Armed and Cuddly

Posted on June 2, 2011


Every once in awhile, when the Real World pokes its ugly red bulbous snot-infested nose into my perfect little delusional world, I have to take time out to address issues that make me barf.  So, when I found the following offer from a company called “Living Social” pop up in my email, I took pen in hand.  Then I dropped the pen and went to the computer.

 Concealed Carry Academy

 Concealed Weapons Safety Course $49 buy now! send as a gift Don’t let those still-standing milk bottles at the carnival get you down — we’re pretty sure they’re rigged — hone your sharp-shooting skills and score the ultimate prize: safety for you and your family. Hide a little confidence in your holster and ready, aim, fire $100 off the Ultimate Concealed Carry Experience at the Concealed Carry Academy. Pay just $49 for four hours of classroom training covering self-defense laws, firearm safety, proper technique, and more, plus a DVD, home-defense window decal, and firearm and equipment consultation (a $149 value). Load your knowledge without putting the safety on your bank account, and we promise what you’ll win will be much better than a giant teddy bear.

 Hey, don’t get me wrong. I love guns as much as the next liberal Democrat female over age 60 who wore an armband and protested during Vietnam and almost had her face blown off one day by a five year old who found a random gun someone left in the corner of a farmhouse living room.

 So, let’s leave the gun issue aside and talk instead about the marketing of gun shooting classes. I envision the following meeting in some random, bulletproof conference room:

Welcome everyone! Please turn off your cell phones, but keep your guns loaded. Hahaha! I love the humor in our industry! We are here to discuss how we can best market our valuable product to the public. Any ideas? (Hands go up, most holding handguns)

Yes! I say we drop the word “guns” entirely. Instead of calling ourselves the “Concealed Weapons Academy” how about “Concealed Carry Academy?” (Loud applause, punctuated by handguns going off)

Wow! Great idea! And how will we market this? (More hands) How about looking at the peaceful uses of guns? Like killing animals, for example?

Another great idea. But uh, that’s rifles and we are talking about handguns. Let’s try to come up with something even more peaceful. (Lots of minutes go by, while people scratch their heads with gun muzzles. Finally, one hand/gun goes up.)

How about teddy bears? They are symbolic of childhood and children love them. But you can’t get one without shooting something and winning it.

Uh, but you can buy one in the toy store.

Seriously? I didn’t know that. What fun would that be? (Nods of approval all around)

Well, maybe we can go with that, the teddy bear angle. But we’ll say safety is better than winning a teddy bear because the carnival stands are rigged anyway. (Major applause here. The motion is passed)

Hey, Fred, thanks for that great suggestion.

No problem. So, where is that carnival that rigs the games? I want to have a “discussion” with that guy (strokes his gun muzzle as he awaits the answer).