It’s taken over 200 years, but the Brits have finally figured out a way to ruin our Thanksgiving festivities. The Daily Mail newspaper in the UK has come out with an article titled, “What does your husband REALLY think of your wobbly bits?” For those of you who are asking, “How come the English people can’t talk English right if they are English?” we will explain.
“Bits” in the case of this article are body parts, specifically sexual body parts, specifically sexual body parts that age differently than any other body parts. Other body parts generally stay attached to wherever they started and hold their shape in such a way as to continue to be recognizable. Bits relocate, deflate, and may actually disguise themselves as bad carbs, like pancakes or muffins.
The Daily Mail article takes married couples, presents them completely nude, and proceeds to ask each of them to discuss their spouses’ body parts, aka “bits,” so that most of the rest of the world can have, as the English say, a “jolly good time.” For those of you who need the definition of “jolly good time,” we say get lost in your refrigerator and leave us alone. You don’t deserve to see naked people anyway.
Back to the couples. There is very little discord, mainly because if you are completely naked and get pissed off with someone, there are very few places to go. But Louise and Adrian test the limits. When asked which of his wife’s body parts is his least favorite, Adrian responds “Her belly.” Louise counters by calling Adrian “Pudding Belly.”
Kieran, a life coach thinks his wife Deborah is, of course, “perfect.” Deborah, a beauty training school owner, responds by having a long mane of blond hair extensions, perched atop a deep orangy-russet colored body.
Denise would like her husband, Christopher, to be “slimmer around the shoulders.” She does not elaborate on this, but the possibility exists that they live with a colony of mole rats and of course, fat shoulders would be a disability in those tiny underground tunnels.
Yasmin on John’s feet: “When he was a young child, I don’t think his parents looked after his feet and his toes are slightly deformed.” This should be a lesson to all parents: Look after your children’s feet, please, so as to avoid toe deformity.
John on Yasmin: “…She’s put on a bit of weight recently but as most of it has settled on her breasts, that’s no bad thing…” Yasmin, also known as Torpedo Tits, now has trouble standing upright.
Mark and Karen are the only young couple represented. They are completely fawning over how perfect the other person is and this writer doesn’t understand why people like this are encouraged to flaunt themselves around people who are mid-40s to early 60s. Karen thinks Mark, is “aging really well.” She probably has a lot more to say about how “really well” they are both aging, now that they have reached the ripe old ages of 32 and 38, and have avoided growing humongous breasts and pudding bellys. But her words are soon smothered by a stampede of naked jiggly flesh, skinny shoulders, and other assorted unsavory bits that gleefully pounce on her. Thank goodness.