Many people nowadays confuse being middle aged with being in the Middle Ages. They can be forgiven for a certain amount of confusion, since neither group of people had births recorded on iPhones and immediately posted on social media networks around the planet. Neither group grew up with Tickle Me Elmo and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Neither group attended Nicky Minaj concerts or sent anything via the postal service.
Some of the language is shared between the two groups. For example, “It’s sick!” is a statement known to most middle agers with children, as a positive affirmation of something. “It’s sick!” was a statement well-known to most people in the Middle Ages, being used mostly during the time of the Black Death in response to the question, “How is your village?”
But there are some differences between the two groups. Middle Age is considered roughly to be the years between 40 and 60, whereas life expectancy in the Middle Ages was 40 something. So, in the Middle Ages, most people would have spent most of their middle age being deceased.
Middle agers nowadays have access to indoor plumbing and vibrating toothbrushes. They can clean as many body parts as they choose, as often as they choose to do so. In the Middle Ages, barrels were often used as baths, with entire families sharing the same bath water. Toothbrushes weren’t needed as much because many people’s teeth vacated the premises fairly early in adulthood.
In the Middle Ages, superstition and ignorance reigned. Pixies, trolls, and hobgoblins were thought to actually exist. Health was controlled by the stars, and affliction was a sign of impurity of the soul-a curse from God. In middle age, we scoff at such ignorance, unless we are followers of Rick Santorum.
Up until the twelfth century, most medieval manuscripts were written by monks living in monasteries. For this reason, nobody knew about menopause or overactive bladder syndrome. Middle aged people nowadays can educate themselves about middle age by reading AARP Magazine and staring at themselves naked in a full length mirror, two more things people in the Middle Ages didn’t have.
Middle aged singles are just getting the party started. They have access to singles groups, online dating sites and Viagra. Older single women, especially, can take advantage of any number of lifestyles they choose: to stay single, to remarry, to be in a committed relationship without marrying. In the Middle Ages, women past childbearing age and without husbands also had many avenues to choose from, all of them involving becoming nuns.
All in all, we can see that it’s better to be middle-aged than to have lived in the Middle Ages. So stop your complaining and take a bath.
Rebecca Latson Photography
February 22, 2012
I burst out laughing at the Rick Santorum comment. Love it!
Life in the Boomer Lane
February 23, 2012
The man is a stand up comic.
Travel Spirit
February 22, 2012
Amazing to think I would have been dead back then!
Life in the Boomer Lane
February 23, 2012
Yeah, and after my divorce, I’d be shipped off to a convent.
deliriouslydivine
February 22, 2012
vibrating toothbrushes… vibrators, as well! Though in the middle ages a tool like that, in my position, would probably have resulted in my being stoned to death!
Life in the Boomer Lane
February 23, 2012
You could do an entire post about that. Really blow the Freshly Pressed commissioners away.
chlost
February 22, 2012
Rick Santorum is still in the Middle Ages from all I can tell.
Life in the Boomer Lane
February 23, 2012
I think you are right.
Rob Rubin
February 22, 2012
I think Rick Santorum secretly likes to stick a vibrating toothbrush up his ass.
Life in the Boomer Lane
February 23, 2012
Keep checking the media. I’m sure there will be an expose soon about that.
My Inner Chick
February 22, 2012
~~~~50 is the new 30, Babe!!!
OH! Are vibrating toothbrushes really for brushing your teeth?! Oops.
Life in the Boomer Lane
February 23, 2012
Wow, everybody is responding to the vibrating toothbruch thing, rather than my superb wit and uncanny grasp of history.
k8edid
February 22, 2012
This made me laugh, which made me cough, which made me pass out, when I came to I read it again and repeated the cycle…Rick Santorum…ha ha…cough, cough…here I go again…
Life in the Boomer Lane
February 23, 2012
Oh, so sorry you are sick! I better not bring my comedy routine to hospitals.
k8edid
February 23, 2012
Only if you pass out oxygen masks.
viewsofthecanadian
February 22, 2012
Absolutely beautiful post.
runningwithoutsocks
February 23, 2012
” In the Middle Ages, women past childbearing age and without husbands also had many avenues to choose from, all of them involving becoming nuns.” HAHAHAHAAHA hilarious!!
Life in the Boomer Lane
February 23, 2012
Nuns are always such good material for comedy. True fact: When word got back to France that the first shiploads of men who were attempting to settle New Orleans needed “young, unmarried women,” France sent a shipload of nuns. So a convent was actually the first big building to be built. I think it became a sort of girls dorm type place (The last sentence was my artistic license).
plumplyhonest
February 23, 2012
I nearly died from laughter after the Rick Santorum comment – as always, thanks for the laugh. This was just what I needed today/tonight after a long day traveling and dealing with less than pleasant flight attendants!
Life in the Boomer Lane
February 23, 2012
Happy to provide you with mirth at the expense of the American electorate.
hetile
February 23, 2012
need to share this with my dad. Think he’s got it twisted
Life in the Boomer Lane
February 23, 2012
Oh, funny!
edrevets
February 23, 2012
You put anything about vibrating on the internet, you’re going to get some unsavory responses.
