In an attempt to quell the insidious rumors going around that she has had plastic surgery, Bristol Palin invited a reporter to her home inAlaska.
“First off,” she started, this is absolutely, completely, 110% not true. I did not have plastic surgery. I had corrective jaw surgery. I did not want to have surgery. My doctor told me I had to have it. I would consider plastic surgery only under an “extreme situation.” “I wouldn’t get plastic surgery unless I got in an accident or something terrible and got disfigured.”
When asked by the reporter to describe the accident and subsequent disfiguration that resulted in her having to have plastic surgery, Palin answered, “Can I offer you a moosemeat sandwich and a beer?”
When pressed, Palin said the entire hoopla about her face was an attempt by Michele Obama to direct the focus away from her (Palin’s) ongoing campaign to encourage teens to remain sexually pure. “If I were a virgin and spoke to teens about abstinence, do you think anyone would listen to me? No. Less than no. Way, way, less than no. I had to go out and do the nasty with Levi all those times in the backseat of his car and in his house when his parents weren’t there, and in my house a lot, and oh yeah, in the bathroom at school, and that one time in the dressing room at the Wal Mart. And then I had to get pregnant and have a kid, all to give me credibility. Now when I stand up in front of teen girls and tell them that being a teen mom sucks, like really, really sucks, like you couldn’t ever imagine how much it sucks, they know I know what I’m talking about, you know? That’s what being a leader is all about. You guys have no idea,the sacrifices I’ve made.”
In response, the reporter requested mustard with his sandwich. When Palin returned with his food, he asked her what was next for her.
“I’d like to continue to be a model for youth, for a life of abstinence and of commitment to the high ideals with which I was raised. To that end, I will be moving to LA and filming a reality show. I will go there in order to work at a small charity, while living with my good friends from ‘Dancing With the Stars,’ Chris and Kyle. Oh, and Tripp will be with me. Yeah. I almost forgot about him.”
When asked which small charity she would be working for, Palin said it was one started by Dr 90210 to provide breast augmentation for teens who otherwise couldn’t afford it. But, Palin added, “only on the advice of the teen’s doctor. We would never advise girls to go out and get big boobs just because they want to. I’m all about personal responsibility.”
The reporter then attempted to question Palin about her memoir, “Not Afraid of Life,” due to be released this summer. Palin’s response was, “Abstinence. Honesty. Patriotism. That’s the heart of it. If you want more, you have to buy the book. So, you want more moosemeat?”
Life in the Boomer Lane 
Kathryn McCullough
May 12, 2011
This is beyond brilliant, Renee–and so f***ing funny, I’m almost willing to advocate abstinence for all big-boobed lesbians, including myself–almost. Not quite.
Kathy
lifeintheboomerlane
May 12, 2011
I say abstinence for everyone! It sounds like such fun. Her next book will be “How to Abstain AND have Great Sex.”
Sigrid Rogowski
May 12, 2011
O boy ! this is so funny.
Carole
May 12, 2011
Hahahahaha snort! I think I need a cup of tea (party) and a good lie down after reading that.
lifeintheboomerlane
May 12, 2011
Yeah, take it easy. Reading about one person’s vision and commitment can be exhausting.
youngamericanwisdom.com
May 12, 2011
Fantastic! My kids are getting moosemeat sandwiches in their lunchboxes today instead of the standard PB&J.
lifeintheboomerlane
May 12, 2011
I want moosemeat pizza.
deliriouslydivine
May 12, 2011
Wow.. didn’t realize it was the same person.
Love the bit about Tripp… what a role model and what a land of opportunity we got going here! Glad I have grown-up children.
lifeintheboomerlane
May 12, 2011
I see politics in her future. And a position of Spokesperson for Planned Parenthood.
omawarisan
May 12, 2011
Its a good thing she did not have plastic surgery to become more attractive to people to not have sex with.
lifeintheboomerlane
May 12, 2011
Well said, Oma.
Amy
May 12, 2011
“they know I know what I’m talking about, you know?”
Perfect vapid delivery!
Why do people keep throwing money at these idiots? And how do I get in on that action?
lifeintheboomerlane
May 12, 2011
Send me a large check and a stamped, self-addressed envelope and I will send you the details.
writerwoman61
May 12, 2011
I happen to love moosemeat, Renée…I do not love SP or her spawn though…
You have the way teenagers talk down perfectly…very funny piece!
Wendy
lifeintheboomerlane
May 12, 2011
That’s really funny, because I’m not around teens anymore. Good to hear that.
TexasTrailerParkTrash
May 12, 2011
Here in Texas, Gov. “Goodhair” Rick Perry had this exchange recently:
“Abstinence works,” said Governor Perry during a televised interview with Evan Smith of The Texas Tribune.
“But we have the third highest teen pregnancy rate among all states in the country,” Smith responded.
“It works,” insisted Perry.
“Can you give me a statistic suggesting it works?” asked Smith.
“I’m just going to tell you from my own personal life. Abstinence works,” said Perry, doggedly.
