I’ll Have Two Elf Ears and a Side of Bacon

Posted on April 19, 2011

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Thanks to AARP, I have been alerted to a new trend in man’s ongoing quest for perfection: elf ears.  AARP states that “Body modification artists cut the tops of young people’s ears and sew them back together in a pointed shape.”  The  segment is titled, “Ah, Youth!  Sometimes we don’t miss it.”  I don’t know about you, but if I were to make a list of all the things I don’t miss about youth, elf ears wouldn’t even make the top 20. 

Before we explore exactly what elf ears mean for the advancement of civilization, let’s first look at why AARP is writing about young people anyway.  Aren’t there enough topics for old people that they can be writing about?  How about urinary incontinence, and Betty White?  Or why you can’t get the Baconalia Maple Bacon Sundae on the Denny’s Seniors Menu?  Why do we have to spend what little time we have left on the planet thinking about the stupid idiotic strange things that young people do?  

Back to elf ears:  This isn’t as crazy as one might think.  It’s crazier.  Without even consulting with a representative sample of pointy-eared people, I will tell you that no matter what romantic notions they have told themselves about looking like Dr Spock or a character from Lord of the Rings,they still come out looking like the Taco Bell dog.

 But let’s say your ears are still twitching with thoughts of the procedure.  Your next step is to find a “body modification artist” to do it.  Someone like Dr Lajos Nagy. Dr. Nagy can do more than provide you with elf ears. He can give you a reason why your new pointed ears aren’t just for cosmetic reasons but will also help your hearing. Here’s what he says:

“… pointed ears focus sounds in a better way, which, in the case of animals, is supplemented by the fact that they can orientate themselves towards the source of sounds without turning their heads, by moving only their ears.”

And, for an extra sum of money, Dr Nagy can turn your hands into paws and attach a tail to your butt.

In sum, I think elf ears should be left to elves.  If they weren’t so damn distracted by trying to make cookies in trees, they would be out marching for kitchen rights or something.  And I don’t care about elf ears anymore, anyway.   I’m now obsessed with bacon.

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