Oprah.com Health Newsletter has a new post titled “The 10 Most Embarrassing Health Questions.” Here they are, along with answers provided by a non-Oprah staff member:
Q: I recently noticed these large, irregular patches of white on my back—it almost looks like my skin has lost pigment in that area. What’s going on?
A: Many of us have strange things going on on our backs, but, since it is virtually impossible to see our backs, we will never know what they are. We don’t know how you can see yours, and we don’t care.
Q: I found one tiny, flesh-colored bump on my chin, and then I found another, and another…how can I make them go away?
A: We don’t know, but we do think you are exhibiting obsessive behavior, which is way more serious than stupid chin bumps.
Q: What’s the deal with the acne on my bottom?
A: There is no “deal.” But if the acne seems to be the approximation of either a religious scene or an Old Masters work of art, you might have a money-maker there.
Q: Do thick and discolored toenails only happen to older people?
A: If it is unseemly, unsightly, smells bad, or involves things gravitating to the wrong place on one’s body, it probably only happens to older people. If it is loud or rude or obnoxious or in bad taste, it’s a bet it belongs to a younger person.
Q: Should I pluck the tiny hairs on my breasts?
A: If you have absolutely nothing else to do, go ahead. Just don’t blame us when your life becomes empty and meaningless and you get a hideous, itchy rash and no man will ever come near you again.
Q: I’ve noticed a tiny bit of white discharge from my nipples, but I don’t have a baby. Does this mean I’m pregnant?
A:Just because you can’t find the baby yet, doesn’t mean you don’t have one. Babies are really small, and many women misplace them while they are busy doing other things. We suggest you keep looking. And do check the vacuum cleaner bag.
Q: Are large or lopsided labia more prone to bacterial infections?
A: No, but do email us a photo of yours. Please.
Q: I have a small bump on the skin near my vagina. How do I know if it’s an STD?
A: Check your Daytimer. If you have a lot of entries that say “meet that guy at that motel,” call your doctor.
Q: In a situation when I don’t have time to shower—after a surprise sleepover, for example—can I use those facial cleansing cloths to wash my private parts?
A: We have a couple questions for you: Why was the sleepover a surprise? Why are you sleeping with someone who doesn’t own a bathroom or who can’t provide you with a wash cloth? And does your mother know about this?
Q: Do women get worse hangovers than men?
A: Yes. And we can’t take any more questions because we had a lot of wine with dinner last night and these stupid questions are hurting our head.
Life in the Boomer Lane 
Marion Driessen
October 13, 2011
LOL funny, thanks for the laugh 😀
lifeintheboomerlane
October 13, 2011
You’re welcome!
TheIdiotSpeaketh
October 13, 2011
Lmao! Thanks 🙂
lifeintheboomerlane
October 13, 2011
Anytime. I’m always up for writing posts that cause people to lose body parts.
Another Boomer Blog
October 13, 2011
LOL – love it. !
lifeintheboomerlane
October 13, 2011
And thanks for reading.
pegoleg
October 13, 2011
This is timely, hard-hitting information. Would the non-Oprah staffer happen to have a blog?
What the hell is that picture supposed to be?
lifeintheboomerlane
October 13, 2011
Ah, Peg, that non-Oprah staffer does, indeed, have a blog. A non-money-making one, at that. Such a pity.
pegoleg
October 14, 2011
Don’t feel too bad. I hear Oprah’s not making any money right now, either.
Kathryn McCullough
October 13, 2011
Yeah, what’s up with the picture? Trying to confuse us?
Kathy
lifeintheboomerlane
October 13, 2011
It’s two Japanese women on trial for something or other at some time in the past. The head buckets represented their shame. I’m guessing they were probably sending notes back and forth to each other, saying “Why do we have to wear these stupid hats?” I chose the photo to represent embarrassment but really I just liked it.
Lafemmeroar
October 13, 2011
Who ever is answering those questions must be having a ball 🙂
lifeintheboomerlane
October 13, 2011
I think so, also.
