The Misstate of the Union

The President of the United States gave his State of the Union address last night. The GOP sobbed with gratitude, awe, and undying love and respect for their Commander-in-Chief. “He’s the best!”  “He’s The Man!” “He is a gift from God!” were reactions heard over and over.  Democrats, in their ongoing attempt to urinate on the President’s parade, thought otherwise.

Life in the Boomer Lane, in her continuing effort to educate and enlighten the masses, using only her limited brain cells and unlimited creativity, now presents the definitive match up between the two groups.

GOP: Trump read the teleprompter correctly! He didn’t spill his water!
DEMS: He did and he didn’t, indeed. No argument there.

GOP: He brought people together!
DEMS: Yes, if by “people” you are referring to white people who voted for him.

GOP: He said Americans are dreamers too!  We are all dreamers!  We dream! We dream all-American dreams! We have the best dreams in the world: unicorns, rainbows, the military and mountains of cash!
DEMS: The ACTUAL Dreamers ARE Americans, also. We believe they also dream. Except lately, their dreams are nightmares.

GOP: Guantanamo should remain open!
DEMS: There never were any plans to close Guantanamo.

GOP: Trump said the economy is the best it has ever been in the history of the world!  There is no unemployment anymore!  Even babies are employed!
DEMS: The economic recovery began under Obama. The best Trump did was not screw it up.

GOP: We repealed the disastrous Opamacare!  Bad and wrong Opamacare! Hiss and Boo Opamacare!
DEMS: It’s Obamacare and you didn’t repeal it. You failed. Instead, you are gnawing away at it, bit by bit, without putting anything in its place. Don’t forget to floss, after the gnawing.

GOP: Illegal immigrants have caused the loss of many innocent lives! The MS-13 gang came into our country as unaccompanied alien minors and then ended up murdering American citizens! They want to murder all American citizens!
DEMS: Illegal immigrants have been responsible for less crime than Americans have. MS-13 in Boston, for example, is responsible for only 4% of violent crime.

GOP:  Our massive tax cuts provide tremendous relief for the middle class and small businesses!
DEMS: Tremendous, no. Modest, yes, initially. But the wealthy get most of the benefit. We believe Trump will personally make 1.1 billion on estate taxes, alone. Not bad.

GOP: After years of wage stagnation, we are finally seeing rising wages!
DEMS: Wage growth began under Obama. After Trump entered office, wages initially went up, then fell. For the fourth quarter of 2017, the figure was $345. That’s slightly below the $349 mark in the fourth quarter of 2016, before Trump entered office.

GOP: You are boring us with details! We hate details! People held up crutches!  People cried!  People were saved!  The blind saw! The lame walked! The deaf heard! The flatulent stopped tooting!
DEMS: Yes, and the same thing happens at religious revivals. With all due respect to the theatrics, and they were outstanding, we would have hoped for talk about policies that truly would bring people together, as well as policies that would, once and for all, deal with immigration in a truly bi-partisan way.

GOP: People held up crutches! People cried!  People were saved!
DEMS: Right.