How to Be An 80-Year-Old Pole Dancer

For those Boomers who are contemplating spending their retirement years as monthly Diamond Plus cruisers, take note: You might soon be the only people onboard the cruise ship. In a survey of 1500 middle class Americans, Harris Interactive found that 25% say they will “need to work until at least age 80” to live comfortably in retirement.  Given the recent meltdown of the economy, it is estimated that the average American will actually have to continue working until 12 years past death.

Three-fourths of the people surveyed say it is more important to have a specific amount saved before retirement, regardless of age, as opposed to only 20% who say it is more important to retire at a specific age, regardless of savings. The remaining 4% had no opinion except to say that they thought the Patriots will win the Super Bowl. Other enlightening items include:   Three-fourths of the respondents expect to work in their retirement    years. 39% of all respondents say they will need to work to make ends meet or to maintain their lifestyles. 35% say they will work because they want to, rather than out of financial need.

Interestingly, the belief that they will have to work throughout their retirement is not shared by younger people. Only 34% of those age 25 to 39 believe they will need to work in retirement. Most of these respondents were contacted while they were living in the basements of their parents’ homes.

Of the Americans who plan to work in retirement, almost half say they will do “similar work” as their pre-retired years, assuming their pre-retirement years have not been spent on high-rise construction crews or as call girls.   42% say they will work in a position that requires “less responsibility.”  The remaining 11% were politicians, who, when asked the same question, could not come up with a job that would require less responsibility than the one they already had.

The ramifications of all this rampant work ethic will have several consequences, not the least of which will be seniors vying for jobs usually held by young people.  Bicycle messengers will ride large motor-assisted tricycles.  Professional pole dancers will hug poles from a seated position on the floor.  Personal trainers’ demonstrations will be limited to fingertip push ups.  Flight attendants will push walkers instead of beverage carts.

But there is good news ahead. Mick Jagger is already planning his 2060 album, “No Headstone for this Stone.”   And Hugh Hefner will be hosting a massive gathering of all Bunnies and Girlfriends at his 100th birthday celebration in 2026.  He will be accompanied by his latest girlfriend who could not be reached for comment, as she isn’t born yet.