Lisa (Woman Wielding Words)
October 13, 2011
LOL. Thanks for another wonderful laugh.
Dede
October 13, 2011
Very funny, this one… BTW I get a funny clicking in my index finger when I poke at the ice cubes in my Scotch… Should I get it looked into?
lifeintheboomerlane
October 13, 2011
Drinking straight from the bottle should take care of that.
Carl D'Agostino
October 13, 2011
I have been “investing” in slot machines. Why am I losing money instead of making money on these investments?
lifeintheboomerlane
October 14, 2011
This is technically not a health question, unless you begin to notice that your arm begins to feel the effects of the downward motion. If this occurs, switch to roulette and make larger bets. This will allow your arm to recover and will enable you to be much more efficient in the loss of your investments.
Doc
October 14, 2011
Was this really on Oprah.com’s Health Newsletter? I have to subscribe!
lifeintheboomerlane
October 14, 2011
I’m hoping there is a national movement to make me the official answer person for all future Oprah.com medical questions.
k8edid
October 14, 2011
LMAO (as if). Laughing a lot, anyway. Thanks for the chuckles.
lifeintheboomerlane
October 14, 2011
I’m glad you clarified. I told Mark that I’m always up for writing anything that causes people to lose body parts, but this isn’t actually true. I do prefer that people keep as many parts as possible for as long as they can.
k8edid
October 14, 2011
Could you be just funny enough that I could laugh away at least 1/2 of my ass, then?
lifeintheboomerlane
October 14, 2011
I only have 1/2 an ass (distributed among two cheeks). I used to think that because I had no butt, at least it wouldn’t fall as I aged. I was wrong.
Holly
October 14, 2011
I think you’re on to somthing here. If all really stupid, inane questions were answered like this, we might actually eradicate all really stupid, inane questions.
lifeintheboomerlane
October 14, 2011
Hey thanks for visiting Life in the Boomer Lane, Holly. Listen, I checked out your blog because of the catchy title. I’m a whore for catchy titles. Anyway, I see that you started blogging recently. Good for you! I wanted to subscribe, but I am stumped. Looks like I can be a fan but I don’t see a Subscribe option. I am frustrated that technology doesn’t seem to be a passing fad, as I had hoped. And, on another note, I need stupid, inane questions (and stupid, inane articles) to continue so I have something to write about. Otherwise, I will just have to talk about my upcoming hernia surgery.
Hansi
October 14, 2011
That was just frickin’ great 🙂
lifeintheboomerlane
October 14, 2011
Wow, I’m verklempt.
murr brewster
October 15, 2011
I want to know why all my body hair is falling out, and why it didn’t happen sooner.
lifeintheboomerlane
October 15, 2011
We suggest you check your body again. On most women, body hair doesn’t fall out. It merely relocates to one’s chin, upper lip, or nipples. Try counting all the individual hairs, and then contact us again in about five years.
My Inner Chick
October 15, 2011
Q: Are large or lopsided labia more prone to bacterial infections?
A: No, but do email us a photo of yours. Please
OMG, Hilareous. X
lifeintheboomerlane
October 15, 2011
Thanks. It’s so much fun to read questions and give stupid answers. I’d try to do it for a living but I’m not sure how the folks asking the questions would feel about it.
deliriouslydivine
October 15, 2011
Wonderful advice. I’m perplexed as to why someone would not that their labia(s) were not matched and have the temerity or stupidity to ask about it! I’d love to have that job, the things I could say… but probably not as wonderful as your answers.
lifeintheboomerlane
October 15, 2011
Wouldn’t that be a great job? I could do the same with political questions. Come to think of it, I could do stupid things with any kinds of questions. I seem to have a wealth of stupid in my head.
The Good Greatsby
October 16, 2011
I can’t believe your nerve to email me and ask for my ten most embarrassing health questions and then adapt it into a post where you mock all my concerns!
lifeintheboomerlane
October 16, 2011
It was the labia thing that made it a “go.”
Doc
October 16, 2011
I can’t find my labia.