I can tell it’s the beginning of the holiday season. It’s not because I have seemingly overnight developed an irrational need to gain five lbs and set off my IBS. It’s not because of the relentless Christmas decorations that magically appear in stores while the kids are still out trick or treating. It’s because of the lines in stores. And I have a tragic, intractable history of ALWAYS CHOOSING THE WRONG LINE TO STAND IN.
Oh, I can tell you stories. Like standing directly behind:
- Someone trying to pay for purchases with foreign currency
- Someone trying to pay for purchases with a check and a student VISA from another country
- Someone who argues about the price of EVERY SINGLE item being scanned
- Someone who has three items in their basket, and, right as the last item is being scanned, their spouse comes up and throws about 100 more items into it
- Someone who dumps the entire contents of their purse onto the conveyor belt and proceeds to root through medications, extra underwear, a stun gun, cosmetics from the Kennedy era, and rain gear, trying to come up with the EXACT CHANGE to give to the clerk.
Yesterday was my OFFICIAL ENTRY into holiday shopping: Michaels Craft Stores. Me: holding one canvas, one tube of oil paint, one small frame. I positioned myself in the line that had a woman holding a basket that appeared empty. I figured I was home free. It wasn’t until about 10 people were behind me that I realized her basket actually contained:
APPROXIMATELY 200 TINY SKEINS OF EMBROIDERY YARN, which she proceeded to place onto the belt in tiny color-coordinated clusters of colors. The clerk patiently waited until all colors were accounted for, and then started to RING UP EACH COLOR SEPERATELY. I passed the time feeling my grey roots growing out.
What made it worse was that she was chatting with me the entire time, talking about the FRUSTRATIONS OF HOLIDAY SHOPPING. What made it even worse than that was that I was standing there so long, and she was SO enjoying talking to me that she GAVE ME HER PHONE NUMBER AND TOLD ME TO CALL HER. I am not making this up.
By the time I checked out, I had to drive directly to the beauty salon to have my roots done. This is going to be a bad holiday season.
TexasTrailerParkTrash
November 6, 2010
One word: online shopping. (Okay, two words.)
My grown kids get money for Christmas, my granddaughters in California get gift cards because they are old enough now to enjoy picking out something for themselves and I have no idea what they already have. The two grandkids here in Texas I see every week and they pick out what they would like from our local Walmart (their second home.)
My husband and I don’t exchange gifts. If there’s something we want around Christmas time, we just say “hey, this will be my present.” That leaves only my 91 year-old mother to buy for. Last year she wanted a new set of knives for her kitchen. Done.
Christmas used to carry such guilt for me because I always worried about getting the perfect gift. I became one of those haunted souls wandering around the stores like the Flying Dutchman trying to find a port. It took me a long time to wise up. I still suffer from guilt, but when that happens I self-medicate with chocolate and lie down until the feeling passes. 🙂
lifeintheboomerlane
November 6, 2010
I know for a fact that chocolate was given to us by God/god/the universe/Oprah as a reward for enduring war/pestilence/stupid politicians/stupider voters/sagging breasts/etc. But I digress. I do buy virtually all gifts online now, and I only buy for my very immediate family. But I end up standing in line anyway, holding my non-gift purchases, with holiday-crazed shoppers. I am doing something very wrong. And I am in complete awe that your then 90 year old mother wanted a new set of steak knives for her kitchen. She is my new hero.
TexasTrailerParkTrash
November 6, 2010
Confession time. After all that, I noticed a note to self on my bulletin board that I had forgotten about. One of the grands in CA wants to add to her “Spooky Town” Halloween town collection and I volunteered to find her something at the store here that sells them. So much for gift cards.
Yes, my mother remains quite optimistic about the future. However, she won’t get another kitten even though we’ve said we would take care of it in the event it outlived her.
A day without chocolate is…a day without any damn chocolate! Oh, noes!
writerwoman61
November 6, 2010
“By the time I checked out, I had to drive directly to the beauty salon to have my roots done.” Hilarious!
We went grocery shopping today…they have all the foods out for holiday entertaining all ready…I came home with 2 boxes of crackers, and 4 bags of cookies…
Wendy
lifeintheboomerlane
November 6, 2010
Tis the season. Sigh. My husband came home two nights ago with four gigantic Lindt chocolate truffle bars (different creative variations of CHOCOLATE, sugar, butter) that someone had given him. My IBS went into action just looking at the wrappers. Fa la la la.
sunshineinlondon
November 6, 2010
So are you going to call your new best friend? I loved that your grey roots grew out while you waited … that made me laugh out loud! You’re too funny.
Tis the season …
Sunshine xx
lifeintheboomerlane
November 6, 2010
I chewed up the number and swallowed it after I got back to my car.
Walker
November 6, 2010
Love it, I take it you won’t be calling her? I would have tried to demur, unless it was an attractive, single older man!
As a former retail store owner I am reluctant to shop online… I want to support my local business owners, but the holiday madness is really incredible. It gets worse and worse every year!
lifeintheboomerlane
November 6, 2010
Note to Tiny Embroidery Skein Yarn Purchasing Woman: I have lost your number, and you are not reading this.
izziedarling
November 6, 2010
Hahaha! You can’t make up stuff like that … so sorry. I’m such a line grinch, when people start talking to me, I pretend I don’t speak English. An elderly woman actually hit me mid-thigh with her cane last Saturday – she thought we were sharing a joke. It wasn’t funny.
lifeintheboomerlane
November 7, 2010
Oh my, you’ve got two great topics for posts: pretending you don’t speak English and attack of the cane-wielding elderly shoppers.
carldagostino
November 7, 2010
Only 4 in line at store office register. Good. Need pack of Winston cigarettes. First Person to cash check. No ID. Argument. To see manager. No ID=No$. Second Person to cash check. Expired driver license. Argument. To see manager.No current= No $. Third person to cash check. Personal Check=No $. Argument. To see manager. Personal= No$. Fourth person to cash check(Now 32 minutes expired). Foreign county ID =No $. Argument. To see manager. Manager on break.Wait for assistant manager. No USA ID=NO $. (45 minutes now expired. Now need cigarette AND fifth of vodka). My turn. HOORAY. Sorry sir, out of Winston. Hmmm. Go to grocery store 12 blocks away. 10 people in line ahead of me….Also 50% people this part of county speak Haitian Creole or Spanish only!
lifeintheboomerlane
November 7, 2010
Aaargh. With just a few modifications, it’s a typical shopping day.
Emily Jane
November 8, 2010
Oh dear, I get SO frustrated stuck in stupid lines because of ALL of the above! This weekend I had to wait literally ten minutes while the person in front unloaded their TWO CARTS and then complained about the price at the end (this was at the dollar store, I was buying A LINT ROLLER), then had to figure out which item was scanning at more… ugh even the clerk said it was pretty harsh being stuck behind that for one item. This is why I send the boy out grocery shopping! 🙂
lifeintheboomerlane
November 8, 2010
Oh, that is terrible. Sometimes, a SANE, CARING individual will notice that I am holding one or two items and they are purchasing items to take with them on a three year trek across the Gobi desert, and they will tell me to go ahead of them. Once I actually asked the person ahead of me if I could check out before them and they actually happily agreed. Mostly though, I just stand there and review all the evnts of my life. In slow-motion.
subWOW
November 11, 2010
This is so awesome! I love the little gems of wit you scattered throughout your post. LOVE them!
lifeintheboomerlane
November 11, 2010
Hey thanks!