Every once in awhile, when the Real World pokes its ugly red bulbous snot-infested nose into my perfect little delusional world, I have to take time out to address issues that make me barf. So, when I found the following offer from a company called “Living Social” pop up in my email, I took pen in hand. Then I dropped the pen and went to the computer.
Concealed Carry Academy
Concealed Weapons Safety Course $49 buy now! send as a gift Don’t let those still-standing milk bottles at the carnival get you down — we’re pretty sure they’re rigged — hone your sharp-shooting skills and score the ultimate prize: safety for you and your family. Hide a little confidence in your holster and ready, aim, fire $100 off the Ultimate Concealed Carry Experience at the Concealed Carry Academy. Pay just $49 for four hours of classroom training covering self-defense laws, firearm safety, proper technique, and more, plus a DVD, home-defense window decal, and firearm and equipment consultation (a $149 value). Load your knowledge without putting the safety on your bank account, and we promise what you’ll win will be much better than a giant teddy bear.
Hey, don’t get me wrong. I love guns as much as the next liberal Democrat female over age 60 who wore an armband and protested during Vietnam and almost had her face blown off one day by a five year old who found a random gun someone left in the corner of a farmhouse living room.
So, let’s leave the gun issue aside and talk instead about the marketing of gun shooting classes. I envision the following meeting in some random, bulletproof conference room:
Welcome everyone! Please turn off your cell phones, but keep your guns loaded. Hahaha! I love the humor in our industry! We are here to discuss how we can best market our valuable product to the public. Any ideas? (Hands go up, most holding handguns)
Yes! I say we drop the word “guns” entirely. Instead of calling ourselves the “Concealed Weapons Academy” how about “Concealed Carry Academy?” (Loud applause, punctuated by handguns going off)
Wow! Great idea! And how will we market this? (More hands) How about looking at the peaceful uses of guns? Like killing animals, for example?
Another great idea. But uh, that’s rifles and we are talking about handguns. Let’s try to come up with something even more peaceful. (Lots of minutes go by, while people scratch their heads with gun muzzles. Finally, one hand/gun goes up.)
How about teddy bears? They are symbolic of childhood and children love them. But you can’t get one without shooting something and winning it.
Uh, but you can buy one in the toy store.
Seriously? I didn’t know that. What fun would that be? (Nods of approval all around)
Well, maybe we can go with that, the teddy bear angle. But we’ll say safety is better than winning a teddy bear because the carnival stands are rigged anyway. (Major applause here. The motion is passed)
Hey, Fred, thanks for that great suggestion.
No problem. So, where is that carnival that rigs the games? I want to have a “discussion” with that guy (strokes his gun muzzle as he awaits the answer).
Life in the Boomer Lane 
The Good Greatsby
June 2, 2011
Thank you for taking the time to address the issues that make you barf.
Please don’t ever turn to the dark side and volunteer to run marketing for the gun lobby.
lifeintheboomerlane
June 3, 2011
I have my standards. And no one has made me the offer.
Patricia
June 2, 2011
There is something better than a big teddy bear?
lifeintheboomerlane
June 2, 2011
Thanks for visiting Life in the Boomer Lane, Patricia! There is nothing better than a teddy bear. Just make sure it isn’t armed.
Margie
June 2, 2011
You live in a spooky country…
TexasTrailerParkTrash
June 2, 2011
You got that right, Margie. Here in Texas you can bring a concealed weapon to church and then go to a drive-thru liquor store. And our governor, Rick Perry, says that despite statistics to the contrary, “abstinence only” sex education is effective because it works for him. He wants colleges and universities to allow concealed weapons on campus, even though the chancellor of UT and law enforcement groups have said that’s a bad idea. So it seems that it’ll be easier for teens to get a gun than to use a condom. *Sigh*
Marianne
June 2, 2011
I usually love your observations but need to disagree with this particular one. I am a Class “A” “concealed carry” person. I would be more worried about concealed weapons carried by individuals who DON’T have a license.
“The Gun Is Civilization”
By Maj. L. Caudill USMC (Ret)
Human beings only have two ways to deal with one another: reason and force. If you want me to do something for you, you have a choice of either convincing me via argument, or force me to do your bidding under threat of force.. Every human interaction falls into one of those two categories, without exception. Reason or force, that’s it.
In a truly moral and civilized society, people exclusively interact through persuasion. Force has no place as a valid method of social interaction, and the only thing that removes force from the menu is the personal firearm, as paradoxical as it may sound to some.
When I carry a gun, you cannot deal with me by force. You have to use reason and try to persuade me, because I have a way to negate your threat or employment of force.
The gun is the only personal weapon that puts a 100-pound woman on equal footing with a 220-pound mugger, a 75-year old retiree on equal footing with a 19-year old gang banger, and a single guy on equal footing with a carload of drunk guys with baseball bats. The gun removes the disparity in physical strength, size, or numbers between a potential attacker and a defender.
There are plenty of people who consider the gun as the source of bad force equations. These are the people who think that we’d be more civilized if all guns were removed from society, because a firearm makes it easier for a [armed] mugger to do his job. That, of course, is only true if the mugger’s potential victims are mostly disarmed either by choice or by legislative fiat – it has no validity when most of a mugger’s potential marks are armed.
People who argue for the banning of arms ask for automatic rule by the young, the strong, and the many, and that’s the exact opposite of a civilized society. A mugger, even an armed one, can only make a successful living in a society where the state has granted him a force monopoly.
Then there’s the argument that the gun makes confrontations lethal that otherwise would only result in injury. This argument is fallacious in several ways. Without guns involved, confrontations are won by the physically superior party inflicting overwhelming injury on the loser.
