(The following is the sixth in my new series, “Old Posts to Dredge out on Slow Weekends Because When I Posted Them Originally People Cared More About the Economy and World Peace Than My Blog.” Although nothing has changed, it’s the start of a slow weekend.)
It’s that time of year, again, when we discover that the flour we haven’t used since last December has weevils in it, and our recipe box is filled with restaurant carry out menus. Have no fear. If you are planning to bake anyway, here are several rules that are really important for baking success:
1. Read a recipe first and see what ingredients you still need before starting to bake. This will avoid the following when it is 3AM and you are already half way through the recipe:
“Oh no, I don’t have a cheesecloth/mandoline/rehruckenform!” or
“Oh no, I am out of sugar/flour/salt!” or
“What the hell is a rehruckenform?”
2. Make a list of needed items before you go to the store. Note: Your list will be useless you refer to #1 first.
3. Acquire a husband/partner who is either retired or unemployed and who owns a bicycle/scooter/motorcycle and who can zip off numerous times to get ingredients that weren’t on your shopping list because you didn’t refer to #1 first.
4. Remember to thank husband/partner when he returns with the needed item instead of yelling “Oh, shit!” as he walks in the door because you see another item you need, because you didn’t refer to #1 first.
5. Items of same color cannot be used for substitutions, just because you didn’t refer to #1 first and because your husband/partner is taking a nap after his fourth trip to the store. This item is especially critical when the items are not only the same color but also the same consistency. Baking powder will not give the same results as powdered sugar, no matter how much you want it to.
6. Calibrate your oven before starting. This has absolutely nothing to do with #1, but will assist your baking and might provide you with a big laugh over the discrepancy between what your oven thinks it is doing and what it is really doing. Hopefully, the big laugh will occur before you bake, rather than while your guests are eating dessert.
7. Make sure oven door hinges work properly. This will prevent the door coming off or opening in a way that prevents it from ever closing again. If this happens, wake up husband/partner and scream “Oh shit! The oven door came off again!” He may or may not assist, but the cat that is sleeping on his head might eventually come in to investigate.
8. Thank everyone graciously when they shower you with accolades at the gathering where you have provided truly world-class desserts. If necessary, step on husband/partner’s foot to prevent him from speaking. Also thank your neighbor for lending her oven after your oven door fell off.
*****
Check out my new Blogger of the Week!
Life in the Boomer Lane 
Marion Driessen
December 10, 2011
Grinning, just grinning. Thank you! 😀
lifeintheboomerlane
December 10, 2011
You are so welcome. I knew the oven door coming off would come in handy someday.
Paprika Furstenburg
December 10, 2011
Very fun post with very pracitcal advice!
lifeintheboomerlane
December 10, 2011
Thanks, Paprika. I excel at the practical.
K.L.Richardson
December 10, 2011
Funny as always…but I do think you were peeking in my window one evening while *I* was baking.
lifeintheboomerlane
December 10, 2011
Someone should video us when we are baking. Oh boy.
christina
December 10, 2011
being a pastry chef i scoffed at your “rules for baking”. (this was before i read them). ahhhh, so simple yet so important….thank you for #1….sometimes i forget!!!! and thank you for the smiles….
lifeintheboomerlane
December 10, 2011
And thanks for visiting Life in the Boomer Lane! The truth is, I love to bake. But sometimes, things in the kitchen get mighty interesting. I’m now making the pick-up desserts for a friend’s future daughter-in-law’s bridal shower. Another friend gave me fancy little muffin pans to use. I tried using them for the mini-pies and cheesecakes. All that happened is that I destroyed the pans and the baked goods, trying to get them out. Finally went to the store and bought mini cupcake papers and started all over. Aaargh.
gojulesgo
December 10, 2011
Ha! Love this. I’m a pretty good baker, but have DEFINITELY had my “Oh sh*t!” moments, believe you me (and many more to come, I’m sure)! The worst is when you forget just ONE ingredient. Especially now that we’re out in the sticks – it’s like a 30 minute roundtrip to the nearest store.
I also love the Blogger of the Week feature – great idea!
lifeintheboomerlane
December 10, 2011
Thanks, Jules! I always forget one ingredient. Unfortunately, I do that about six times.
Kathryn McCullough
December 10, 2011
How funny! I love it that other items of the same color can not serve as substitutes for missing ingredients. Who knew?
