Two Guys and A Horse Walk into A Bar…

Loyal readers are probably aware, by now, that Doug Jones, a 63-year-old attorney from Birmingham, just beat bible-toting, horse-riding, alleged child molester Roy Moore, for US Senate seat in Alabama. 

Life in the Boomer Lane, for the edification and enjoyment of loyal readers, has obtained exclusive campaign documentation, which she will now share with you, of a conversation between Moore, his horse, and Steve Bannon. To be fair, the horse was outside and was unavailable for comment.

Moore rides up to election headquarters, secures his horse to a post, and removes a bible from the saddlebags.  He spots Bannon as he enters.

Moore: Praise be!

Bannon: Whatever. You are a freaking liability, Moore.

The Lord provides!

The Lord can’t help you, you dick. Pay attention. I’m here to save you.

I’m grateful the Lord has sent you to me. 

Nobody sent me, you freaking pedophile. You have to do what I say.

Hallelujah. I’ll do whatever you want, as long as it doesn’t conflict with my Christian values.

I won’t dignify that statement. Here goes: Deny, deny, deny. Whatever they accuse you of, deny.

Got it. I can do that. I certainly do deny the Constitution, at least all those stupid amendments.  Except that one about guns. I like that. Can I keep that one?

You’ve been bouncing around in the saddle too long, Horse Boy. Your brain is scrambled. I’m not talking about the Constitution. I’m talking about the allegations of child molestation.

I never molested anyone. They liked it. And they weren’t children. They had titties. 

Moore, you are almost as big a lunkhead as the President. Am I the last man standing on this planet with a working brain? Am I the last visionary?  The last Messiah of his people? The last person anointed to lead his people into the Light?

I’m in awe, Big Guy.  I never met anyone with vision, before. What, exactly, is your vision?

Chaos and confusion. Destruction of the status quo. The Great Disruption. The Apocalypse. The end of personal grooming. Whatever anyone believes, I’m against it.

How about ending all those amendments? Like I said, I only like the part about guns. And that ending slavery thing is really bad. 

I’m losing patience with you, Rural Runt.  Who the fuck ever heard of Gadsden, Alabama?

What’s the matter with Gadsden?

I’m against it. I’m against all towns. All cities, too. Rural areas, as well. End them all. Blow them all up. Like I said, I’m against everything.

Titties?

I’m walking out, Farm Boy.  You aren’t worth my time. I’m finding someone else to help, someone who understands that real progress can only be made by obliterating everything we hold dear and holy.

Titties?

(Door slams)