People who think that fists, bats, sticks, or stones don’t constitute lethal force, watch too much TV, where people take beatings and come out of it with a bloody lip at worst. The fact that the gun makes lethal force easier, works solely in favor of the weaker defender, not the stronger attacker. If both are armed, the field is level.
The gun is the only weapon that’s as lethal in the hands of an octogenarian as it is in the hands of a weight lifter. It simply would not work as well as a force equalizer if it wasn’t both lethal and easily employable.
When I carry a gun, I don’t do so because I am looking for a fight, but because I’m looking to be left alone. The gun at my side means that I cannot be forced, only persuaded. I don’t carry it because I’m afraid, but because it enables me to be unafraid. It doesn’t limit the actions of those who would interact with me through reason, only the actions of those who would do so by force. It removes force from the equation… And that’s why carrying a gun is a civilized act !!
Attic Annie
June 2, 2011
As one liberal Independent but leaning towards Democrat female over age 60 who wore a copper MIA bracelet and protested during Vietnam, you ROCK. I’m glad I can’t identify further with the almost getting my face blown off part.
I’ve seen a lot of garbage produced in the name of self defense but this is the lowest I’ve seen the gun world drop. AA
carldagostino
June 2, 2011
They have frequent guns shows in Miami-Dade and Broward County. Children get in free. I suppose it’s the same psychology for children who can now go to the horse track. Planting seeds for that future.
Simone Benedict
June 2, 2011
Your post is too funny to me. Just last night I was tooling around with a friend. She said, “Hey you wanna take a class with me?” I said, “For what?” She said….”For a conceal/carry class.”
DOOOO! Okay, I thought she was a friend. I guess not since the only items I’ve ever really considered to be conceal/carry are feminine hygiene products. I’m armed and ready…for the next potential moontime. Perhaps I’m a ditz, but that’s the only real potential emergency I see on my horizon.
lifeintheboomerlane
June 3, 2011
So funny, feminine hygiene products as conceal/carry. I want to rewrite my post.
Elly Lou
June 3, 2011
I’m starting to wonder just how much a gal can store in her bits. But seeing as how I like guns only slightly less than you, I’m thinking my weapon of choice will be a flame thrower. I should probably start stretching…
Kathryn McCullough
June 2, 2011
We, indeed, live in a spooky country! But I must add a bit–just to terrorize a little more– My 72 year old mother carries a concealed weapon and she’s proud of it. How’s that for weird! (And you wonder why I ended up a little crazy!)
Kathy
Amy
June 2, 2011
You don’t go to a concealed carry class to have fun and meet people. You go to try to be a responsible citizen and learn how to not accidentially shoot someone’s face off. I don’t have a problem with guns, but I do have a problem with people who think guns are toys. Urg.
Carole Marshall
June 3, 2011
Gee and I thought the best way to not accidentally shoot somebody’s face off was to not carry a gun. Naive I guess. Just saying, but then I’m from Australia and probably got these wrong ideas from hanging upside down for 65 years.
Tori Nelson
June 3, 2011
I paticularly love the giant fuss bumpkins made about wanting to carry their guns in bars and nightclubs. Drunk Tennesseans everywhere thought to fight for their right to accidentally kill somebody!
Deborah the Closet Monster
June 3, 2011
You had me at “I love guns as much as the next liberal Democrat female over age 60 who wore an armband and protested during Vietnam and almost had her face blown off one day by a five year old who found a random gun someone left in the corner of a farmhouse living room.”
Love this.
lifeintheboomerlane
June 3, 2011
Hey, thanks Deborah. I usually don’t write about volitile, sensitive issues (guns, religion, abortion, milk chocolate vs dark chocolate) but that ad demanded a post.
bekaboo
June 3, 2011
The teddy bear with the gun on its shirt is most definitely barf-inducing! The only redeeming factor in all of this for me is that it is at least an ad for a gun safety class and not an add for a $49 concealed weapon itself. I am slightly more comfortable with people carrying guns after some safety instruction than after none at all, although I wish such instruction (more than 4 hours) were required. When my oldest was 3, I found out that a playmate had shown her his father’s gun (!!!!!), something I had never even considered. After that, I always asked about gun ownership and storage before playdates. I have a friend who accidentally blew off most of his teeth with a handgun, and another who accidentally killed his best friend (although it was the best friend who was drunk and went for the loaded gun the police officer friend kept in his nightstand). He will have to live with that horror for the rest of his life. I guess this is a volatile subject. Preaching to the choir here.
lifeintheboomerlane
June 3, 2011
Thanks for visiting Life in the Boomer Lane! The fact that children can find weapons is beyond irresponsible–it’s criminal. When I was in grad scool, I was working on the pilot program for Heat Start. We took a bunch of five year olds to a farm one day. The owner said we could use the house and tour the farm. I turned my head away for a couple seconds, and one of the five year olds was holding a rifle, aimed right at me. Apparantly, the owner of the house had left the gun propped up in a corner.
bekaboo
June 3, 2011
Oh, urggghhhh!! Yeah, people just don’t think.
merrilymarylee
June 3, 2011
I wrote a post once about a guy who had a firing range in his back yard so that he and his kids could practice their automatic weapon firing. Sheriff said that no laws were broken–shoot away. Never mind that pesky subdivision behind you.
The thing that got me most was that the guy was a gynecologist. Really, would you let that guy near your vahjayjay?
omawarisan
June 3, 2011
Oh, this isn’t about me at work. Never mind.
2 years until I dont have to be armed anymore.
writerwoman61
June 4, 2011
Thank you for this, Renée…I’m happy to live in a country where handguns are illegal!
Wendy