And, dear Renee, thanks so very much for making me your blogger of the week. I’m honored–truly honored. And I can’t tell you how much your support of my memoir project has meant to me. Your emails and phone call have both humbled and encouraged me–helped keep me brave! Thank you!
(If your readers want access to my most recent post, the password is “mother.” http://reinventingtheeventhorizon.wordpress.com/2011/12/09/the-lord-told-me-to-and-other-sad-excuses-for-holiday-heartlessness/ )
Hugs,
Kathy
lifeintheboomerlane
December 10, 2011
I want everyone to read your memoir!
John
December 10, 2011
My #1 rule of baking advice for me: Find a good bakery.
lifeintheboomerlane
December 10, 2011
Sometimes that’s the best way to bake.
Audubon Ron
December 10, 2011
9. Go to the bakery section at Walmart and buy the baked goods already b/c if you’re actually going through the trials of 1 through 8, you should not be allowed in the kitchen. You might get run over by the Pillsbury Dough Boy and left for dead and that’s no way to spend the holidays.
BTW, the occasional flecks of snow that passes over your blog site is causing me a severe case of vertigo and I really want to come visit you b/c I like you and junk. Tell me you will not snow anymore after the holidays.
lifeintheboomerlane
December 10, 2011
This is the 3rd time I’ve tried to reply. My comments to you keep disappearing. OK, here goes: I feel like the guy in Lil Abner with the flies buzzing around his head. Everyone things I did the snow thing, but it wasn’t me. Apparantly, WordPress thinks I need snow. In January they will probably send naked babies raining down on my blog, wearing banners that say 2012. And, re Walmart: Interesting that you buy your baked goods there. So it must be you who is enabling the Walmart heirs to have a net worth equal to the total of the bottom 30% of this country.
dramaqueen1913
December 11, 2011
FYI, you can go to your settings and turn off the snow….
Audubon Ron
December 12, 2011
Walmart is the nearest bakery to me. It is 16 miles away. When I say I live way up in a swamp/woods, I mean it. The way you know you hit the correct road to my place is you’ll hear Dueling Banjos. I did it to move myself to a hermitage. It worked!
lifeintheboomerlane
December 12, 2011
I note your extreme circumstances, and I hereby grant you a dispensation. I assume you are in the Witness protection Program, so I won’t ask any questions.
ryoko861
December 10, 2011
I NEVER ask my husband to fetch me any ingredients. A 20 minute task will take him 1 hour because he’ll get lost in the store for one thing and then ADD kicks in and he’ll come home with not only the missing ingredient but enough garbage food for the neighborhood. .79 has turned into $7.00. “I thought we could use this.”. “Sure, hon, no problem. Sour Cream Pringles has always gone well with the Christmas Tree Spritz cookies.”
I will have to admit my 30+ year old GE oven still is pretty accurate. It’s the cook that needs recalibrating sometimes.
lifeintheboomerlane
December 10, 2011
I love the last sentence and I love how your husband shops.
bigguyblogger
December 10, 2011
Funny, funny. We just moved in a month ago so this is my daily routine. Sometimes I think it would be easier to move my kitchen to the grocery store.
lifeintheboomerlane
December 10, 2011
I’m laughing.
nrhatch
December 10, 2011
Fun post, Renee.
Years ago, I read a wonderful book . . . Simplify Your Life by Elaine St. James. She advised simplifying the holidays by only doing what adds to our enjoyment, rather than just adding to our To Do Lists and stress levels.
That year I didn’t do any Holiday Baking.
I never resumed what had been a chore.
I now leave the holiday baking to people who actually enjoy baking.
Aah . . . that’s better.
lifeintheboomerlane
December 10, 2011
Hurray for you! I actually really enjoy baking (just not having my oven door fall off). My holiday to-do list has gone down to almost nothing. I stopped sending cards several years ago. What a relief.
merrilymarylee
December 10, 2011
Everything sounds right to me. At least the oven door didn’t BLOW off. Kudos!
lifeintheboomerlane
December 11, 2011
Yikes. Now I’m afraid my door will blow off.
My Inner Chick
December 10, 2011
—Ahhh, So that’s why nothing turns out for me…
I NEVER follow directions.
…And I’m always saying “SHIT!” … because I forget half of the ingrediants on my list (which I leave at home on the kitchen counter.)
You. Crack. Me. Up.
lifeintheboomerlane
December 11, 2011
I seriously hate directions. They are really boring. Of course, the results one can get without following them would be equivalent to driving without obeying lights or road signs.
speaker7
December 10, 2011
I would like to know what a rehruckenform is considering I just ate one.
