A Cat By Any Other Name

Posted on April 7, 2011

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Let’s make a few things really clear: Life in the Boomer Lane is not a cat person.  If you go into her house and see a cat (or a cat screaming to get into her house,) it’s because she is cat-sitting.  Her daughter owns the cat, which she named Miracle.  LBL thinks most modern miracles typically involve something that can’t be explained.  The only thing Miracle has in common with an actual miracle is that she can’t be explained either.  LBL’s daughter got Miracle in her senior year of college and realized she couldn’t keep her. Her daughter will be 35 next month.  LBL is still waiting for her to take her cat back.

Miracle has, over the years, shown an inordinate talent in various categories:

  1. She can remain on the roof and front windshield of LBL’s car without flying off, while LBL is speeding along.
  2. While she is incapable of noticing squirrels, dogs or other cats in her immediate vicinity, she is able to spot an ant across the room.  In fact, she is able to spot ants where they don’t actually exist and, at such times, can do a pretty on target imitation of someone with St Vitus Dance who has a terrible case of poison ivy and also has to pee really badly.
  3. Her main hobby is staring at blank walls, which LBL thinks is either an homage to her time in the sixties or an indication that although she never actually flew off the roof of LBL’s car, a lot of her brain cells might have.
  4. She has figured out how to get into a Chinese lacquer piece of furniture thingy where LBL keeps some of her clothes.  No matter how tightly the doors are closed or how many locks are put on them, she gets in.  She nests in there for hours, shedding fur as fast as John Boehner sheds tears.  LBL has tried everything to keep her out, including putting barriers up.  LBL has given up.  All of her clothes now look like Chia Pets.
  5. Unlike most cats who only react unfavorably to an empty bowl, Miracle  has powers of prognostication. She freaks out when she sees even a tiny part of the bottom of her food dish, an indication to her that she might possibly run out of food.

On second thought, scratch #5. LBL does the same thing herself.

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Posted in: cats, humor, life, satire