How to Deter Burglars, Thieves, and 16-Year-Olds

Posted on June 8, 2015

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Life in the Boomer Lane would be lying to you if she were to tell you that personal security has not been on her mind.  This is because a gun store is scheduled to open in LBL’s hitherto touchie feelie, peace-loving neighborhood and LBL feels completely mystified and out of the loop, when considering the thought of citizens lined up to purchase firearms for self-protection.

LBL assumes that many people buy guns because it gives them a sense of security against marauders, in much the same way as having an alarm system or a large, surly dog on one’s premises. Unlike alarm systems, large surly dogs and guns can both get out of hand, causing non-marauders a lot of harm. And, unlike alarm systems and large surly dogs, guns are often stored in shoe boxes in the back of high shelves, providing marauders time to carry out most of their marauding, while gun owners are rooting around amid boxes of stilettos, trying to find their guns.

This got LBL to wondering: If people buy guns for protection from theft, might there be another way  to deter such theft without resorting to bullets? One possibility might be what was contained in a Facebook posting, sent to LBL by an alert reader. The posting was made by a Scottish friend of hers:

I’ve had too many lovely friends burgled lately, leaving them understandably fearful and angry, so I think there’s a market for Potters Fuck Off Alarms. No more loud ringing tones than people often ignore, but a vocal audio that plays so loud next doors dog will shit themselves. You could write your own script and request the local accent, but it also comes with a default setting at maximum volume called ‘Terrifying Scots Woman’. 
‘HAW!! HAW YOU YA PRICK OH YER SO FUCKIN DEAD… AYE YE BETTER RUN YA THIEVIN WEE BASTARD… HERE AH’M COMIN!!! 
I think it might sell?

LBL applauds Potter for marketing his verbal alarms.  If French is the language of love, surely the Scottish brogue must be the language of burglar deterrence.

LBL has considered putting a car up on blocks in front of her abode or having a fake notice on the door from the Board of Health, announcing the presence of both cholera and Sarah Palin inside the home.

To provide yet one more service to all of her loyal readers, LBL has perused various websites, packed with handy advice about preventing burglaries and car theft. She has encountered the following advice:

Buzzfeed advises putting bumper stickers on one’s car and leaving the car as messy as possible. LBL is home-free with both of these.  In addition, her gas gauge can often be found hovering around “Empty,” and there are usually soon-to-be-due library books on the front seat.  No honorable felon would want to be responsible for causing overdue library books.

Mother Nature Network advises placing a mannequin in the window, when one leaves one’s home. The downside of this tactic is that, in some cases, the large blow up dolls available online would actually encourage burglars (as well as many male neighbors) to enter the house.

HouseLogic reports that in the U.K., they slather “anti-climb” paint, which never dries, on downspouts, gutters, and anything they don’t want an intruder to shimmy up.  LBL isn’t sure whether the “anti-climb” means that felons will aromatically slip down from railings and downspouts, or will be deterred by the thought of messing up their clothing. LBL is skeptical of the latter, since she has always assumed that burglars have dress clothing and work clothing, and expect that their work clothing might get messed up.

One handy bit of advice that comes from LBL’s own vast inventory of life lessons is to try to avoid leaving one’s new convertible BMW in the driveway overnight, with the top down and the keys on the dash.  LBL experimented with this about 15 years ago, and discovered upon awakening in the morning that there was no car in her driveway. LBL was gratified that the police located her car the next day and that she provided two teens with a fun activity on a slow Saturday night.

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Posted in: humor, mishap, mishaps, satire