At lunch, the other day, my friend Libby and I were sharing the progress of our respective novels.
Me: My novel is sitting behind my printer under a pile of blank copy paper and all the communication from the IRS regarding my 2003 tax return.
Libby: Why not just finish it?
Me: Unfortunately, the IRS doesn’t work that quickly.
Libby: I meant the novel.
Me: Oh, that. Yeah. Well, I sort of came pretty close to the end, then decided that nobody in it deserved to get any of their issues resolved, so I stopped.
Libby: Outline 4D.
Me: Huh?
Libby: Outline 4D. That’s what I’m using. Outline 4D lets writers brainstorm, create, structure, and organize ideas. You can customize the outline structure or choose a pre-built template. You can track any feature, concept or design. You can move your outline around on the screen and change the timeline or events or whatever. You can be god!
Me (glancing around for large video cameras): Are we in some kind of infomercial? I have no idea what you are talking about. And I’m having a crappy hair day. I don’t want to be on camera.
Libby: You can drop characters into different scenes! You can make events go backward! You can insert dead languages into dialogue or just have people speak in tongue! Or hieroglyphics! Or that Aztec language that wasn’t even written down!
Me: Uh, is Joan Rivers here? Doesn’t she hawk things on TV?
Libby: You can stack up all the screens and then collapse them and see what the novel looks like then! You can mix your novel up with Shakespeare and use it for a party game! You can chop everything up with the Cuisinart function! Grate, shred, or mince!
Me: OK, OK, I’ll take a look. But I have to tell you, technology isn’t my thing. I wrote my first novel on a typewriter. A typewriter, for god’s sake.
Libby: Dragon Speak!
Me: (looking around again) I knew Joan Rivers would be here somewhere.
Libby: Dragon Speak! Software that let’s you dictate entire novels into the computer and it writes everything down! It was a dark and stormy night period! Letitia comma bosoms hugely heaving comma moaned softly quotation marks oh Ralph comma your eggplant is quite purple isn’t it question mark. Quotation mark I grow it for you comma my delicious little—
Me: Enough! I give up. I’ll check it out.
Libby: You won’t be sorry exclamation point! Uh oh comma I have to go period. Oh no comma I cant stop period. Make me stop exclamation point!
Me: Does the program come with a warning about this kind of thing?
Life in the Boomer Lane 
ryoko861
November 14, 2011
I past this info onto a writer friend of mine. You two have a lot in common! Both of you are boomers who have boomer blogs and you both write!
lifeintheboomerlane
November 15, 2011
What is the name of your friend’s blog?
Kathryn McCullough
November 14, 2011
I know about the Dragon software, but not this novel writing thing. Think I can write a memoir with similar software? Brave new world we live in.
Kathy
lifeintheboomerlane
November 15, 2011
I suppose so. I think timeline and events are made easier. One of the sites said it takes the place of index cards, so I think it sort of helps you organize things. But I didn’t read it that carefully because I could feel myself drifting off. My friend loves it.
Gayane
November 14, 2011
Love this Renee [comma] Victor Borge would be proud [exclamation point] Wish I could add the sound effects too [dot dot dot (oops elipsis)]
lifeintheboomerlane
November 15, 2011
Did he do that???
Gayane
November 15, 2011
Yes, it is one of his most famous and beloved routines.
Elly Lou
November 17, 2011
I never, ever get tired of Vic. I adore him, three.
ecodolphin
November 14, 2011
I have never heard of, Outline 4D, this is so cool. Thanks for posting this, I can’t wait to try it!
lifeintheboomerlane
November 15, 2011
Let me know what you think. Now I’m really curious.
Sarah@afterhood
November 14, 2011
Made me laugh.
Thanks
4D: I would spend so much time slicing and dicing and translating every sentence between Middle English languages, that I would never write more than that first paragraph. Talk about lost in a parallel universe!
A friend just wrote a great opening line “K (Insert heroine’s name here), stop fondling the kumquats.”
lifeintheboomerlane
November 15, 2011
I want to read that book.
