It’s taken over 200 years, but the Brits have finally figured out a way to ruin our Thanksgiving festivities. The Daily Mail newspaper in the UK has come out with an article titled, “What does your husband REALLY think of your wobbly bits?” For those of you who are asking, “How come the English people can’t talk English right if they are English?” we will explain.
“Bits” in the case of this article are body parts, specifically sexual body parts, specifically sexual body parts that age differently than any other body parts. Other body parts generally stay attached to wherever they started and hold their shape in such a way as to continue to be recognizable. Bits relocate, deflate, and may actually disguise themselves as bad carbs, like pancakes or muffins.
The Daily Mail article takes married couples, presents them completely nude, and proceeds to ask each of them to discuss their spouses’ body parts, aka “bits,” so that most of the rest of the world can have, as the English say, a “jolly good time.” For those of you who need the definition of “jolly good time,” we say get lost in your refrigerator and leave us alone. You don’t deserve to see naked people anyway.
Back to the couples. There is very little discord, mainly because if you are completely naked and get pissed off with someone, there are very few places to go. But Louise and Adrian test the limits. When asked which of his wife’s body parts is his least favorite, Adrian responds “Her belly.” Louise counters by calling Adrian “Pudding Belly.”
Kieran, a life coach thinks his wife Deborah is, of course, “perfect.” Deborah, a beauty training school owner, responds by having a long mane of blond hair extensions, perched atop a deep orangy-russet colored body.
Denise would like her husband, Christopher, to be “slimmer around the shoulders.” She does not elaborate on this, but the possibility exists that they live with a colony of mole rats and of course, fat shoulders would be a disability in those tiny underground tunnels.
Yasmin on John’s feet: “When he was a young child, I don’t think his parents looked after his feet and his toes are slightly deformed.” This should be a lesson to all parents: Look after your children’s feet, please, so as to avoid toe deformity.
John on Yasmin: “…She’s put on a bit of weight recently but as most of it has settled on her breasts, that’s no bad thing…” Yasmin, also known as Torpedo Tits, now has trouble standing upright.
Mark and Karen are the only young couple represented. They are completely fawning over how perfect the other person is and this writer doesn’t understand why people like this are encouraged to flaunt themselves around people who are mid-40s to early 60s. Karen thinks Mark, is “aging really well.” She probably has a lot more to say about how “really well” they are both aging, now that they have reached the ripe old ages of 32 and 38, and have avoided growing humongous breasts and pudding bellys. But her words are soon smothered by a stampede of naked jiggly flesh, skinny shoulders, and other assorted unsavory bits that gleefully pounce on her. Thank goodness.
John
November 22, 2011
And who said Brits are stuffy?
lifeintheboomerlane
November 22, 2011
Certainly not when they are naked.
k8edid
November 22, 2011
Torpedo tits…Priceless
Seeing Clarely
November 22, 2011
There’s no wobbling that a bit of cement or super glue won’t fix.
lifeintheboomerlane
November 22, 2011
Thanks for visiting Life in the Boomer Lane. I’d be afraid I’d end up permanently gluing my breasts in their natural downward position and I’d never be able to get them into the bra cups.
k8edid
November 22, 2011
I asked Sweet Cheeks – he said and I quote “I like the white parts best…” I will assume he is referring to the un-suntanned parts.
nrhatch
November 22, 2011
OMG! TMI! TMI! I don’t want to look at their wobbly bits right before Thanksgiving . . . ACK!
On second thought . . . this Thanksgiving I shall be thankful that I do NOT desire to get naked to discuss wobbly bits on the Telly!
lifeintheboomerlane
November 23, 2011
That is the correct attitude. Focus on the turkey and be grateful you are not lying naked on the Thanksgiving table.
Carl D'Agostino
November 22, 2011
I am delighted to report that at 62 , I look no different than that photo of me at the beach when I was 32. Well of course the hair has turned white. And, well there’s………
lifeintheboomerlane
November 22, 2011
Photos, Carl. We’ll be the judge.
Barb
November 24, 2011
Yeah…I thought everyone else had changed at my 40th HighSchool reunion.. everyone except me. I guess I need to get some new mirrors…ones that tell the truth.
joem18b
November 22, 2011
I’m afraid that with age, my most wobbly bits are my legs. And my jowls.
