An alert reader sent a video to Life in the Boomer Lane titled “The Universal Hot/Crazy Matrix: A Man’s Guide to Women.” The chart was developed by Dana McLendon, a forty-something who looks like he spent a lot of time hugging the wall in social situations, trying to figure women out, before he decided to turn them into a two-dimensional chart. The two dimensions consist of HOT and CRAZY. McLendon makes quick work of intelligence, sense of humor, political and social awareness, professional achievements, and whatever other areas misguided women might believe are advantageous in one’s quest for a meaningful relationship with the opposite sex. They are non-existent. HOT. CRAZY. Hot: Good. Crazy: Bad. That’s all you have to know.
The ‘Hot’ axis is measured on a scale of 1 to 10, while the ‘Crazy’ axis runs from 4 to 10, “because there is no such thing as a woman who is not at least a 4 Crazy,” McLendon says. By plotting where on the matrix a woman falls, she can be identified as anything from the female version of Chernobyl (stay hundreds of miles away and wear protecting clothing) all the way to marriageable material. But marriageable isn’t even the pinnacle. There are two categories above marriageable. The next to the top slot is Unicorn. The very top spot, meaning a woman who is insanely hot AND not at all crazy, is a guy, in other words, a tranny.
In a nutshell: In order to be a perfect woman, you have to not be a woman.
LBL found the presentation to be both offensive and hilarious at the same time,depending whether her ice cream was in the freezer or being shoveled into her mouth during the time it took to watch the video.
LBL is grateful that she found Now Husband before he found out about this matrix. That way, he was willing to waste a lot of time discussing books, movies, politics, and social issues, while she was dating him. Had she met him after he watched the video, their three years of pre-wedding dating would have been condensed into about a week, in which LBL would be wearing stiletto heels and a bikini, and Now Husband could assess her Crazy quotient as she fell over repeatedly while trying to suck in her stomach and walk in the stilettos at the same time. According to McLendon’s matrix, LBL would most likely have ended up in the Chernobyl category and the marriage would not have taken place.
Life in the Boomer Lane 
An Ordinary Man (the novel)
August 4, 2014
i’d “like” it, but it’s pretty offensive
Life in the Boomer Lane
August 7, 2014
I couldn’t tell if he was serious or realized how ridiculous the matrix was. I gave him the benefit of the doubt.
Stephanie Alexander
May 5, 2015
I am a woman and the only reason that you find it offensive is because it’s soo true it’s crazy! all men are assholes and all women are crazy…it’s just finding that right person that is the right amout of crazy for you to deal with and the person that is the right amout of asshole for you to deal with…it’s in the blood…sorry! Knowing is half the battle!
Life in the Boomer Lane
May 5, 2015
Let’s just say that humans, being human, are flawed. The miracle is that somehow, we find each other, and occasionally we exist peacefully together, in spite of that.
kay
August 5, 2015
100% agree!
Sara's Musings
August 4, 2014
I should have been eating dark chocolate and almonds during the video with a cute guy with no money . . . 😉 I’m still picturing the stiletto heels and bikini (while falling over)–now that made me laugh!!! I’m thinking the guy who created this video is crazy, and definitely not hot. And, he’s probably married (or soon to be divorced). He makes me glad I’m still single. 😉
Life in the Boomer Lane
August 7, 2014
He probably makes a lot of women happy to be single.
thewondermya
August 4, 2014
Reblogged this on Healing my codependency and regaining my life ! and commented:
Patriarchy and disrespect alright … Some people really think this about women… Wow !
18mitzvot
August 5, 2014
Imo, the Crazy/Hot Matrix describing women is accurate; but the Cute/Money Matrix that is supposed to explain what women WANT – couldn’t be less accurate. I wish him good luck, cause he’s gonna need it!
Life in the Boomer Lane
August 7, 2014
The Cute/Money matrix was even more bizarre.
18mitzvot
August 8, 2014
In my opinion, the Hot/Crazy Matrix totally works! As a woman, I have to admit that Dana McLendon (whoever he is) discovered one of our sisterhood secrets. Beware! LOL
However, the Cute/Money Matrix was just silly. Any graph that is meant to show how a woman selects a husband would need to have at least 28 axes! Cute/Money doesn’t work.
Thanks for introducing these matrices to me. So much fun (and science).
Life in the Boomer Lane
August 8, 2014
I think what he discovered was a great way to call attention to himself. The matrix will anger some, make others laugh, but will cause a lot of people to remember who he is.
Life in the Boomer Lane
August 7, 2014
Thanks for the reblog!
JackieP
August 4, 2014
I watched about half this video earlier, then turned it off. From looking at him and yes he had a ring on his finger, we need to make a chart for men. Don’t think he would like where he fit in. LOL
Life in the Boomer Lane
August 7, 2014
I suspect that any matrix made by a woman would be quite different.
btg5885
August 5, 2014
The Beavis and Butthead matrix of women selection. Insert that creepy giggle as you review the matrix.
