After my cricket post I decided to take a break from writing about any non-humanoids for awhile. Then my phone rang. It was a former client:
“I have rats. What should I do?” I thought about this for awhile, but rat stew didn’t seem to be the most helpful answer.
“Call an exterminator.” I paused. “And the County.” I stopped short of suggesting the police or the Washington Post.
“They chewed through the living room ceiling.”
“Wow, yeah, that’s a problem all right.”
(Note to self: Do not come over to their house without a big metal hat and a gun)
“Let me know what happens.”
They did. A few days later my phone rang.
“You wanted to know about the rats.”
“Oh, right.” (I didn’t.)
“The exterminator said he never saw anything like it. He couldn’t figure out where they were coming from. He was stumped. But we are going to work on this together.”
I didn’t ask for an explanation.
My friend Joyce was here visiting. The guest bedroom is on the attic level.
“There are crickets in your guest bedroom.”
“Oh, right,” I answered. “There’s some kind of cricket invasion. We might call the County.”
“I’m always afraid they will crawl into my nose or ear.”
“A client of mine has rats and they are chewing through the living room ceiling.”
That was the end of cricket talk. I know how to effectively stop intimations about subjecting houseguests to cricket attacks.
This evening, my phone rang. It was my across-the-street friend/neighbor, Linda.
“Did you know there was a fox in front of your house?”
“Uh, no.”
“Well, there was, and Josh was riding his scooter and the fox ran after him.”
“Uh, the fox doesn’t belong to me. I think you should call the County.”
“Yeah, someone said to be careful about rabies.”
“Right. Did you know I talked to someone who has rats chewing through the living room ceiling?”
That was the end of fox talk. I know how to effective stop intimations about my harboring a rabid fox.
I hung up. I told my Now Husband Dan that Linda saw a fox in front of our house.
“Oh, yeah,” he said, “I saw it too.”
“Are you serious? In front of our house?!”
“No. Walking down our driveway.”
I did the only sensible thing I could do at that point. I let the cat out.
carldagostino
November 11, 2010
Seems like you have immigrant problems too like Arizona and New Mexico. To heck with county. You need INS. How can the President not know you are being invaded? I’ll tell ya, if Ronald Reagan was still around these invaders would not be foolin witcha.
lifeintheboomerlane
November 11, 2010
Where is a Non-Humanoid Internment Camp when we need one?
duke1959
November 11, 2010
how funny!
lifeintheboomerlane
November 11, 2010
Thanks. Can’t wait to see what today brings (on more than two legs).
thysleroux
November 11, 2010
I did the only sensible thing I could do at that point. I let the cat out.
HAHAHAHAHHA!
My wife would do the same thing!
Funny stuff…
lifeintheboomerlane
November 11, 2010
Thanks. Yeah, but she came back.
sunshineinlondon
November 11, 2010
I’m wondering why you got the call about the rats? That made me laugh. Ask your daughter to introduce you to some English foxes when you come to London – we see them regularly! 🙂
lifeintheboomerlane
November 11, 2010
It’s always that way in real estate. When someone trusts you, they feel like you are their go-to person for everything. I could write a hilarious post about what people have called me about in the last 31 years. But, of course, I have forgotten most of the things. I will ask Yael about the foxes.
writerwoman61
November 11, 2010
“I did the only sensible thing I could do at that point. I let the cat out.” Best. Ending. Ever.
We see the occasional fox here…they’re quite shy, and don’t hurt anything. Actually, if you could catch it and take it to your friend’s house, it would take care of that nasty rat problem…
Wendy
lifeintheboomerlane
November 11, 2010
Outstanding solution. For someone else to do!
subWOW
November 11, 2010
I need to steal that story about the rats. Comes in very handy!
lifeintheboomerlane
November 11, 2010
Have at it!
V.V. Denman
November 11, 2010
I would pack up and move. Quickly.
lifeintheboomerlane
November 11, 2010
I seriously would move (or, at the very least, call the externimator, the Dog Whisperer, the County, the INS, and the TSA) if I saw a rat in my house. I wouldn’t wait until they started knawing through the ceiling. But hey, I’m just funny that way.
merrilymarylee
November 11, 2010
Can I borrow the cat?
lifeintheboomerlane
November 11, 2010
I’m renting her out by the hour.
TexasTrailerParkTrash
November 11, 2010
I’ll loan you our armadillo. It comes with its own kevlar vest.
lifeintheboomerlane
November 11, 2010
This sounds good. Do they eat crickets also? I might need a kevlar night mask for those.
Joyce
November 11, 2010
I’ll make sure I get a rabies shot before my next visit to your house!
lifeintheboomerlane
November 11, 2010
Forget the rabies shot. Natalie in my office told me her son was visiting and there was a cricket in the bedroom and it crawled into his mouth. That’s worse than a rabid dog.
Amiable Amiable
November 13, 2010
Some people might be offended, but I think your comment about letting cat out is hilarious. As is the entire post!
lifeintheboomerlane
November 13, 2010
Thanks. Luckily, everyone else thought it was funny!