The Lady Gaga Guide to Airport Security

Posted on November 12, 2010

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Life in the Boomer Lane is about to leave for London.  Again.  Because her three kids all live at a distance (three different distances, to be precise), LBL now does a fair amount of traveling.  And, because LBL has enough metal in her body to build a washer/dryer, Airport Security is always a blast (Whoops, wrong choice of words.) she meant an “experience.”  In fact, LBL doesn’t even have to be concerned about liquids, aerosols, cuticle scissors, pin cushions, etc, because her body, itself, is the featured attraction.

Added to that, as though it were possible to add anything else to the mix, LBL has now been given a letter from her cardiologist stating that she has radioactive isotopes cavorting in places they shouldn’t, the result of a test she had a couple weeks ago.  The test was, as everyone suspected it would be, negative, but nobody told the little isotopes to vacate the premises in a timely manner.  So LBL has been told that Airport Security will pick them up in addition to all the metal.

If Airport Security celebrated holidays, this would be the equivalent of Cinco de Mayo.  Lights will flash, buzzers buzz, more fortunate (and less metallicized) travelers will give me wide berth.  LBL will be read her Miranda Rights of Travel, she will refuse private screening, the Full Body Pat Down will begin.  Some male travelers will sneak secret glances.  Some female travelers will adjust their bra straps without even realizing it.  Parents will shield their children’s eyes.  LBL will calculate how many minutes she has before the door to the gate closes, and she is left standing alone with her carry on, earrings, bracelet, novel, purse, passport, and shoes.

LBL is tough.  More than tough, she is sort of distracted.  While all the mayhem is going on, she tends to spend more time thinking about what she forgot to pack than the fact that TSA hands are flying all over her body (“Now she is going to run her hand under each breast. Oh she means bra cup”).

LBL thought she was prepared.  That is, until she saw a photo of Lady Gaga going through Airport Security.  For those of you who don’t know Lady Gaga, she isn’t a relative of Queen Elizabeth.  She is The World’s Biggest Pop Phenomenon.  Doesn’t matter.  Here’s what LBL saw: 

Excuse me?  Is LBL missing something?  No bells ringing?  No pat down? No nothing?  Gaga explains it this way: “You have to feel good in (sic) what you wear, even if it’s a little crazy.” That’s it?  Feel good?  That’s enough to keep TSA Folks’ hands in their pockets (or on each other) and not on LBL?

OK then.  LBL is ready.  Hey TSA, here she comes.  When the buzzers buzz and the flashers flash, LBL will just keep strolling along like nothing happened.  And, then, when she is wrestled to the ground by approximately 1000 lbs of uniformed Security Police, she’ll just say “Hey, I have to feel good about what is inside my body, even if it’s a little crazy.”

Then LBL will call a lawyer from her hospital room.

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Posted in: humor, life, satire, travel