The Aliens Have Landed and They Are Us

The Washington Post, in an article titled “Aging America,” about what cities are doing to accommodate older citizens, has called attention to an alarming observation: “People are getting old fast.”  This can’t be good news for Boomers, who had believed that the aging process, as frustrating as it might have been, at least followed a predictable rate of speed.  Now we find that aging is being accelerated by unknown forces, most likely the people who introduce new cell phones on a weekly basis.

Back to the article.  The Post calls the aging phenomenon a “silver tsunami.”  This is entirely appropriate, since, while most Boomers were still trying to decipher the meaning of “Louie Louie” and wondering why their bell bottoms were getting a bit too snug, they neglected to notice that  their cheeks had  free fallen down to their jawlines and their hair had either turned grey or had disappeared entirely.

Cities all over the United State have noticed the change and, in a move comparable to what sci fi film towns  do in preparation for an alien invasion, they have begun to take action.  New York is a leader in the movement.  Unused school buses are being used to take seniors shopping. While current seniors are well-behaved and grateful, officials anticipate the incoming crop of Boomer riders to be less so.  They foresee escalating mayhem, including spitballs, mooning pedestrians, and a revival of Vietnam-era protest songs.  Suggestions for dealing with this potentially dangerous situation include hash brownies and piped-in music like “Kumbaya” to keep everyone in line.

East Harlem, in particular, has created an “aging improvement district.”  In stores, folding chairs are provided to customers as they shop, aisles are kept free of obstacles, and  a downtown market area has been revitalized to serve as a gathering place for seniors.  In a related development, the mayor’s office is now negotiating with various gang officials about calling a halt to their current murder schedule in order to allow more people to actually experience being seniors.   Gang officials are considering the proposal.

While many Boomers are excited about the prospect of  cities creating more accessible services for seniors, other  Boomers would prefer tax dollars to go toward development of an anti-aging serum.  “We don’t understand why we can’t have all the things those old people will have, without actually being old.”  When informed that some might view over age 60 as already old, Boomers responded with organizing a protest march to be held in Washington, DC this year.  A march spokesperson said, “We stopped the Vietnam War.  We can stop aging.  We’re Boomers.  We can do anything.”   He then excused himself to run to the bathroom.