Life in the Boomer Lane
August 7, 2014
Well said, BTG.
Rebecca Latson Photography
August 5, 2014
If a matrix is made for men along the same line as this one for women then they need to create a zone on the graph representing whether or not a man actually *will* call a woman when he says he will.
Life in the Boomer Lane
August 7, 2014
Laughing.
Valentine Logar
August 6, 2014
Actually, pretty funny in an extremely offensive way.
Life in the Boomer Lane
August 7, 2014
That’s exactly what thought.
Sarah Day
August 6, 2014
I’m going to repurpose the chart (with a few revisions) to help others as I navigate through menopause.
Life in the Boomer Lane
August 7, 2014
What a great idea. I guess we are all lucky that the matrix didn’t include menopause.
Alaina Mabaso
August 6, 2014
Renee, off topic here, but your e-mail’s hacked!! Take my word for it ASAP.
Life in the Boomer Lane
August 7, 2014
I know. I’ve had about five or six people tell me they got a suspicious email from me. Do I have to change my email address?
Alaina Mabaso
August 8, 2014
’twas super creepy. I’d change your PW at the very least and consider changing your address. I replied to the e-mail to tell you you’d been hacked, and someone who was CLEARLY not you immediately responded to me as if they where you, telling me to click on the document they wanted me to download, and I could “thank them later.” RED ALERT!!
Life in the Boomer Lane
August 9, 2014
Thanks, Alaina, I’ll take care of it today.
Jack Strap
August 8, 2014
Ha ha ha. So many offended women. It’s great! 🙂
Life in the Boomer Lane
August 11, 2014
I’ll take the high road here, JS, and assume you are not really in favor of offending women. I think this matrix was more humorous than offensive. But the world is daily becoming a more dangerous and hostile place for women, and women are understandably offended at just about anything that demeans them, even if it’s very clever.
polocanada (@polocanada1)
October 12, 2014
>> But the world is daily becoming a more dangerous and hostile place for women,….
In what sense. Please elaborate.
Life in the Boomer Lane
October 15, 2014
In several ways. 1.Human trafficking has become the world’s (and that includes the US) second most profitable endeavor. And much of human trafficking involves sexual slavery. 2. ISIS is the latest example of tribal warfare that uses the subjugation of women as a method to induce fear into the population. This is now happening in Africa on a larger scale. 3. Here in the US, rape continues to be soft-pedaled by conservative politicians. Domestic violence has become endemic. I could go on and on.
ComplexSymmetry
August 8, 2014
In reality “crazy” is just a really degrading way to measure personality. Guys like this are just interested in something that is aesthetically pleasing and doesn’t require much effort to maintain a relationship with.
Life in the Boomer Lane
August 11, 2014
Good point, CS, although my guess is that most men would prefer something other than a Stepford Wife.
polocanada (@polocanada1)
October 12, 2014
>> In reality “crazy” is just a really degrading way to measure personality.
Result of pop-culture not a measure of men degrading women.
The Amway Experiment
August 9, 2014
A male colleague sent this around last week to 7 people, I was the only female, lol, I should have been offended but the thing is so funny and true! I have my colleague convinced I am a unicorn, my boyfriend, not so much!!
Life in the Boomer Lane
August 11, 2014
I’m with you. More clever than offensive.
polocanada (@polocanada1)
October 12, 2014
>> I should have been offended but the thing is so funny and true!
If you take into consideration influence of media and culture, yes, the chart is perfect reflection of what it represents. In a perfect world, the chart would be a total non-sense created by somebody who lost his touch with reality. Perception is the only thing that can’t be denied, not the fact itself. Although, as a guy, I hope both of these chart will just be washed away in the anals of the internet, these charts are a reminder the gap in understanding between men and women is growing wider every day bigger not smaller. Time for reflection.
life of karen
October 14, 2014
I am reading through the different responses and all I can do is smile, after all that is all the video was meant to do.
I never want to live a life where I can’t poke fun at myself. I thank god everyday my boyfriend puts up with my craziness 🙂
And in response to my craziness I start a 10 day silent Vipassana retreat tomorrow. So excited!
I guess it’s all about balance 🙂 and with all the real issues going on in the world this crazy metric thing has gotten way too much attention for anything but a tongue and cheek video.
ulilang
August 12, 2014
Reblogged this on ulilang and commented:
So ist es…!
Life in the Boomer Lane
October 5, 2014
Thanks for the reblog, and sorry for the huge delay in saying so!
ulilang
October 6, 2014
N.P.!😎
Everard Suinez
August 12, 2014
For wymin you’ve got to make the following replacements:
1. change “crazy” axis for “childlish” axis, leave it at 4, much like there is no such a thing like a woman NOT crazy, there is no such a thing like a man NOT behaving like a kid
2. change “hot” axis for “manliness” axis, with 0 being a flamboyant homo, and 10 being a macho man.
