Your Most Embarrassing Health Questions, Answered

Posted on October 13, 2011

37 Health Newsletter has a new post titled “The 10 Most Embarrassing Health Questions.”  Here they are, along with answers provided by a non-Oprah staff member: 

Q: I recently noticed these large, irregular patches of white on my back—it almost looks like my skin has lost pigment in that area. What’s going on?
A: Many of us have strange things going on on our backs, but, since it is virtually impossible to see our backs, we will never know what they are. We don’t know how you can see yours, and we don’t care.

Q: I found one tiny, flesh-colored bump on my chin, and then I found another, and another…how can I make them go away?
A: We don’t know, but we do think you are exhibiting obsessive behavior, which is way more serious than stupid chin bumps.

Q: What’s the deal with the acne on my bottom?
A: There is no “deal.”  But if the acne seems to be the approximation of either a religious scene or an Old Masters work of art, you might have a money-maker there.
Q: Do thick and discolored toenails only happen to older people?
A: If it is unseemly, unsightly, smells bad, or involves things gravitating to the wrong place on one’s body, it probably only happens to older people.  If it is loud or rude or obnoxious or in bad taste, it’s a bet it belongs to a younger person. 
Q: Should I pluck the tiny hairs on my breasts?
A: If you have absolutely nothing else to do, go ahead.  Just don’t blame us when your life becomes empty and meaningless and you get a hideous, itchy rash and no man will ever come near you again.

Q: I’ve noticed a tiny bit of white discharge from my nipples, but I don’t have a baby. Does this mean I’m pregnant?
A:Just because you can’t find the baby yet, doesn’t mean you don’t have one.  Babies are really small, and many women misplace them while they are busy doing other things.  We suggest you keep looking.  And do check the vacuum cleaner bag.

Q: Are large or lopsided labia more prone to bacterial infections?
A: No, but do email us a photo of yours.  Please.

Q: I have a small bump on the skin near my vagina. How do I know if it’s an STD?
A: Check your Daytimer.  If you have a lot of entries that say “meet that guy at that motel,” call your doctor.
Q: In a situation when I don’t have time to shower—after a surprise sleepover, for example—can I use those facial cleansing cloths to wash my private parts?
A: We have a couple questions for you:  Why was the sleepover a surprise?  Why are you sleeping with someone who doesn’t own a bathroom or who can’t provide you with a wash cloth?  And does your mother know about this? 

Q: Do women get worse hangovers than men?
A: Yes.  And we can’t take any more questions because we had a lot of wine with dinner last night and these stupid questions are hurting our head.