The Actual Call

Vlad? Wazzup?

Excuse me? Who is this?

It’s the Big Guy, Vlad. Numero Uno. The Boss. The Top Banana.

My name is Volodymyr .

Don’t be a dick, Vlad. If I say your name is Vlad, go along with it. I can obliterate you. Poof. Nobody in the world carries as much weight as I do.

Ah, now I know who you are. Hello, Donald. How is the diet and exercise plan going?

I have better stuff to do than that. And everyone knows I could win the Mr Universe contest tright now this minute. So listen, Vlad. I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.

I’m waiting.

Think about all that dinero. You want that, right?

Although we don’t use pesos in Ukraine, I’ll have to admit that the money would assist me in instituting various greatly needed programs what would benefit the Ukrainian population.

Well, here’s what you have to do, Vlad. Dig me up some dirt on the Bidens. Good dirt. Tasty dirt.

The Bidens? What did they do? I wasn’t aware that the Bidens, either father or son, had engaged in any nefarious activities.

That’s for you to find out. Big stuff. Stuff that will make the Bleeding Heart Third Rate Dems toss them in the slammer.

That might not be possible. In every jurisdiction based on the English common law tradition, evidence must conform to a number of rules and restrictions to be admissible. Evidence must be relevant – that is, it must be directed at proving or disproving a legal element.

Vlad, you do it or you wake up to a horse’s head staring you in the face.

We no longer sleep with livestock in Ukraine.

Vlad, don’t fuck with me. I know guys who know guys. No one has more power then me. I never even heard of your country, until just before I called you. That’s how litle you matter.

Actually, we have been around for a long time. Settlement in Ukraine by members of the genus Homo has been documented into distant prehistory. The Neanderthals are associated with the Molodova archaeological sites (43,000–45,000 BC) which include a mammoth bone dwelling.^[18][19]Gravettian settlements dating to 32,000 BC have been unearthed and studied in the Buran-Kaya cave site of the Crimean Mountains. Throughout history, people of the Ukaine have left their indelible mark on civilization.

Are you finished? That and five bucks can get you a cup of coffee. Can I depend on you?

My presidential responsibilities may preclude me from engaging in such activty.

It’s your funeral, Vlad. No dirt, no cash.

I’m afraid that I may be compelled to stoop to activities that are beneath the office of the leader of a free country.

I knew you’d see it my way, Vlad. I got the big brain, here. I know a lot of words and other stuff. That’s why I always win. I’m a winner. Everybody does what I want them to. The world is made up of me, The Winner, and everybody else, The Losers. What do you call that?

Technically Donald, what you just said is, in effect, your motto. A motto is a short sentence or phrase chosen as encapsulating the beliefs or ideals guiding an individual, family, or institution.

I like that. Maybe I’ll use that instead of the Make America Great stuff. I was never really sure what that meant, anyway. Good talk, Vlad.