My Night With Ashton

Posted on October 16, 2011

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The cover story of the October 24 issue of US Magazine is an interview titled “My Night With Ashton,” in which 22 year old Sara Leal claims she had sex with Ashton Kutcher (actor, celeb, camera monger) on the night of his sixth wedding anniversary to Demi Moore (actress, celeb)  The US reporter asks Leal some hard-hitting questions, mostly the kind one would ask someone who was still coming out of anesthesia.  Leal answers, mostly with the word “like.” 

Leal “met” Kutcher at a party in his San Diego Hard Rock Hotel room.  In describing the magical moment at the party that told her she was in for a night of True Love, Leal says “We kissed in the bathroom and he was like ‘You’re the only girl in there that I want.’” She didn’t elaborate whether the phrase “in there” referred to the people in the hotel room or in the shower stall.

Later, in Kutcher’s bedroom she said, “(Ashton) was rubbing my leg, and he asked my friend, ‘Would you be comfortable rubbing Sara’s leg? And she was, like, ‘Yes.’ Then he started asking us weird questions…My friend was like ‘That’s kind of private! And he was like ‘It’s a legitimate question.’ …I was like…”

According to Leal, they had sex twice, then lay in bed and became post-coital soul mates, as only people can who are completely drunk and whose combined IQs approximate the number of Republican Presidential hopefuls.  After covering horoscopes (“He’s an Aquarius too, so he talked about our traits”), religion (“I told him I was religious”), love (“I believe in love, but not really”) and politics (Rick Perry will be gratified to know that he was the only Republican hopeful mentioned)

Lest some might find a slight inconsistency in Leal’s profession of being religious and her hopping into the sack with a married man (albeit a hot rich celeb married man,) she explains that at the party, Kutcher said he was separated (He wasn’t).  The US reporter, having little respect for Leal’s anemic excuses, asked her if she found out later that Kutcher was, indeed, married.  Leal explained, “I saw pictures of him and Demi and I thought, Is that real? I just feel like it’s La La Land made up stuff…” But, just in case, she shut down her laptop.  (She was later heard to explain that her belief that the earth was flat was, in a similar fashion, tested , when she saw photos of a round earth online.  In that case, she also shut down her laptop.)

Leal admits to only one brief dark cloud that settled over the lovers’ heads.  This was when she and Kutcher wrestled over her phone (He won).  Kutcher checked her phone to see the text messages she had sent out regarding their whirlwind love.  “We were fighting for my phone…He just said flat-out “See, this is stuff I can’t have happen.’”

The US reporter asked Leal if Kutcher’s checking her cell phone wasn’t like locking the barn door after the horses ran out.  Leal pondered this question for several minutes, then responded:

“There were horses in the bedroom?  Wow, so that’s why I thought Ashton was like so good in the sack.”

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