Aging Safety Denied

Life in the Boomer Lane has been entirely too preoccupied with the daily Amazon truck arrival to notice much else going on around her. Then just a couple days ago, she saw something that catapulted her into action. It was a photo of the Trump master bathroom at Mar-a-Lago, showing an entire shitload of stacked boxes allegedly containing all manner of Triple T Top Secret files, found months after the FBI raid to retrieve such boxes.

LBL doesn’t care about the contents of the boxes, per se. She doesn’t even care that the MAGAverse has all of their collective panties in a group twist, bleating that the aforementioned raid was actually, in effect, an assassination attempt on Trump ordered by the Joe Biden Crime Family. She. Doesn’t. Care. But she does take very seriously the plight of seniors who allow themselves to be put at serious risk by being denied basic safety in their own homes.

LBL immediately began exhaustive research. This consisted of staring at the photo for as long as it took to bring her coffee mug up to her mouth. But these mere seconds were more than enough time to point out some of the most egregious failings of senior safety. She shares these with you now.

1. The boxes are stacked up in front of the shower, presumabley placed there by people other than Trump himself. She imagines that Mr T simply said to some younger, stronger human who had passed the required Loyalty Test, “Hide those boxes quick.” When asked where, he most likely replied, “How the fuck should I know? Use your brain. Make it someplace that anyone visiting my house would never go.” This left only the master bedroom, master bath and a locked hidden room off the bathroom with a sign in Magic Marker saying “Fan Mail.” The boxes were piled up without thought, thereby imposing a serious impediment for any senior hoping to enter the shower. LBL strongly believes that no senior should be denied personal hygiene, especially one who wears suits and ties while making speeches in really warm climates. Florida, long a haven for seniors, should know better. But alas, the state has recently declared that the rights of the unborn are more important than those of the born. Seniors, being about as far from unborn as it gets, are especially at risk.

2. Let’s talk about the toilet. LBL won’t even bother to note that it is ordinary white porcelain, a far cry from the ornate gold variety we have been led to believe Mr T prefers. LBL, not even remotely acquainted with the kind of money it takes to buy such fancy seating for derrières, noted that Mr T’s toilet looks exactly like hers. She couldn’t even see a bidet attached to his toilet, something that her toilet proudly sports (Amazon $19.98).

But this is of no importance, and LBL will toss this bit of Trump toilet trivia onto the pile currently occupied by the assassination attempt. Instead, she asks whether it is too much to expect that a senior not have to partake in normal elimiation activities while crushed up against a giant pile of boxes? And, should said senior lose control of his aim (an occurrance to which many seniors can sadly relate), the stack of cardboard boxes (as well as their contents) are potential prey to a steady spray of urine. This can’t be good, even in Florida, in which residents are used to alligators crawling out of toilets on a regular basis.

3. Looking at the boxes themselves, LBL has already previously declared them to be cardboard. Florida humidity, being the sort that it is, results in any number of examples of mold attaching itself to just about anything it can, including people’s brains.

4. Let’s look further at the boxes. Aside from one labeled “MAL Bedroom” (Loyal Readers are invited to give their opinion of what “MAL” might mean), none of the other boxes are labelled. This non-labelling of things is especially dangerious to seniors. Seniors are known to have carried any number of mystery boxes from one residence to another, throughout the decades. These mystery boxes are never opened, creating a huge pain in the butt for surviving children and grandchildren. Should the Trump boxes actually contain Triple T Top Secret files as suspected, future investigators will have to spend a lot of time peeling urine-soaked papers apart, in an attempt to learn just how at risk our government could have been. There exist far surperior ways to store secret documents. (32 qt plastic storage bins with locking lids, set of 4, Amazon $59.97)

5. Absense of Ventilation. The photo shows an extremely large, ornate chandelier, hanging from the ceiling. Ergo, it can be safely implied that there is no fan, neither rotating nor exhaust. The sole window pictured is high up on the wall. LBL will not spend time talking about what a lack of bathroom ventilation can result in. She will simply note that it is not good.

6. Limited towels. The photo shows only three small hand towels on the sink. Without access to a shower, said senior is limited to washing whatever body parts he can in the sink, then using one of the small towels to dry off. LBL seriously doesn’t want to think about this.

LBL could go on and on, but she has thoroughly depressed herself. Elder abuse is no laughing matter.