Thanks to AARP, I have been alerted to a new trend in man’s ongoing quest for perfection: elf ears. AARP states that “Body modification artists cut the tops of young people’s ears and sew them back together in a pointed shape.” The segment is titled, “Ah, Youth! Sometimes we don’t miss it.” I don’t know about you, but if I were to make a list of all the things I don’t miss about youth, elf ears wouldn’t even make the top 20.
Before we explore exactly what elf ears mean for the advancement of civilization, let’s first look at why AARP is writing about young people anyway. Aren’t there enough topics for old people that they can be writing about? How about urinary incontinence, and Betty White? Or why you can’t get the Baconalia Maple Bacon Sundae on the Denny’s Seniors Menu? Why do we have to spend what little time we have left on the planet thinking about the stupid idiotic strange things that young people do?
Back to elf ears: This isn’t as crazy as one might think. It’s crazier. Without even consulting with a representative sample of pointy-eared people, I will tell you that no matter what romantic notions they have told themselves about looking like Dr Spock or a character from Lord of the Rings,they still come out looking like the Taco Bell dog.
But let’s say your ears are still twitching with thoughts of the procedure. Your next step is to find a “body modification artist” to do it. Someone like Dr Lajos Nagy. Dr. Nagy can do more than provide you with elf ears. He can give you a reason why your new pointed ears aren’t just for cosmetic reasons but will also help your hearing. Here’s what he says:
“… pointed ears focus sounds in a better way, which, in the case of animals, is supplemented by the fact that they can orientate themselves towards the source of sounds without turning their heads, by moving only their ears.”
And, for an extra sum of money, Dr Nagy can turn your hands into paws and attach a tail to your butt.
In sum, I think elf ears should be left to elves. If they weren’t so damn distracted by trying to make cookies in trees, they would be out marching for kitchen rights or something. And I don’t care about elf ears anymore, anyway. I’m now obsessed with bacon.
Lisa
April 19, 2011
😀 I think the elf ears makes his nose look big! A vicious circle begins alternating between nose shortening and ear pointing, so eventually he will have bat ears and a pug dog face (no insult to pus, they are cuter).
lifeintheboomerlane
April 19, 2011
I don’t even want to think about that.
writerwoman61
April 19, 2011
Oh my…I had no idea, Renée…kids today [shaking head]…I just wanted Farrah Fawcett hair when I was young!
Right now, I’m kinda wishing an elf would bring me one of those sundaes…mmm…bacon…
Wendy
lifeintheboomerlane
April 19, 2011
Bacon is superior to elf ears any day of the week.
Amanda Hoving
April 19, 2011
I’m seeing a return of little green jackets and small pointy shoes in this spring’s fashion collections. It all makes sense now.
lifeintheboomerlane
April 19, 2011
Oh, funny. Now you know. Maybe short people (me! me!) will come back in style as well.
Lisa
April 19, 2011
I didn’t know we were out of style. Or maybe my shortness has simply never been in style (5 ft and shrinking, woo hoo!)
Kathryn McCullough
April 19, 2011
And I though I was crazy! Good God, Renee, thanks for the alert!
Kathy
lifeintheboomerlane
April 19, 2011
I like to perform public services for people. Hey, there’s crazy. And there’s CRAZY.
KLZ
April 19, 2011
Well it IS rather helpful if you’re planning to cobble shoes in the middle of the night. You need to hear people coming so you don’t get arrested for breaking and entering.
lifeintheboomerlane
April 19, 2011
I hadn’t thought of that. Also, when these people have kids, they will be a hit at their children’s Christmas parties.
Amy
April 19, 2011
I saw something about this on tv the other night. As crazy as this is, I think I almost prefer it to those lobe-stretching “earrings” that make your ears look like calamari. Or, how about the implants that people get inserted under their skin to make it look like they have horns? Or, scarification?
Yeah, people do some crazy things to their bodies. At least elf ears are kinda cute.
lifeintheboomerlane
April 19, 2011
You are right. Compared to those other things, elf ears are cute. Plus there’s more room for earrings.
pearlsandprose
April 19, 2011
Well, he can always model for Keebler cookies, I guess.
lifeintheboomerlane
April 19, 2011
Or Taco Bell.
