that he gets at the store. Seriously. I tell him to hide them, then I go on a snack hunt in his study.
pegoleg
January 5, 2012
I tried your recipe, but it failed even with serving it to people who do not bake. Now I only cook for people with no taste buds and I’m golden.
Life in the Boomer Lane
January 5, 2012
Ooh, I have to start cultivating people like that, as well.
youngamericanwisdom.com
January 5, 2012
I am not a baker because it all has to be so damn precise. You can’t just throw in a little of this and a little of that. Thanks for the laughs. It’s good to know I’m not alone.
Life in the Boomer Lane
January 5, 2012
You are definitely not alone!
Walker
January 5, 2012
Too funny. I think we’ve all experienced the frustration of discovering we don’t have a necessary ingredient, but add to that the vagaries of aging and forgetfulness! Great combination.
Life in the Boomer Lane
January 5, 2012
Maybe we can all just create a new cuisine for the world.
Carol R Craley
January 5, 2012
I think I’ve used that same recipe! I admire you determination and “keep trying” attitude. I’m afraid I would have succumbed to Cheesecake Factory or Sara Lee in the freezer case.
Life in the Boomer Lane
January 5, 2012
Now Husband is a fabulous, intuitive cook. So I pretend to bake. Plus, when I toss things out to people like “Oh, I made mango mousse the other day,” they genuflect.
pegoleg
January 5, 2012
Did you really make mango mousse the other day? (hitting knees amidst worshipful silence).
Life in the Boomer Lane
January 5, 2012
Not the other day, but in the summer, yes. See, this is what happens when people bake. Others worship at their feet. They haven’t seen the kitchen ceiling covered with dripping mango.
notquiteold
January 5, 2012
I’ll pass on that recipe, thanks.
Life in the Boomer Lane
January 6, 2012
Gosh, I was hoping someone would take me up on my offer.
My Inner Chick
January 5, 2012
–I’ve been there ( many times )
You explained it hilareously & exquisitely. Xx
I forgot the eggs in one of my recipes and never told anybody. I then brought them to a graduation party.
Am I bad?
Life in the Boomer Lane
January 6, 2012
Not bad at all. I long ago stopped telling people about all the essential ingredients that never made it into my recipes.
Lunar Euphoria
January 7, 2012
That almost sounds how I cook – minus the eggs, add kitchen fire
Life in the Boomer Lane
January 7, 2012
Oh, funny. I’ve never set the kitchen on fire. But I did try to cook fish about 30 years ago and it took days for the fishy-odor smoke to clear the house. I’ve never made fish since.
Laurie Mirkin
January 7, 2012
I haven’t told too many people this story, out of shame, I guess. I had purchased some really expensive lamb chops to serve to my ex-husband (in my “other life”.) I had a rather old oven/broiler setup and of course I hadn’t cleaned it ( not self-cleaning ) in let’s say, A LONG,LONG TIME. So I’m broiling these very expensive lamb chops and all of a sudden I look in the little window into the broiler/oven and I see THE LAMP CHOPS ARE ON FIRE!!! Well, I grabbed the Halite fire extinguisher I purchased for just such an occasion, and put the fire out right away. I stood there and stared at them, thinking to myself ” I AM NOT GOING TO THROW AWAY THESE LAMB CHOPS!” I mean, you couldn’t see by looking at them that they had been through anything, and the fire extinguisher fine print did not say DANGEROUS IF INGESTED, so I proudly served those chops 10 mins. later and they made a big hit with the ex. You couldn’t even taste anything. Really.
Life in the Boomer Lane
January 7, 2012
This is a wonderful and hilarious story. You should be proud of your ingenuity in the kitchen. Plus, you could give testimonials for the fire extinguisher company. Kudos to you!