Sharpiegate

Posted on September 9, 2019

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Life in the Boomer Lane has been unable to arrive at a conclusion regarding the latest antics of our duly-elected malaka-in-charge. Did the Sharpie fiasco visibly demostrate the effects of his creeping dementia or a blatant willingness to bend reality into his own image? Was it evidence that he is the Devil incarnate or, as many of his slobbering acolytes believe, he is truly the son of God, or, even better, God himself, if indeed, God had an unlimited suppy of money, a superb golf game, and a giant dick?

Anyone off the street may not know the first thing about history, geography, or how to tie their shoes, but everyone knows that he who controls the weather, is truly God. And now we have a president who has figured out how to control the weather. All it takes is an ego the size of the federal deficit and a working Sharpie.

A spokesperson for the Sharpie Corporation has announced that all Sharpies will, from now on, contain the following warning: Caution: Using the Sharpie for the purposes of weather manipulation is unlawful and misleading. It is also not recommended for use by children under five years of age or by anyone with an emotional maturity of less than five years, especially if in a position of authority.

In spite of this, an entire industry is emerging, based on Sharpie manipulation. People are taking Sharpies and crossing out the names of beneficiaries in wills and inserting their own names. The NRA now proudly exhibits a copy of the Constitution, in which the Second Amendment has Sharpie language inserted into it to the effect that: No legislation shall ever deter the manufacture and use of assault weapons for whoever wants to use them, even if they are completely nuts.

Trump, mightily pleased with himself for thinking of using the Sharpie to obliterate those who would use actual proof to challenge anything he said, has now started to make public a neverending supply of documents, all Sharpie-induced, to show that he won the elction by unprecedented numbers, the country is better off now that at any time in the last million years, and nobody has ever heard of a Cat 5 hurricane.

He has also submitted a bid to buy the Sharpie Corporation, in the name of the US government, for umpteen billion dollars. To that end, he will take funds from Defense, Social Security, Medicare, Education, and Disaster Relief to fund the purchase. Sharpie use would then be heavily promoted. The corporation would grow exponentially, and all profits would go to Trump’s re-election campaign.

Any way you look at this, Sharpies are gold. LBL, who, because she volunteer teaches English to adults, already has a ready supply of Sharpies on hand, will immediately sell them on the black market in order to fund her retirement. But first, she will grab a red one and give herself a big A+ for this blog post.