So that’s it. It works for dogs and Rick Perry.
lifeintheboomerlane
May 12, 2011
and Bristol. Oh, on the teen pregnancy subject: I wrote a post awhile ago about teen pregnancy and how appalled I was that “Teen Moms” are being splashed over all the mags. I remember that some of the feedback was that the show was actually discouraging young women from getting pregnant because it showed the truth about teen parenting. Well, today I saw a spread in yet another mag, featuring two of those reality show teen moms posing in bikinis (sans babies on their hips) and saying that one of them just had breast enhancement. Gee, what a turn off that must be to a to a high school girl.
TexasTrailerParkTrash
May 12, 2011
And as far as Bristol’s “corrective jaw surgery” goes, I was a dental hygienist, my husband was a dentist for 30 years and neither of us can come up with a plausible reason why she would need that for what she says was an overbite. (If she had what is known as Class III malocclusion, where the lower jaw severely juts out past the upper teeth, then yes. But that’s clearly not the case here and that is a major surgery that is not undertaken lightly.)
In any event, jaw surgery for “realigning” her teeth wouldn’t result in sucking the fat out of her cheeks and neck.
lifeintheboomerlane
May 12, 2011
Thanks for clarifying what I suspected. I am planning a facelift because the doctor said it would be the only way to correct a pimple on my chin.
planejaner
May 12, 2011
She is so young…and so lost…and so very sad with herself.
I can relate…we were all young and insecure…or, maybe we still are?– but I hope she can grow up to be all she’s meant to be…
(and, it was a funny post…)
blessings
jane
lifeintheboomerlane
May 12, 2011
It’s unfortunate that, at least for the time being, her access to fame and fortune is leading down a less-than-optimal path.
SisterMerryHellish
May 12, 2011
She and this charity go together perfectly! I mean, if you’re abstinent you don’t have sex, which means don’t get pregnant, which means you don’t get big boobs!
See! They go together like beer and moosemeat sandwiches!
lifeintheboomerlane
May 12, 2011
Thanks. I needed someone to make sense of this whole thing for me.
Patricia
May 12, 2011
Is it just me…she looked better before she didn’t have plastic surgery.
lifeintheboomerlane
May 12, 2011
I agree. Now, she looks like she is trying out to be a Kardashian.
Tori Nelson
May 12, 2011
Do I want more moosemeat? No. Way, way, less than no.
Haha! This was hilarious…. unless a Palin somehow gets into public office again, in which case I will view this post as my first warning that I should have fled the country a long time ago!
lifeintheboomerlane
May 12, 2011
The two of them (mother and daughter) leave me feeling like road kill. Can I flee with you?
Sigrid Rogowski
May 12, 2011
She reinvents herself all the time.I wonder what is going to be next.
lifeintheboomerlane
May 12, 2011
I’m too scared to think to think about it.
judithhb
May 12, 2011
Here on the other side of the world we had heard of course about SP (who hasn’t) but her daughter defies belief.
Wonder if she really believes the rubbish she spouts or if she stands in front of her bedroom mirror with a script practicing before she faces the interviewer. And moosemeat? That’s one delicacy we don’t have here and one I don’t think will come any time soon.
Thanks for another great post.
lifeintheboomerlane
May 12, 2011
You are welcome, and that’s a great question about whether she actually believes what she says. I don’t know which is scarier, that she would be so delusional or that she’s laughing all the way to the bank.
TheIdiotSpeaketh
May 13, 2011
She’s all about responsibility huh….. That’s the best quote of the day! 🙂
lifeintheboomerlane
May 13, 2011
Yes, for an entire generation of young people, she sets the standard.
Elly Lou
May 13, 2011
My new band is going to be called “Less Than No.” Speaking of which, do you play the cow bell?
lifeintheboomerlane
May 13, 2011
You can use “Less Than No,” if you’d like. But don’t try to use “Way, Way Less Than No.” I have that one copyrighted. I haven’t played the cowbells since ’63, but I could take a refresher course.
merrilymarylee
May 13, 2011
The Palins give me a headache.
Didn’t I hear that Bristol bought a home in Arizona. I was hoping she’d move there and live quietly ever after. If the doctor did indeed suggest corrective jaw surgery, I’m sure it was to SHUT HER MOUTH!
lifeintheboomerlane
May 14, 2011
Oooh, that’s good.
georgettesullins
May 14, 2011
Another smart post. Meat, alcohol and sex. You’ve covered them brilliantly. Sober question: At age 20 or 21…does she go to school? I know I can Google the answer, but the question has to be asked.
lifeintheboomerlane
May 14, 2011
Thanks, Georgette. You know, I’ve never seen a reference to her going to any school, so I have no idea. Gee, maybe she can follow Snooki as a speaker at a major university.
The Good Greatsby
May 15, 2011
She’s doing important work volunteering for that breast augmentation charity. It doesn’t seem fair that only rich girls can afford to get their breasts enlarged.
lifeintheboomerlane
May 15, 2011
I and many low income girls agree.
Walton Kwapniewski
June 11, 2011
Overtime it has been socially accepted and is even performed on a wide variety of social classes. It has increased its popularity due to the demand along with the want for men and women to look better and increase their current physical state. With this reason, it truly is now a billion dollar industry.