Thanks for any assistance you can provide.
lifeintheboomerlane
December 11, 2011
If you did, get to the ER immediately, if not sooner. It’s a ridged metal baking pan/mold and a cake of that name also, made from the mold. One of the recipes says it’s a “cake named after, and made to look like a tenderloin of venison.” I’m not making this up. This is for all those social events where you want your cake to look like meat.
mzem
December 11, 2011
What a fun post. I can sooo identify.
The one substitution I made was when I had run out of parsley I used mint in my husband’s scrambled eggs. Needless to say he has never liked mint since and he does the cooking now.
lifeintheboomerlane
December 11, 2011
Substitutions are really interesting, and at times, can be life-threatening.
notquiteold
December 11, 2011
I have found in my baking that if I’m out of anything that has any connection to “dairy” – I use sour cream. It can pretend it’s butter, milk, cheese…. sour cream is very cooperative.
lifeintheboomerlane
December 11, 2011
Now Husband uses Turkish yogurt that way. I’ll try sour cream as well. Hey, I can put it in my coffee.
Barb
December 11, 2011
You are so brave to send a man to the store. He must not call you 14 times while he’s there and then returns with beer, salsa, and chips but not your item.
lifeintheboomerlane
December 11, 2011
Seems to me there’s a common thread here.
Claire Takacs
December 11, 2011
Don’t worry about weevils – just throw the flour in the freezer and freeze the little buggers. And, if you don’t want to sift the flour, your cakes will have the benefit of added protein.
lifeintheboomerlane
December 11, 2011
I’ve actually naver had weevils, but I did have pantry moths. Those are nasty little suckers. They got into a box of Baby Familia, and I had the tiny little larvae crawling up the pantry walls. Ugh.
dramaqueen1913
December 11, 2011
I like the way you think, Claire….
dramaqueen1913
December 11, 2011
Now for my own comment…..
It is usually hubby who gets the wild holiday hair to bake….and usually me playing clean-up batter because he went to “lay down for a minute.” Luckily I didn’t mind much, but it’d be nice if “WE” would actually bake when “WE” suggest that we do.
writingfeemail
December 12, 2011
Did we ever find out what a rehruckenform was? Too funny!
lifeintheboomerlane
December 12, 2011
Hey, thanks. Scroll up to see my answer to Speaker7.
lifeintheboomerlane
December 12, 2011
First time I’ve ever commented on my own post. Everytime I look at the illustration, the visiting woman keeps looking more and more demented. Should be one of The Good Greatsby’s caption contests.
She's a Maineiac
December 14, 2011
Absolutely! I could have fun with this one!
writerwoman61
December 12, 2011
I loved this post the first time, and I still love it! Thanks for a fun start to my Monday, Renée!
Wendy
lifeintheboomerlane
December 12, 2011
Thanks, Wendy! I’ve noticed that when I select a piece to repost, it gives me the opportunity to see it through fresh eyes and to tweak it, sometimes in a jaor way. And the reaction to some of the pieces I wrote way back then is “Now, why on earth did I think that was funny?”
She's a Maineiac
December 14, 2011
Hilarious! Many a time I’ve said the words, “Oh, shit!” while baking. And while cooking. And before, during, and after I’ve tried to accomplish anything in the kitchen.
Alaina Mabaso
December 18, 2011
Great post. But the thing that got me the most was the baking woman in the picture, bending over the oven in high heels. Is that how women used to bake? Can’t imagine it.
Life in the Boomer Lane
December 18, 2011
It’s a scary picture for that reason, and for several others. Like that hat. And that guest’s wild, demented eyes.
Paprika Furstenburg
December 19, 2011
I nominated you for the Liebster Award. You can check out my blog for the small print that goes with accepting such an honor 🙂
Life in the Boomer Lane
December 19, 2011
Paprika, for a couple reasons, I no longer accept awards. But believe me when I say that I am deeply honored. And I will do all I can to continue to be worthy of your kind words.
Kathie
December 24, 2011
When my BIL was in the Peace Corps in India, his servant (well paid and delighted to have the job, at $1/day…kept BIL well-fed, in clean clothing and sane), always sieved the flour 3 times. Anything left over after that wasn’t big enough to harm anyone (he said).
Life in the Boomer Lane
December 25, 2011
Thanks for visiting Life in the Boomer Lane, Katie. Great comment!