Bristol Palin:Plastic Surgery-ing With the Stars

Posted on May 12, 2011

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In an attempt to quell the insidious rumors going around that she has had plastic surgery, Bristol Palin invited a reporter to her home inAlaska.

“First off,” she started, this is absolutely, completely, 110% not true. I did not have plastic surgery.  I had corrective jaw surgery.  I did not want to have surgery. My doctor told me I had to have it.  I would consider plastic surgery only under an “extreme situation.”  “I wouldn’t get plastic surgery unless I got in an accident or something terrible and got disfigured.”

When asked by the reporter to describe the accident and subsequent disfiguration that resulted in her having to have plastic surgery, Palin answered, “Can I offer you a moosemeat sandwich and a beer?” 

When pressed, Palin said the entire hoopla about her face was an attempt by Michele Obama to direct the focus away from her (Palin’s) ongoing campaign to encourage teens to remain sexually pure.  “If I were a virgin and spoke to teens about abstinence, do you think anyone would listen to me?  No.  Less than no. Way, way, less than no.  I had to go out and do the nasty with Levi all those times in the backseat of his car and in his house when his parents weren’t there, and in my house a lot,  and oh yeah, in the bathroom at school, and that one time in the dressing room at the Wal Mart.  And then I had to get pregnant and have a kid, all to give me credibility.  Now when I stand up in front of teen girls and tell them that being a teen mom sucks, like really, really sucks, like you couldn’t ever imagine how much it sucks, they know I know what I’m talking about, you know?  That’s what being a leader is all about.  You guys have no idea,the sacrifices I’ve made.” 

In response, the reporter requested mustard with his sandwich.  When Palin returned with his food, he asked her what was next for her. 

“I’d like to continue to be a model for youth, for a life of abstinence and of commitment to the high ideals with which I was raised.  To that end, I will be moving to LA and filming a reality show.  I will go there in order to work at a small charity, while living with my good friends from ‘Dancing With the Stars,’ Chris and Kyle. Oh, and Tripp will be with me. Yeah.  I almost forgot about him.”

 When asked which small charity she would be working for, Palin said it was one started by Dr 90210 to provide breast augmentation for teens who otherwise couldn’t afford it.  But, Palin added, “only on the advice of the teen’s doctor.  We would never advise girls to go out and get big boobs just because they want to. I’m all about personal responsibility.” 

The reporter then attempted to question Palin about her memoir, “Not Afraid of Life,” due to be released this summer.  Palin’s response was, “Abstinence. Honesty. Patriotism. That’s the heart of it.  If you want more, you have to buy the book.  So, you want more moosemeat?”

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Posted in: celebrity, humor, satire