Judith
November 14, 2011
Thanks Renee for the laugh. But seriously I went over to look at 4D and it looks amazing. If I use it I could ” insert dead languages into dialogue or just have people speak in tongue! Or hieroglyphics! Or that Aztec language that wasn’t even written down!” That seems to be just up my street as we say. The only problem is I would spend so much time playing with 4D that nothing would get written.
And I just love the opening line above – what are kumquats? 🙂
lifeintheboomerlane
November 15, 2011
Yes, the kumquat line was great. It’s a fruit that exists more in literature than in person. I’ve seen it referred to but I’ve never seen it in the store.
Elly Lou
November 17, 2011
They look like tiny, oblong oranges. Or big, strange-colored grape tomatoes. They don’t taste like either of those things. They taste like patriotism. Or something.
Also why am I trolling all up in your comment land?
lifeintheboomerlane
November 17, 2011
I don’t know, especially since my security lights are on. But in your case, I won’t call the police.
nrhatch
November 15, 2011
Wonderful post. You had me smiling all the way through.
I’ve seen kumquats in the store . . . they’re small citrus fruits that you eat rind and all. Little oranges.
lifeintheboomerlane
November 15, 2011
Ah, you smarty pants, you. Yes, now that you mention it, I was probably too distracted by the rutabaga to notice.
Elly Lou
November 17, 2011
Also maybe I should read them all before saying shit that gets said in the very next comment.
Also I think jicamas are weird.
Doc
November 14, 2011
“…your eggplant is quite purple.” I love when you talk dirty…
lifeintheboomerlane
November 15, 2011
I’ve been banned from several supermarkets.
gojulesgo
November 14, 2011
Ha! That sounds very neat; I’m going to have to check it out. I just dusted off my first book today, determined to get my act together after 3 years of dragging my feet!!
lifeintheboomerlane
November 15, 2011
Let me know how it goes. Things like that scare me. But I’m glad you got that manuscript out.
Amy
November 15, 2011
Exactly what I need. More novel writing tools that distract me from actually writing my novel!
lifeintheboomerlane
November 15, 2011
I took a look at the website and could feel myself floating away.
pegoleg
November 15, 2011
What Amy said.
I’d love a program that could take dictation, but I couldn’t handle speaking the punctuation. The world will have to wait for the greatest work ever put to paper until I can afford a full-time stenographer (do they still make those?)
lifeintheboomerlane
November 15, 2011
I think they went out with rotary dial phones.
Patricia
November 15, 2011
I so want to check out the Outline 4D! But if I do I will be stuck there and might be missing for days. Besides I am not writing any book! Well, that is what I said about blogs…If I am MIA send somebody into cyberspace to get me and bring me back to reality. No wait…not reality just somewhere close to it would be fine.
lifeintheboomerlane
November 15, 2011
Tie a rope around your waist and secure it tightly to your chair. And keep lots of snacks handy.
John
November 15, 2011
Is there a way to write a novel without thinking too?
lifeintheboomerlane
November 15, 2011
Ohmygod, why didn’t I put that in my post question mark Damn exclamation point
My Inner Chick
November 15, 2011
–What was your first novel?
Novel writing sounds damn complex” 😉
lifeintheboomerlane
November 15, 2011
The only one that saw the light of day was “King of the Gypsies.” It’s available on Barnes and Noble online. The one “5 star” review is from someone who never read the book and wrote something that has nothing to do with it. Hilarious.
k8edid
November 15, 2011
It was a dark and stormy night period! Letitia comma bosoms hugely heaving comma moaned softly quotation marks oh Ralph comma your eggplant is quite purple isn’t it question mark. Quotation mark I grow it for you comma my delicious little—
Where is the “Laughing my Pants Off” button?
lifeintheboomerlane
November 15, 2011
I wish there were one comma as long as there wasn’t also a quotation marks this sucks quotation marks also exclamation point
Arindam
November 15, 2011
Wow comma Quotation mark how can someone pass an information by making us laugh question mark Quotation mark. You are too good as a writer and very funny as a person. That makes your writing different from others. Thanks for the information.
lifeintheboomerlane
November 15, 2011
Ah, Arindam, you are welcome, and I am humbled by your comments.
