A Boomer New Year

Posted on December 25, 2011


It’s that time of year again, when thoughts of health and fitness may intrude ever-so-slightly as we shove yet another holiday treat into our gaping maws.  When a belief in the kindness and goodness of mankind is ever-so-gently shoved aside as we spew epithets at those who secure undeserved spaces before we do in the mall parking lot.  Or when we temporarily set aside our distaste of materialism as we claw our way through the pre and post-Christmas specials.

And then, when we are least suspecting it, bam, it’s the start of another year, and we still have chocolate smeared on our chins. So, let’s put that fork down, and focus on the year ahead. For boomers, especially, 2012 is important for several reasons:

1. Dick Clark It’s Dick Clark’s Rockin New Years Eve, with Ryan Seacrest.  This means without Dick Clark.  The 81-year-old host of Bandstand had a stroke in 2004 and now only appears to count down the year’s final seconds, before belting out “Happy New Year!” and then being taken away again.  Ryan Seacrest, by law the host and emcee of 90% of all US television programming, then takes over.  For boomers who grew up with Bandstand, Dick Clark, like Pat Boone and Twinkies, was created to be non-biodegradable. So this sucks.

2. Medicare Throughout 2012, boomers will be turning 65 at a rate of 8000 per day.  This means approximately 10 billion more people trying to understand Medicare and failing, before they have to sign up for it.  Worse, we might finally be able to understand it and then, at that exact moment, it will be taken away, disproving the saying “You can’t lose what you never had.”

3. Social Security The first wave of boomers will turn 66 in 2012, an age that will allow them to collect full social security benefits with no limit on how much they earn from other sources.  What this means is that the people who needed the income (brilliant, free spirits, like bloggers and realtors) had to take it earlier, at a lower payout.  But the people who didn’t need it (superfluous, boring people like teachers and Paul Newman) could wait and then get a full payout.

4. Mobile Communication  Mobile communication is expected to increase. This is a huge surprise, almost rivalling the prediction of the rise in Spanx usage as the population ages. And, since mobile devices continue to get smaller and smaller, human fingers will also get smaller, while eyes will get larger. Boomer fingers will remain the same size they have always been, thereby exacerbating the ongoing problem many boomers have with texting.

5. Cloud Computing  There is predicted to be more use of the “cloud,” a made up fictitious thing that doesn’t even exist, described as “the delivery of computing as a service rather than a product, whereby shared resources, software, and information are provided to computers and other devices as a metered service over a network (typically the Internet). Through an internet connection (the equivalent of an electrical outlet), you can access whatever applications, files, or data you have opted to store in the cloud–anytime, anywhere, from any device. How it gets to you and where it’s stored are not your concern (well, for most people they’re not).Blah blah blah blah blah.  Try getting a call back from your company IT guy.  Gee, I guess he’s out there, sitting on his f-ing “cloud”  and eating barbecue Tostitos.

So, hey, here’s to 2012!