The Link Between Mattress Stuffing and Weight Loss

While Life in the Boomer Lane was visiting Beloved Daughter and her family in London, Trish, a close friend of LBL’s daughter, told LBL about a “secret” diet plan, known only to French women. LBL likes to trade beauty secrets with Trish. On a past visit, she introduced LBL to the “Nude” line of moisturizers, and LBL told her about freezing body fat. This is a procedure that requires no surgery or discomfort whatsoever and gets rid of body fat by freezing it. But LBL digresses.

Back to the secret diet plan. This is called “Dr Dukan’s Protal Diet.” Apparently, French women have been using it for years and, because they care only about themselves, they refused to tell anyone else about it. Some women in the US have known about it, but not many, because Dr Dukan’s book was written in French. This is one more reason to dislike French women. They already have dark straight hair that sort of just curves around their faces and highlights their cheekbones, and they could be talking about their IBS with each other but it would sound beautiful and melodic.

Back to the diet, again. The Dukan Diet is based on a set of easy rules and four stages. During the first stage, the “Attack Stage,” you can eat unlimited amounts of pure proteins that have little or no fat. Plus a lot of water, etc. Period. Plus Dr Dukan’s secret weight loss weapon: oat bran. You start by eating 1 ½ tablespoons of oat bran a day and after the Attack Phase, you eat 2 tablespoons each day. I’ve never had oat bran and I didn’t know what people do with it. The website explained:

“Oat bran is rich in sugars and protein, but its benefit lies in the high levels of soluble fibre, which absorbs water in the gut, swelling up to 20 times its size. This helps you feel full and satisfied. It is also great for heart health and eases constipation (which can affect people in the early stages of the diet). But once digested, it attracts fat molecules, sugars and toxins, and carries them out of the body before they can be absorbed…”

Before Dr Dukan discovered oat bran, it was mostly used for horses and mattress stuffing. LBL is not making this up. It’s on the Dr Dukan Diet homepage. Who knew that by eating my mattress all these years, LBL could have been losing weight?

LBL decided to start the diet yesterday, but she couldn’t find oat bran in the supermarket. For that reason, she was forced to consume a lot of Fritos and cheese at a friend’s house, followed by a lot of French bread and more cheese at her own. Unfortunately, Now Husband found oat bran at a store and so LBL had to start the diet today.

After a few false starts involving water amount and microwave time, she cooked her 1 ½ tablespoons of oat bran and ate it. She is now happily waiting for her appetite to go away. It’s been awhile now and she is still waiting. She’s committed to giving Dr Dukan (and oat bran) a try, at least for a few days. But, if all else fails, there’s always a trip to a local meat locker.