And my wattles.
lifeintheboomerlane
November 22, 2011
I adore the word “wattles.” I’ll have to start using it on a regular basis.
etomczyk
November 22, 2011
Renee: Very cute. I laughed out loud because I tried to imagine my husband and myself in that picture. TMI is right. At 63, naked is way over-rated. On the other hand, who knew the Brits were more free with their “bits and pieces.” All the best from one humorist storyteller “ol’ lady” to another. 🙂
lifeintheboomerlane
November 22, 2011
Hey thanks. I think you are brilliant, especially because while you are making people laugh, you are landing a punch to the gut. I just subscribed.
etomczyk
November 23, 2011
Renee: I’ve linked this post to my Thanksgiving post because I used the term “wobbly bits” and I want my readers to have that extra chuckle which you give here. I gave a “shout out” to you, as well. Hope you like it. Coming out in about 20 minutes. Cheers! ET
lifeintheboomerlane
November 24, 2011
Wow, thanks!
Miss Demure Restraint
November 22, 2011
This is a great post. You had me laughing and reading some of the high points to others in the room. I really tried to pick just one part to quote and I can’t. The whole thing is hilarious.
Thanks for the laugh that jiggled my wobbly bits.
lifeintheboomerlane
November 22, 2011
Hey, you’re welcome. If we all joined our wobbly bits together, we could cause an earthquake.
camsgranny
November 22, 2011
Ok…for me it’s late night and I just spewed my drink all over my computer screen….you always make me giggle…Thank you!
lifeintheboomerlane
November 22, 2011
Thanks, I consider a successful post one that destroys computer screens.
skeletonfingers
November 22, 2011
Man, maybe I should keep a closer eye on my wobbly bits now. Next goal in life: have someone say, “you’ve aged well… in your bits.”
lifeintheboomerlane
November 22, 2011
You could do worse.
chlost
November 22, 2011
Oh, my! Were they paid to do this? I am trying to decide how much money it would take for me to do this…….and I have come to the conclusion that I don’t believe that there is any amount of money in this world that would convince me to do this. I have trouble going out without a coat or sweater over my basic clothing.
lifeintheboomerlane
November 22, 2011
The article left out the part about the bong and chugging party that preceded this.
My Inner Chick
November 22, 2011
–There is NO WAY in Hell that I’d want Mr. Liverpool to talk about my wobbly parts…If he did, I’d probably punch him square in the face!
No WAAAaaaay.
Carole
November 22, 2011
Another Landmark article in the deteriorating British Print Press, possibly a case of trying to ‘keep up with the Murdoch’s’.
Then again, the Brits have always excelled in the ‘nudge, nudge,wink,wink, know wot I mean?’ style of humour, it did make me wobble my wattles but, I like your commentary better.
BTW ORANGE skin? does anyone seriously think that looks like a tan?
lifeintheboomerlane
November 23, 2011
I wonder if, when she looks at the group photo, she notices any difference between herself and the others.
Kathryn McCullough
November 22, 2011
Sounds a bit like the Brits, doesn’t it?
Kathy
lifeintheboomerlane
November 23, 2011
I read your comment three times before I got it. I’m a bit dense.
Yvonne
November 22, 2011
We Americans have traditionally viewed the Brits as stuffy and prudish. Well it seems to my that centuries of working on themselves has proven they are far more well-adjusted than we are in accepting the aging process!
lifeintheboomerlane
November 23, 2011
Thanks for visiting Life in the Boomer Lane. Yes, I do think Americans have some real issues around aging.
Audubon Ron
November 22, 2011
Am I the only one addicted to Granny Porn?
My Little Woman sings, “Jelly Roll baby, you’re my Jelly Roll man, Jelly Roll cupcake, I’m your Jelly Roll fan…” (I actually hate it when she does that – actually).
