Life in the Boomer Lane is not afraid of insects. Unless they want to crawl into her nose or ears. And they always do. Last night was a typical example. Visualize this: LBL is reading in bed. Now Husband is sleeping. It’s peaceful, serene. LBL is loving her book (To the End of the Land, David Grossman). Some sixth sense causes her to turn slightly and there, on NH’s pillow, one millimeter from his face, is A CRICKET. LBL did not panic. She simply shoved NH and yelled, “Move!” He did, after flailing a bit and assuming a wide-eyed, terrified look.
When he regained his senses, he swatted the cricket away and it went flying across the room. Really far. “Done,” he announced, rolled over, and in about two seconds was sound asleep again. This left LBL in a room that was:
- No longer peaceful
- No longer serene
- Contained a cricket that LBL now believed would be using a teeny little Cricket GPS system to get back to, not NH, but to
- LBL, where it would
- crawl into her nose or
- her ear
LBL decided to be a Big Girl. She picked up her book and forced herself to relax and keep reading. Many minutes passed. After awhile, LBL forgot about the CRICKET. That is, until she detected a flash of something from the corner of her eye. LBL turned. She saw:
THE F-ING CRICKET ONE MILIMETER FROM HER FACE. It was so close that she could see the map on the tiny GPS it had in its claw/foot/hand. Sure enough, it had, as LBL suspected, a highlighted route leading directly to HER NOSE and HER EAR.
LBL shrieked. Really loud. The neighbor across the way turned his light on. NH fell out of bed. This time, he grabbed the cricket, ran to the bathroom with it, and flushed it down the toilet, instead of tossing it down the basement steps into a thriving Cricket Metropolis. This was very unNHlike. He does not, as a rule, kill living creatures. But these were extraordinary circumstances. And crickets with technology are no laughing matter.
(Note difference between sinister GPS-wielding cricket and well-dressed Jiminy)
writerwoman61
November 8, 2010
This post left me laughing hysterically…I have one question, though…what voice does a “sinister cricket” have his GPS set to (and what map do your nostrils appear on)?
Wendy
lifeintheboomerlane
November 8, 2010
All Cricket GPS systems have the voice of Jiminy. And instead of “Most use of Highways” there is a “Most Use of Body Parts” setting. I know these things.
sunshineinlondon
November 8, 2010
If the cricket had lived, imagine how he would have described the turn of events?
Sunshine xx
lifeintheboomerlane
November 8, 2010
He would have been a hero to his clan for his attempts. They would have recounted his story over their tiny campfires. I read a book some years ago called “Empire of the Ants.” It actually talked about things like that.
Robin Dorko
November 8, 2010
Thanks for the laugh to start my day. Sounds like Dan is a keeper!
lifeintheboomerlane
November 8, 2010
Thanks for reading! Dan is, indeed, a great guy. And he is so good about being tossed into my posts all the time. I’ll tell him what you said.
carldagostino
November 8, 2010
The easiest way to get rid of crickets is to put a dozen mice and a dozen snakes under your bed. However, that does not work in Florida because crickets are the size of your father’s Oldsmobile.
lifeintheboomerlane
November 8, 2010
Sounds yummy. And, although we didn’t own a car due to the fact that they cost money, my uncle swore by Oldsmobiles.
duke1959
November 8, 2010
The joys of being a husband! So much to do so little time.
lifeintheboomerlane
November 8, 2010
Truly.
Snippets & Yarns
November 8, 2010
“Crickets with technology are no laughing matter.”
This just became one of my favorite quotations!
Thanks for the great laugh this morning 🙂
~ Meagan
lifeintheboomerlane
November 8, 2010
And thanks for reading! Yes, I love that the tragic occurances in my life provide humor for others. It’s what keeps me going.
lisa@notesfromafrica
November 8, 2010
Are you sure there is just ONE cricket?! 🙂
lifeintheboomerlane
November 8, 2010
Don’t think I didn’t think of that. I know there’s a Dugger-like extended family in the basement, and when word gets out that Billy/Bob/Fred didn’t return, the search party is bound to show up.
TexasTrailerParkTrash
November 8, 2010
A couple of months ago I was awakened when a scorpion fell from the ceiling onto my pillow. Then a few weeks later one went for a stroll up my bare back as I was sleeping.
(And no, I don’t live in a brush hut. Those critters can find the teensiest crack in order to invade your house.)
lifeintheboomerlane
November 8, 2010
I am nauseated and horrified by your comment. Now I have to worry about scorpions as well.
V.V. Denman
November 8, 2010
Yes, just a few weeks ago, I found a scorpion on my toilet paper. Freaked. Me. Out. It’s a fact they have GPS systems. How else would they find me over and over and over and over again?
Patricia
November 8, 2010
Eeeewwww ! Nothing worse then creeping creepy critters in your bed!
I tell all bugs, outside you live–inside you DIE!
lifeintheboomerlane
November 8, 2010
This is war. We just found ANOTHER cricket in the main part of the house. I’m sleeping with a hood on.
carldagostino
November 8, 2010
Bug War Tip from Florida: For crickets and roaches. Sprinkle baking soda. Bugs eat it. Get gas. Can’t pass gas. Belly explodes = dead. Cohorts eat remains. Cycle continues. No smell and environmentally friendly.
Walker
November 9, 2010
Jiminy Cricket and Prince Charming…great fairy tale!
lifeintheboomerlane
November 9, 2010
Funny!
Posky
November 9, 2010
I’ve eaten them. They’re awful but you really feel powerful when you’re eating another creature. It’s an evil sort of power but a power none the less.
The next time one scares you just remember that you could eat one of those bad boys in a second.
Good post.
lifeintheboomerlane
November 9, 2010
Thanks for reading. I think.