Gayane
November 15, 2011
oh and I will also check out the sites you mention.
audubonron
November 15, 2011
You make writing a book sound easy. I started one and somewhere around chapter 1 it turned into the Great American Sermon, and it’s a good thing I stopped b/c in Chapter 2, I was fixin’ to get to the part about the Apocalypse and THAT would have been a complete holiday bummer so I asked the Little Woman what should I do and she said, Get A Job! Got to love that Little Woman. It’s not that I don’t have words, I got plenty of words, it’s just catching those critters and gluing them to paper is where I get distracted…I learned about a comma from Boy George – Comma, Comma, Cameleon…so, you think there is any hope for me…book wise?
lifeintheboomerlane
November 15, 2011
Thanks for visiting Life in the Boomer Lane, AR. Hey, if I’ve made writing a book sound easy, you haven’t looked at the behind my printer, lately. I have enough trouble making sense of my own life, let alone the tiny people I would create who would all be bouncing around in some kind of scary random fashion and doing things I had no control over. “Catching those critters and gluing them to paper” is a great way to put it. That said, I will answer your question for a large sum of money in the form of a certified check mailed directly to me. And a question for you. You are a funny guy, AR. Do you have a blog?
Tori Nelson
November 15, 2011
I’d say this post would make the best 4D sales pitch ever.
lifeintheboomerlane
November 15, 2011
And I’d say comments like that will have me grovelling and slobbering all over your shoes.
TheIdiotSpeaketh
November 15, 2011
I wonder if there is an Outline 4D version for Idiots…. That would be something I would be real interested in 🙂
TheIdiotSpeaketh
November 15, 2011
I’ve been looking up info and some demo’s on that Outline 4D program and it looks like it will be real useful in helping me lay out my book. I’m adding it to my Christmas list! Thanks for the post Renee! 🙂
lifeintheboomerlane
November 15, 2011
I’m so happy, and my friend will be thrilled! And something tells me you don’t need the Idiot’s version. I would, but not you.
The Good Greatsby
November 16, 2011
Sometimes I’m too busy to type or dictate. Does Dragon Speak have a setting that will write the novel even if I’m not dictating?
lifeintheboomerlane
November 16, 2011
You’re in luck. Forget Dragon Speak. For a very large sum of money, I will send you a novel that has been about 90% completed. If you merely write “The End,” preferably at the end, you will have a novel.
oldereyes
November 16, 2011
I tried some sort of writing software years ago but it kept bringing out the engineer in me. I was afraid I’d write a Tom Clancy novel (nothing wrong with that but it’s not what I want to write). I guess I enjoy the way a plot develops the old-fashioned way, when characters do things I didn’t expect. As far as voice recognition software goes: No thank you. I write because my brain works better at the pace I can write. Took me a lot of years to figure that out. Enjoyed this post.
lifeintheboomerlane
November 17, 2011
Thanks, and I can relate to everything you say. Except I’ve never been afraid I’d write a Tom Clancy novel.
ifiwerebraveblog
November 17, 2011
Thanks for the tips. I’m not sure I’m ready to lay my money down, but I am thinking about it. If you end up using either product, I hope you’ll share your experience with us!
lifeintheboomerlane
November 17, 2011
My friend Laurel (disguised as Libby on the post) was here last night. She hasn’t used either yet, but I’ll give an update when she does.
The Simple Life of a Country Man's Wife
November 23, 2011
This software stuff is all foreign to me, but your post had me laughing.
Are we in some kind of infomercial? haha!
lifeintheboomerlane
November 24, 2011
I find technology to be material for humor, but little else.