A Startling Prediction About the Fate of the Entire World

Posted on March 7, 2011


If we tear ourselves away long enough from any device that starts with a lower case “i”, we will be aware that we are being surrounded by a lot of old people.  Some of them might even be us.  The fact of the matter is that the age demographic of the United States and a lot of other countries is going up.  The World Bank talks about a “demographic time bomb.”  And, as we all know, age demographic time bombs are worse than terrorist time bombs, because there is, as yet, no known cure for aging, even if you know what all the little wires mean. 

By 2050 the world will have about 2 billion people over 60, three times as many as today. In Japan and western Europe, that age group already makes up nearly a quarter of the population. By 2050 their share will rise to 30-40%, and even in the much younger-developing world it will go up to 25-30%.

 But that’s only part of the story.  Brookings Institute reports that in other geographic areas, like Africa and the Middle East, rates of population growth across most of the region are still expanding. In Egypt, Pakistan, Algeria, and Morocco, the population growth rate will not likely decrease until 2025; in Iraq, it likely will not decrease even by 2050. In Yemen, Saudi Arabia, Pakistan, and Iraq, the rapid population growth means that youths under the age of 24 now make up 50-65 percent of the population. In Yemen the average age is either 18, or possibly 9.

 If there’s one thing we do know about all these statistics, it’s that they are really boring.  So let’s forget about them and move on to predictions.  Predictions are a lot more fun because they are about something that hasn’t even happened.  So if they don’t come true, we can say “Did I say that?  I can’t imagine.  I think you heard wrong.”   Also, when predictions occur in the far future (Example: There will be another Little Ice Age on September 21, 2308.  It will start in Bayonne, New Jersey), most of the people reading them will be entirely too old to remember them or entirely too dead.  We start with two assumptions that may or may not be true but will totally support our hypothesis. For that reason, alone they are very important:

  1. In the US, and many other countries that are experiencing population aging, women control the wealth.  They also live longer than men, and they take fewer naps.  So older women dominate the landscape and wield the power. 
  2. In many countries where populations are young, women are not the decision makers or controllers of the wealth.  So young males dominate the landscape and wield the power.

Ergo, the conclusion that can be reached is: Economic, religious, racial, cultural and educational differences will become as irrelevant as the middle class.  The real battle will be between women over 50  and men under 24.  After awhile, the entire world will be sucked in.  People will take sides.  Rap musicians will be targeted and will fall prey to drive by fender benders.  Factories making sensible shoes will be boycotted. Lady Gaga will ultimately control vast areas of the globe because nobody can figure out what category she fits into.

This mayhem will continue until Angry Birds Version 12 comes out and all young males go home to play it.  Older women will be free to go back to spending their time at craft fairs and flea markets.  Peace will, for the first time ever in the history of the entire world, be achieved.

Posted in: humor, satire