ABC Evening News featured that startling revelation last week. The latest U.S. Census Bureau accounting of older Americans has revealed that the senior population is not only larger than ever before, at 40.3 million, it also includes a larger proportion of men, given their increasing life expectancy. In 1990 there were only 82.7 men for every 100 women aged 65-plus. As of 2010, the bureau reported today, that was up to 90.5 men per 100 women, courtesy of the narrowing differential in mortality rates.
This news sent both purchases of apple pie-scented Zestra, as well as new female memberships on online dating sites, to unprecedented highs. A spokeswoman for the National Association of Single Senior Woman responded with, “We haven’t had evidence of the existence of older single men in any real numbers since about 1999, so this is huge. There have been random sightings, of course, but nothing has been verified. Our attempt, in 2005, to start a leg banding program had to be shelved, as the men just seemed to go deeper underground.” A spokesman for the National Association of Single Men couldn’t be reached, since there is no association, nor spokesman, nor anyone who cares.
The ramifications of this new data are important for two reasons: One is that this writer loves the word “ramifications.” The second is that with senior men living longer, and with the veritable (also a favored word) tsunami of Boomers continuing to crash over into the age 65 demographic whether they want to or not, the general population is being warned not to make the mistake of taking this situation too lightly. The last time a fatal underestimation occurred concerning a shifting demographic was in 1565 when the first European settlers stepped onto American soil. It is now known that a small group of Native Americans who actually witnessed this event turned to each other and said, “I don’t think this is such a big deal. It’s only a shipload and they look sort of stupid anyway.”
Back to senior dating: Research has shown over and over that senior men can’t hide in their homes for an indefinite period of time. After awhile, they must show themselves, if only to open the door for the pizza delivery person. Eventually, they find themselves, often without realizing it, signing up for speed dating events or agreeing to meet the recently divorced mother-in-law of their dental hygienist. And once their protective armor is penetrated, they start thinking about other forms of penetration.
Because of this, the legendary Dr Ruth Westheimer, now age 83, has been called out of retirement to sell her latest book, Dr Ruth’s Sex After 50, and to appear on YouTube. She explains that seniors can take several easy steps to recreate the excitement they lost sometime during the George W Bush administration. This also includes sex.
Numero Uno on Dr Ruth’s list is to Concentrate on your good features. Look in the mirror and focus on something you like. It can now be reported that seniors heeding this advice and failing to find any feature on themselves that they would characterize as “good,” were able to achieve moderately satisfying sex using only features that belonged to inanimate items within their reach. Based on this, Dr Ruth will be coming out with another book next year titled, The Illustrated Guide to Senior Sex: Moving Past Body Parts to Get the Sex You Deserve.