Elly Lou
April 19, 2011
Dude! You totally called it with the chihuahua. Yo quiero douches to not have access to plastic surgery. Well, then again it makes them easier to spot. I changed my mind. Carry on, douches! Also, please wear a bell around your neck so I can hear you coming.
lifeintheboomerlane
April 19, 2011
Right. And this totally gives chihuahuas a bad name.
Tori Nelson
April 19, 2011
Ickkkkk. I rather not hear at all…ever.
lifeintheboomerlane
April 19, 2011
So you don’t like my public service posts? Well then.
Debbie
April 19, 2011
I’ve heard about this, but thankfully, have never actually seen it! I’m thinking the “tail attached to your butt” thing might be kind of interesting, though. Then, everybody would know when somebody is happy, especially those somebodies with stoic faces!
lifeintheboomerlane
April 20, 2011
It would certainly make people people up in bars a lot easier.
planejaner
April 19, 2011
Good heavens–what a bunchofmorons!
seriously…like…they can’t give some money to the HOMELESS or go volunteer at the food bank or mow their elderly neighbor’s yard…
instead…they’re going to get their stupid-ass ears all pointy?
I will check the ears of anyone my children date–thanks for the timely warning, Renee. 🙂
ick.
selfish ick.
jane
lifeintheboomerlane
April 20, 2011
Yes, yes, yes.
Simone Benedict
April 19, 2011
Umm…bacon, YUM! Ear modification surgery, no thanks.
lifeintheboomerlane
April 20, 2011
Ditto.
TheIdiotSpeaketh
April 19, 2011
It would be cool if Dr. Nagy could give me a tail….it would give me something to chase during the day…. 🙂
pegoleg
April 19, 2011
You have one. When you, Jason Alexander, were in the movie “Shallow Hal”, your character had a little tail. Get to chasin!
lifeintheboomerlane
April 20, 2011
I’m going to chase bacon.
pegoleg
April 22, 2011
Much more refined than makin’ bacon.
Lunar Euphoria
April 20, 2011
Honestly, I kinda like the pointy ears.
The bacon on ice cream…not so much.
lifeintheboomerlane
April 20, 2011
Actually I get queasy over the thought of either.
carldagostino
April 20, 2011
Nagy sounds like a plastic sturgeon
lifeintheboomerlane
April 20, 2011
So funny. Isn’t that a very slippery fish?
Tom G.
April 20, 2011
I’m sorry. It was a wonderful post, but once I read that Denny’s has a Maple Bacon Sundae my mind just went totally blank.
Maple.
Bacon.
Ice Cream.
Is this a wonderful world we live in, or what?
lifeintheboomerlane
April 20, 2011
I think the Maple Bacon Sundae should replace the eagle as our national symbol. Hey, thanks for visiting Life in the Boomer Lane!
Emily Jane
April 20, 2011
LOL!! I am a fan of elf ears… the detachable kind I only get out for Comic Con. Have you seen the documentary on the cat-man?
lifeintheboomerlane
April 20, 2011
No. I saw one on Cat Woman who has had like 20 or 50 cosmetic curgeries so she can look like a cat. No tail yet. Who is Cat Man?
Lisa
April 20, 2011
A friend of mine just posted this on Facebook, and I couldn’t resist sharing it with you. http://www.instructables.com/id/Bacon-Roses/
omawarisan
April 21, 2011
Ok, showing my generational thought here but…
Will elf ears ever help in a job interview?
Lisa
April 21, 2011
I suppose, if they are interviewing to be Santa’s helpers. 🙂
lifeintheboomerlane
April 21, 2011
or an earring model.
Hot damn, Charlotte Ann!
April 22, 2011
I think that it’s great that people can surgically wear their dysfunction so that I can see ’em coming.
lifeintheboomerlane
April 22, 2011
Thanks for visiting Life in the Boomer Lane, Charlotte Ann! Yes, it’s a great public service.
territerri
April 25, 2011
Crazy! Why would I want to hear better anyway? Then I’d only have to actually hear what my husband says to me all the time. I find we get along much better when I have no idea what he’s actually saying. It works for us. Ain’t gonna fix it if it ain’t broke.
lifeintheboomerlane
April 25, 2011
There’s a Gary Larson cartoon where the wife says to the husband “I’m sorry, dear, can you please repeat everything you’ve said since we’ve been married?”