3. change the “NO” zone for “friend” zone. You want a sissy to help you with your make-up, hairdo, wardrobe and other girly things.
4. change the “danger” zone for “fun” zone. Women don’t feel their life complete without misery in it, they’re masters of self-sabotage.
5. change the “fun” zone for “friendzone” zone. These guys are right for them, but women are NOT and can NOT be happy. They won’t let something like the perfect guy ruin their search of self-victimization in relationships for them.
6. change the “wife” zone for “taken” zone. You don’t want a guy like that, you want THAT guy.
7. change the “unicorn” and “tranny” zones for “Daddy didn’t love me, I need a fatherly figure” zone. Do I really need to explain?
You’re welcome.
Everard Suinez
August 14, 2014
Oh, girls, there is also a notice you’re completely NOT aware of: should you ever, even if as a joke, decide to brand YOURSELF an unicorn, you will be automatically given a 10 in the crazy axis. See, the “hot” axis is 100% subjective, there are guys who like legs, guys who likes booty, guys who like butt, guys who like other guys, it’s all in the eye of the beholder. But the crazy axis is NOT, I repeat, the crazy axis is NOT subjective. Unless you have a good, valid reason AND YOU CAN PROVE IT, seriously, don’t say you’re something you’re clearly not. Remember that there are jokes that NOBODY will find them funny, like dead babies or 9/11. I’m dead serious and consider yourselves on notice.
polocanada (@polocanada1)
October 12, 2014
Not sure which of the definitions do you actually apply?
1/ mentally deranged, especially as manifested in a wild or aggressive way.
synonyms: mad, insane, out of one’s mind, deranged, demented, not in one’s right mind, crazed, lunatic, non compos mentis, unhinged, mad as a hatter, mad as a March hare;
2./extremely enthusiastic.
synonyms: passionate about, (very) keen on, enamored of, infatuated with, smitten with, devoted to;
The mere variety of tastes makes the definition of “crazy” questionable. It’s your own perception of what is crazy that makes something crazy or not. Doesn’t make a lot of sense.
Life in the Boomer Lane
October 13, 2014
My advanced age gives me a certain amount of perspective on life. I’ve learned that there are reasons why people exhibit the behavior they do. When we say people are “crazy,” all that means is that we don’t understand what those reasons are. Eliminating the true clinical crazies, most people live their lives from a defensive position. They have been hurt or disappointed in some way, and they will be damned if they will let it happen again. Often, that defensive behavior doesn’t serve them, but they don’t understand that they have a choice.
Mahlia Lindquist
September 11, 2014
A friend sent your clever response to the hot/crazy matrix in response to my own post about it. Like some of the other responders, i was offended but couldn’t stop laughing. My take on it is at http://rockymountainmiamian.blogspot.com/2014/09/hot-and-crazy-its-in-our-dna.html
Life in the Boomer Lane
October 5, 2014
Thanks, Mahlia and sorry for the long delay in responding to your comment!
mdzlpaw
September 12, 2014
I came across this post after I decided to write my own post about hot matrix. I agree with LBL that the matrix is clever. Yes, it’s also patently rude and offensive, but that holds true for most humor. The amazing Joan Rivers is a great example — the woman was a genius, but very often obnoxious. So glad to have stumbled across your blog, it was fun to read some of your other posts. My take on the matrix is called “Hot and Crazy, It’s in Our DNA.” You can find it here: http://rockymountainmiamian.blogspot.com/2014/09/hot-and-crazy-its-in-our-dna.html
Life in the Boomer Lane
September 14, 2014
Thanks much for these comments. Yes, Joan Rivers was a great example of the obnoxious-but-hilarious type of humor. What saved her was her ability to make fun of herself, most of all. I will check out your post on the matrix.
meyerslaura
September 30, 2014
As a self-proclaimed nut job, I do agree with his statement that there is no such thing as a woman that isn’t at least a 4 on the crazy scale. Those that might appear to be… are actually just really good at hiding it
Life in the Boomer Lane
October 13, 2014
I sometimes wear a bracelet that says “Hide your crazy.” I think we all have defenses and hot buttons and dark thoughts. I agree that, in many cases, the “sane” people are just very good at hiding their crazy.
geezenslaw
July 29, 2015
Odd. I didn’t see 1 comment about the women’s cute vs money matrix for men. No? Nothing?
geezenslaw
December 27, 2015
Actually a woman friend of mine sent this matrix to me at some time in the distant past. Though I lurk here not frequent enough I stumbled across this today. My woman friend and I discussed this matrix and I had to disagree with the part about the Tranny. On this point the guy is wrong because I have met a few Tom-boys that fit in that slot quite easily. I suggest the Tranny should be replaced with Tom-boy if in the event the author does not want the matrix to be a complete joke.