Also, Rick Santorum would have been considered a solid political player during the Middle Ages due to his conservative beliefs.
Life in the Boomer Lane
February 23, 2012
Sadly, you are correct on the second item. But no unsavory comments have been received yet. Should I post my personal email address?
Sandra Parsons
February 23, 2012
Ha, the Middle Ages had the Spanish Inquisition, and you guys have Rick Santorum. I’d say that constitutes a tie between the two groups.
Life in the Boomer Lane
February 23, 2012
Sadly, if Santorum gets his way, many of us might have to go into hiding.
Audubon Ron
February 23, 2012
…which is why I’m a tad embarrassed by Rick Santorum, even as I am loosely described as a “Conservative Christian”. I’d rather think of myself more as an independent discretionary. But, we don’t have a party for that.
So, when Santorum condemns for whatever he has cooking up in his social agenda caldron to win votes, he takes on the role of the inquisitor, which is something I personally would not recommend as a “Conservative Christian” for eventually the inquisitor will “be judged as we have [he has] judged, by the same measure and the same standard”. [Matthew 7] And, I would remonstrate with any Conservative Christian politician, be it ever so gently, they can dance on the Constitution, but to infuse the religious doctrine while standing on the stump is a grave sin.
“For eighteen hundred years, though perchance I have no right to say it, the New Testament has been written; yet where is the legislator who has wisdom and practical talent enough to avail himself of the light which it sheds on the science of legislation.” Henry David Thoreau
***
We can declare love with fervor, but demand it we cannot. – Audubon Ron (A very wise and sage prophet)
Life in the Boomer Lane
February 23, 2012
Ah Ron, wonderful. I have a great respect for anyone who arrives at his/her opinions via knowledge and after careful consideration, even if the end result differs from me. Throughout history, religion has been used as a tool for personal gain and/or to harm others. Sadly, we are seeing this now.
speaker7
February 23, 2012
Trolls do exist. A few are trying to get the Republican nod for president and one goes by the name of Donald Trump.
Life in the Boomer Lane
February 23, 2012
Can you write a post in which you present all of these lunkheads in their true grab?
KM Huber
February 23, 2012
Although the vibrating toothbrush was like something shiny for me, I want to go on record as an apostle of your sterling wit and “uncanny grasp of history.” I will follow you….
Karen
Life in the Boomer Lane
February 23, 2012
I am honored. Will you also throw cash in my path?
pegoleg
February 23, 2012
Can I borrow your picture for my Christmas card this year?
Life in the Boomer Lane
February 23, 2012
It’ll cost you.
gojulesgo
February 23, 2012
Wait. You’re telling me hobgoblins DON’T exist? There goes my next blog post.
Life in the Boomer Lane
February 23, 2012
Hey Jules, if anyone can bring hobgoblins (a friendly version of them) to life, it’s you.
izziedarling
February 23, 2012
… teeth vacating premises – MY favorite line. Very witty, pal!
Life in the Boomer Lane
February 23, 2012
Thanks, Iz!
savingthebestforlast
February 23, 2012
Hilarious, but the Rick Santorum comment was the best!
Life in the Boomer Lane
February 23, 2012
xxoo
Cmsmith
February 23, 2012
I love this. Thanks for the laugh.
Life in the Boomer Lane
February 23, 2012
Ah, you are welcome!
Betty Londergan
February 23, 2012
Renee, you seriously DO make me laugh out loud … I’m sitting in a restaurant in Cap Haitien, Haiti in my only swanky experience on the whole trip and I’m LOVING that I’m drinking a cold Prestige beer and reading your wonderful, hilarious post on the Middle Ages. Now this is what the internet is all about …
LOVE that you always, always make my day!!! xoxoxo b
Life in the Boomer Lane
February 23, 2012
Wow, I’m being read in Haiti! I will now imagine myself being carried all over the world by you.
valentinelogar
February 24, 2012
Rick Santorum? Killing me with laughter. This was really well done.
Life in the Boomer Lane
February 24, 2012
I should pay him for the material he provides me with.
Carol R Craley
February 24, 2012
Love this post!! While I roared with laughter at much of your research on Middle Ages vs Middle Aged, I have been left depressed… I didn’t know there weren’t any trolls or pixies or hobgoblins. That is really sad news. We have fairies that live in the forests in Maine, they’re still there aren’t they? I’ve seen the houses they build… they are green architects building only from organic material… The real vibrating toothbrush in the heart… according to your statistics I am past middle age. So, like, who am I? I can’t be old! Is there an intermediary category?? Perhaps Peri-old??
Life in the Boomer Lane
February 24, 2012
Thanks, Carol. Gosh, I never should have written that about the pixies, etc. I, personally, would hate it if someone tried to tell me that the people who visit me each night in bed didn’t exist. Hey, yes, WE are no longer middle aged. We are now the YOUNG old!!! Hurrah! I think the YOUNG old goes until age 112. Hope that helps.