You’ve heard it said as us men age we grow long in the tooth, well, we also grow long in the *ahem*, – okay, I’m lying, but it sounds cute. 🙂
lifeintheboomerlane
November 23, 2011
Sigh, just like a man, lying about having a large displeasure with his wife.
gojulesgo
November 22, 2011
Ha! Wow. Peppermeister is no fool. He has never, EVER said anything negative about my appearance, despite my massive (truly, like whole-person-size massive, and I don’t have pregnancy as an excuse) weight fluctuations over the 8+ years we’ve been together.
lifeintheboomerlane
November 23, 2011
Wow, this sounds epic. Good for Peppermeister.
ryoko861
November 22, 2011
I noticed Deborah’s self tanned body immediately. She stands out like a sore thumb.
I love the Brits! They have a unique sense of humor that I get and love. Sex isn’t taboo over there like it is here. Getting naked is part of the fun. It’s a “jolly good time”.
lifeintheboomerlane
November 23, 2011
Deborah is quite the hit around this post. imagine how she is in the world.
pegoleg
November 22, 2011
Any husband who says what he TRULY thinks of his wife’s wobbly bits on international telly should be committed forthwith. That’s just insane.
I love the orangy-russet description. I picked her out of the lineup right away and thought: ” how sweet – true love even outweighs this woman’s horrible skin condition!”
lifeintheboomerlane
November 23, 2011
I will certainly think of her when I am eating sweet potato pie tomorrow evening.
Elly Lou
November 22, 2011
I love the Brits and their bits. Ok I just love bits, wobbly or no. Well, I like to talk about bits. I don’t actually want to be surrounded by them 24/7 or anything. Well, my bits I do. I’d hate for them to fall off or some such atrocity.
lifeintheboomerlane
November 23, 2011
I don’t think they fall off. They just sort of relocate.
life is a bowl of kibble
November 22, 2011
After menopause, there is not a bit on me that is the same and believe me husband has plenty of complains.
lifeintheboomerlane
November 23, 2011
One of the advantages of second marriages late in life.
TheIdiotSpeaketh
November 22, 2011
My bits wiggle and wobble but they don’t fall down… 🙂 (What are bits again?)
lifeintheboomerlane
November 23, 2011
Alas, mine do.
territerri
November 22, 2011
Okay. You KNOW now I’m not going to be able to ever hear the word “bits” again without giggling!
lifeintheboomerlane
November 23, 2011
And because you said that, now I won’t either.
Elyse
November 22, 2011
Anybody know what the British divorce rate is? I’d be adding to those numbers if anyone mentioned my wobbly bits. Or the 30 year old tattoo of a butterfly on my right breast that now looks like a .great grey heron.
lifeintheboomerlane
November 23, 2011
My friend/co-author Jean got a butterfly on her right breast decades ago. She says that now her butterfly is getting longer and skinnier, while she gets shorter and fatter.
omawarisan
November 23, 2011
Does Deborah’s skin tone exist in nature?
lifeintheboomerlane
November 23, 2011
Yes, most leaves in autumn.
Claire Takacs
November 23, 2011
“Bits” is a term used in Australia as well and the colour of Deborah’s skin is commonly referred to as “tandoori”. For some reason there is a whole colony of people who think that it is attractive especially when combined with bleached hair – yuk!! People with very fair skin who think that looking like they have rolled around in tandoori paste is more attractive than their natural alabaster colour……..
By the way, middle age eyesight (i.e, reading without my glasses) and the pic being somewhat small, I thought that Deborah’s partner was female and couldn’t help thinking what an awful body s(he) had.
I will probably be the only one who approves of the bodies – well, only the female ones (with the exception of the tandoori) and I think the mens bodies are much more decrepit looking. No wonder I like my men younger (and firmer) and who appreciate my voluptuousity.
lifeintheboomerlane
November 24, 2011
“Tandoori” is now my new favorite word for tanning salon skin. And I like your attitude about men appreciating your “voluptuosity.” Bravo, Claire!
Barb
November 24, 2011
The tandoori stands out (more than the other bits they’ve got pressed down). That was the first thing I thought when I saw the photo. “Hokey smokes…I’ve got to get a tan on my crepey white body. That way I won’t look so one-foot-in-the-grave.
lifeintheboomerlane
November 24, 2011
More like one-foot-in-the-oven.
ifiwerebraveblog
November 24, 2011
Can’t…type…laughing…too…hard…
lifeintheboomerlane
November 24, 2011
Age and nudity will do that to you.