This Cricket was No Jiminy

Posted on November 8, 2010


Life in the Boomer Lane is not afraid of insects.  Unless they want to crawl into her nose or ears.  And they always do.  Last night was a typical example. Visualize this: LBL is reading in bed.  Now Husband is sleeping.  It’s peaceful, serene.  LBL is loving her book (To the End of the Land, David Grossman).  Some sixth sense causes her to turn slightly and there, on NH’s pillow, one millimeter from his face, is A CRICKET.  LBL did not panic.  She simply shoved NH and yelled, “Move!”  He did, after flailing a bit and assuming a wide-eyed, terrified look.

When he regained his senses, he swatted the cricket away and it went flying across the room.  Really far.  “Done,” he announced, rolled over, and in about two seconds was sound asleep again.  This left LBL in a room that was:

  1. No longer peaceful
  2. No longer serene
  3. Contained a cricket that LBL now believed would be using a teeny little Cricket GPS system to get back to, not NH, but to
  4. LBL, where it would
  5. crawl into her nose or
  6. her ear

LBL decided to be a Big Girl.  She picked up her book and forced herself to relax and keep reading.  Many minutes passed. After awhile, LBL forgot about the CRICKET.  That is, until she detected a flash of something from the corner of her eye.  LBL turned.  She saw:

THE F-ING CRICKET ONE MILIMETER FROM HER FACE.  It was so close that she could see the map on the tiny GPS it had in its claw/foot/hand.  Sure enough, it had, as LBL suspected, a highlighted route leading directly to HER NOSE and HER EAR.

LBL shrieked.  Really loud.  The neighbor across the way turned his light on.  NH fell out of bed.  This time, he grabbed the cricket, ran to the bathroom with it, and flushed it down the toilet, instead of tossing it down the basement steps into a thriving Cricket Metropolis.  This was very unNHlike.  He does not, as a rule, kill living creatures.  But these were extraordinary circumstances.  And crickets with technology are no laughing matter.

(Note difference between sinister GPS-wielding cricket and well-dressed Jiminy)

Posted in: fun, humor, husband, life, satire