Toddler anatomy differs from other anatomies, like adults and marsupials. Because their center of gravity is so low to the ground, Toddlers resemble real people less than they do Hobbits, without the medieval garb or hairy toes. And, like Hobbits, they live in a miniature world of their own creation. Yet, because they are so small, their adventures often occur beneath adult eye level. Adults generally don’t find out that their environment has been seriously altered until they either step on a half-eaten banana or a AA battery.
Hobbits have Hobbit names. Toddlers have human names, but in many cases, when asked “What is your name?” a toddler will answer with something that sounds eerily like “Frodo” or “Bilbo.” Hobbits have faces similar to humans. So do Toddlers. Yet, a discerning adult human can tell the difference between his face and that of a Hobbit or a Toddler. Neither Hobbits nor Toddlers can grow beards, and this helps adult humans to distinguish the difference.
The life span of the average Toddler consists of about two years, specifically ages one to three, bridging babyhood and childhood. The life span of the Hobbit is much longer, averaging 90-100 years. However, the Toddler makes up for his brief time on the planet by exhibiting certain behaviors, such as a having a complete meltdown in public, thereby making time feel like it has stopped completely for the accompanying adult human.
Smeagol, a Hobbit, was transformed into a pitiful monster, “Gollum” by dint of finding the powerful “One Ring.” In an attempt to keep the ring for himself, he retreated to a distant, virtually inaccessible cave. When found, and threatened with loss of the One Ring, he became murderous and enraged. Much the same aversion to sharing can be observed in Toddlers, when required to share toys. This is especially pronounced when the Toddler is required to share toys with an alien being (another Toddler he doesn’t know) in a setting like the Disney Store, in which countless people can watch and pass judgment.
A special note must be made of the Toddler Brain, which has the uncanny ability to immediately reorganize any ordinary items around the house into instruments of death. And, presented with a choice between two brightly-colored and very expensive toys, the Toddler will generally choose a butcher knife.
Smeagol aside, Hobbits are basically happy, engaging creatures. Toddlers are the same and add a lot of joy to the lives of others, specifically their grandparents . Like Hobbits, they go back to their own little beds each night. For visiting grandparents, a few stiff drinks Advil and a good night’s sleep will allow them continued participation in the Toddler’s World the following day.
pegoleg
July 25, 2011
I want whatever you’re having, Renee. Hysterical! Sounds like you’re having fun in Middle Earth.
lifeintheboomerlane
July 26, 2011
Yes, and Middle earth is a perfect way to describe it. I’m off for home today. It’s been a glorious trip. I’ll see the Hobbit and his baby brother again when they come to DC in Sept.
Lunar Euphoria
July 25, 2011
Who of all the Wise could have foreseen it?
lifeintheboomerlane
July 26, 2011
Amen.
TexasTrailerParkTrash
July 25, 2011
There’s a kids’ show I used to watch with my grandkids called “Lazytown” that had a young boy character called Stingy. He used to sing this song:
This mailbox is mine
And that triangular sign
The blue balloon, the month of June
They’re mine, mine, mine, mine, mine
Ziggy’s sweets are mine
That birdy’s tweets are mine
The city streets, both of your feet
They’re all emphatically mine
It all belongs to me
Everything that I see
North, South, East and West
I caress it, ‘cause I possess it
I’m Stingy and it’s mi-i-ne
And this instrumental break is also mine
The floor and the ceiling are mine
All your feelings are mine
You always knew it,
That’s all there is to it
It’s mine, mine, mine, mine, mine
That’s what I said: “It’s mine!”
lifeintheboomerlane
July 26, 2011
Hilarious, and so apt at certain times.
Kathryn McCullough
July 25, 2011
This is wonderful, Renee. Between Sara and me we have close to three toddlers–one fully grown toddler—one toddler in the making–another who entered toddlerdom over the weekend.
Good luck with today’s close encounters with toddler!
Kathy
lifeintheboomerlane
July 26, 2011
“Close Encounters With Toddler” is the perfect way to describe it! Ah, three toddlers in your lives–what over-the-top fun.
writerwoman61
July 25, 2011
Sounds like you’re having a fun time with your grandchildren, Renée! Had to laugh at the butcher knife analogy…
Wendy
lifeintheboomerlane
July 26, 2011
It’s been a hoot, a loving, joyful hoot. Comes to an end today as I’m off for home.
Elly Lou
July 26, 2011
Get this up on wikipedia, STAT.
lifeintheboomerlane
July 28, 2011
Wait, does this mean I’m an expert in something? What is it?
Tori Nelson
July 26, 2011
Ditto Elly. Also? You are a genius.
lifeintheboomerlane
July 28, 2011
Ohmygod. It took me 64 years to know something. I bypassed Chemistry and Typing, waiting for this.
winsomebella
July 26, 2011
Clever and hilarious, again. A nice read after a swimming outing with my two year old hobbit….eerrr, granddaughter.
lifeintheboomerlane
July 28, 2011
Thanks! And lucky you.