Why Boomers Should Suck Up to Millennials

Those of you who have been distracted by the awful tsunami composed of the demise of the American political system, combined with the arrival of Covid, may have missed, way back in 2019, the most startling news to hit the planet since we learned that Trump wears diapers and flushes important government documents down the toilet.

“So what!” you shout. “Big deal,” you say. “What are Millennials?” and “What brand diapers?” you ask. Any of these responses shows how little you know about one of the most important issues of our time.

When World War II ended (WWII, for those of you who never heard of it, was a time when most of the world got into a war and we didn’t learn any lessons from it), those of procreating age heaved a sigh of relief and jumped into bed for some much-deserved frolic. They didn’t stop frolicking for another 20 years. The result was that they inadvertently spawned the Gargantuan Boomer Generation: faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a mighty locomotive and able to leap tall building at a single bound.

Boomers have been on top, ever since.  And, like the giant octopus in It Came From Beneath the Sea, attempting to chow down on the entire city of San Francisco, Boomers gobbled up all other generations in sight. We didn’t need the accolades of others. No one was prouder of us than we were of ourselves.  We had the best music, the best fashion, the best student demonstrations, the best recreational drugs, the best ways to accumulate wealth and now, the best old-people sex.  We said it was so and no one challenged us. We ruled, simply because we outnumbered everybody.

Those days are gone. Boomers, in increasing numbers, are leaving and moving to that great over-55 mobile home community in the sky. Millennials (aged 26-41), beefed up by an infusion of young immigrants, have seen their numbers swell. By 2019, the scales were tipped. Sadly, we will never be on top again (a wise move anyway for copulating female Boomers.)  Millennials in 2019 numbered 72.1 million, and Boomers (ages 56 to 76) numbered 71.6 million. Generation X (ages 41 to 56) numbered 65.2 million and is projected to pass the Boomers in population by 2028.

What’s a Boomer to do?  With the exception of convincing of the US Government to invite all people around the planet aged 50-70 to relocate here, not much. Boomers can, of course, continue to spend their days reading any number of Boomer websites that continue to tell us that Boomers are invincible. That won’t work. We can postpone your knee replacement and cataract surgery, in an attempt to deny the aging process and its inevitable conclusion. We will still age, and we will do it with aching knees and blurry vision.

So, let’s get real, here.  Time to make amends to Millennials, in spite of how distasteful a thought that may be. Here are a few suggestions for proper behavior when in the presence of a Millennial:

Don’t allow your mouth to drop open when seeing how fast a Millennial can text.  Their fingers are different and schools don’t teach spelling anymore so it doesn’t matter what the words look like. Also, most words aren’t words anymore.  Don’t put on a surprised or skeptical face in the presence of medical professionals who look like teens. They aren’t.  They really did graduate from med school/radiology school/etc. Same for lawyers.  The things we like we like because that is simply what we are used to, not because these things are better. And anyway, people back in Shakespearean Times also played fast and loose with spelling and it didn’t seem to bother them one bit. On the other hand, don’t allow a doctor to talk to you like you are in the throes of dementia. There is no excuse for that. There’s also no excuse for salespeople ignoring you. So there.

Boomers are occupying an increasingly smaller (Is that grammatically, correct?) piece of the pie, for sure. We wish the best to those who make it to sliver status. Your rewards will be amazement from the general public for every breath you take.

Last, a word of warning. Never allow Millennials near your Lumosity game.  Lumosity is an online brain-training program for older folks, along with crossword puzzles, word game apps, and adult coloring books (Beautiful designs, here, not what you are thinking of.) A few months ago, LBL was showing her younger son how the games worked. He took control of the laptop and immediately got obnoxiously high scores for all of the games that LBL struggled continually over. Now, those scores are permanently set on LBL’s program, so she can never, even if she plays all day long for another 20 years, get extra points for beating “her” highest score.