7 Quick Steps to Better Sex

Posted on December 15, 2011


AARP has come out with a guide to “7 Quick Steps to Better Sex.”  This is important for two reasons.  One is that the steps are “quick.” If they weren’t, we might get caught in mid-air, forgetting why the chandelier is at eye level and why there is a naked person lying on the bed beneath us.  The second is that there are only seven steps. It has been shown that any steps over the number 7 can result in aging brains revisiting the heyday of the Johnson Administration.

Now, on to the steps:

1. Take a pain reliever.  According to AARP, because many folks over age 50 suffer from aches and pains, a pain reliever can produce noticeable improvement in sex.  It can also, depending on the kind of pain reliever we choose, result in our finding ourselves waking up on the kitchen floor, drinking from the cat’s water bowl.

2. Experiment with pillows.  AARP warns that “discomfort may occur when older lovers hold one position for a long time or when you engage in activities and positions that can strain the neck, back, shoulders and arms. Extra pillows — or even foam wedges — can make a tremendous difference.”  Be advised that too many pillows may result in inadvertent suffocation of one or more partners, and that partners who engage in silent sex may not be aware of this until hours later.

3. Use a lubricant.  This writer has nothing to add here, except to offer, for a large sum of money, carefully researched data on different lubricants.

4. Try one-word coaching.  AARP explains that the most powerful erotic word is “yes.”  When your partner does something you like, say “Yes” or “Aaah.”  If you haven’t taken your pain meds, you may substitute “Oy” or “fugoff.” 

5. Do it earlier.  If the only late-night assignations you are now experiencing are with the toilet or the bottle of Tums, think about morning or afternoon sex.  Your performance will be enhanced and the mailman and all delivery people will be duly impressed.  If you have unemployed children still in residence, they might be horrified enough to go out and find a job.

6. Pencil it in.  AARP, in a perfect example of  malice without forethought, tells us that “when people fall in love, they can’t keep their hands off each other but the hot-and-heavy period rarely lasts more than a year or two.” And desire differences (men more, women less) often become a chronic relationship irritant. “They can drive people crazy and ruin sex. No wonder they’re a leading reason why couples consult sex therapists.”

The way to deal with this, according to the sex therapists that have been consulted and paid handsome sums of money, is to schedule sex, sometimes a month in advance.  In other words, take a joyful, passionate event, and fit it in between taking out the garbage and getting one’s teeth cleaned.  Presumably, these sex therapists will use their professional fees to purchase color-coded, magnetized refrigerator calendars for sexual scheduling and not instead go on cruises where they will have hot, spontaneous sex with cruise ship entertainers named Vito.

The most astute readers may have noticed that there have only been six Quick Steps listed.  We can infer from this that there is an AARP writer wandering around somewhere who has either misplaced Step 7 or worse, who is now bothered by thoughts of “I know I was doing something important, something about finally getting a gig writing for AARP, but I can’t remember what it was.”

Because of this, this writer will now add Quick Step 7: Do not have sex the day after hernia surgery. In fact, do not even think about sex the day after hernia surgery.  Take all of the pillows you normally use for sex and create a very high wall in bed between you and your partner.  If he/she makes any untoward move in your direction, a foam wedge my be inserted into their nearest vulnerable area.