Some years ago, my next door neighbor, one of the many attorneys who outnumber real people in the DC area, casually informed me that there was a contract out on his life and that, because I still had a child at home, I should be on the lookout for anything of a suspicious nature on the street. This might include a driver pointing a handgun out the window.
I’ll admit I was too busy being convinced that guns were then being pointed at me from all directions to follow the exact details of the situation he outlined. But I did grasp that the attorney had been designated Guardian ad Litem for the children of a drug dealer and his attempting-to-get custody estranged wife. The drug dealer, at that time incarcerated for doing nothing more than fulfilling his professional duties, then hired the services of a hit man to off his estranged wife, the judge, and the Guardian ad Litem.
Because no one exhibiting any suspicious activity was seen by me, and because I like to spend my time being busy thinking about things that won’t kill me, I tend to easily forget anything vaguely threatening or unpleasant. Life went on.
Some months later, I was called up for jury duty, my first ever. After sitting in a packed room all day and hearing the details of the case (I didn’t really listen, as I was too busy being annoyed that I had been called at all), we were told that 30 of us would be chosen to go into the courtroom and sit in the jury box. Of those, 12 would be designated as the jury. I was one of the 30.
In the courtroom, we were escorted into the jury box. A large board was held up with names. We were told that if we knew anyone on the list, we should speak up and we would then be dismissed. I was too busy thinking about all the things I should have been doing, instead. Several people were dismissed. The pre-trial continued. Something started to permeate my out-of-courtroom thoughts. Murder-for-hire, blah blah blah, child custody fight blah blah blah, drug dealer currently being incarcerated blah blah blah. Things were started to sound awfully familiar, but I couldn’t place exactly why. Then I looked again at the big board of names in front of my face. Lo and behold, there was my next door neighbor’s name, big as life.
I panicked. Clearly, I shouldn’t be there, but the time was up for being dismissed. I had no idea what to do, other than to call upon the only courtroom phrase I could remember from TV dramas. “Permission to approach the bench!” I yelled out. The room got deathly quiet. I didn’t speak again. “Members of the jury, have you reached a verdict?” was the only other thing I could remember from TV, and I suspected that wasn’t appropriate at that moment.
Finally, the judge pointed to me and motioned me forward. I came up and got about one half sentence into what I was sure would be my ticket out of judicial hell, when he held up his hand to stop me. “Don’t say another word,” he said. He motioned toward the prosecuting attorney, who came forward. Then he motioned to the defense attorney, who also came up, bringing with him THE DEFENDANT. Who stood RIGHT NEAR ME. Who had recently PAID to have someone MURDER THREE PEOPLE.
“Now speak,” the judge said. I considered how I might be able to tell my story without making the would-be killer angry at me. Could I say that yes, I lived next door to the Guardian ad Litem but I didn’t really like him all that much and the whole murder-for-hire thing sounded sketchy anyway and the defendant really did look like a great guy and anyway, I was in the midst of packing to move about 10,000 miles out of the country and I would probably never come back to the US again?
Instead I told the truth. The judge told me to take my seat in the jury box again. The pre-trial continued. Twenty minutes went by. Mentally, I wrote my will and regretted never having slept with Steve Jacobs back in 1967. Then I heard my name. The judge announced that I was dismissed. I slunk out.
The trial was big news. The defendant was convicted. My neighbor went on with his life, and I went on with mine. I haven’t been called to jury duty again, but I have now memorized a lot of useful lines from TV dramas. Just in case.
Kathryn McCullough
October 12, 2011
How funny, Renee. An easy and handy-dandy court room phrase might be simply, “I object.”
Kathy
lifeintheboomerlane
October 12, 2011
Gotta write that down in my “If Called for Jury Duty Again” notebook.
k8edid
October 12, 2011
I like how you were preoccupied with other thoughts through all the preliminaries…sounds like something I would do. I’ve served on 3 juries (none very exciting).
I object…if it please the court…
There must be some more good ones. I’ll watch some Law & Order or Harry’s Law and take notes.
lifeintheboomerlane
October 12, 2011
Hey thanks. I am so seriously out of it that I looked at the list of names the first time and didn’t recognize my next door neighbor. Now, I ask you: Am I the kind of person one would want on a jury?
k8edid
October 12, 2011
Only if I am the defendant…
Judith
October 12, 2011
Oh Renee, how exciting. I was called up for jury duty twice but each time was excused. On the first occasion my boss wrote me a letter saying that I couldn’t be spared for a long rial and secondly because I ran my own business and at the time there was only me.
My late husband did sit on a jury for a particularly messy case of incest and abuse and was very when he came home each night. We were both pleased when the case was over and the guilty people punished.
lifeintheboomerlane
October 12, 2011
I would think that sitting through a trial involving abuse would be terrible.
TheIdiotSpeaketh
October 12, 2011
Too funny 🙂 The one and only time I have ever been called in my life….the defendant was my landlord….. I got tossed out in about 30 seconds…. 🙂
lifeintheboomerlane
October 12, 2011
Ooooh, had you known he was a felon when you rented from him? There’s a post in all that, I’m sure.
dramaqueen1913
October 12, 2011
Wow…and the only exciting thing that happened to me was the defendant “suddenly” deciding he was guilty AFTER making us wait through lunch. Wonder if he hadn’t if I’d been able to recuse myself because I used to be neighbors with the judge….
lifeintheboomerlane
October 12, 2011
Hey, thanks for visiting Life in the Boomer Lane, DK. Yes, now that I am a self-proclaimed expert in jury shenanigans, I can say that being neighbors with the judge would have gotten you off. Anytime you have another legal question, just ask.
Lisa (Woman Wielding Words)
October 12, 2011
So funny, Renee. Kind of exciting. But, I’m glad you all got away with limbs attached.
lifeintheboomerlane
October 12, 2011
Yes, just barely.
omawarisan
October 12, 2011
I think you handled this very well. The only other thing to do would be to look at your neighbor and yell out “don’t worry Mike, I’ve got this handled for you.”
lifeintheboomerlane
October 12, 2011
Hilarious, except methinks that would have had the accused rush out to the lobby to call the hit man to add a 4th target to the list.
nrhatch
October 12, 2011
Here you go:
If it please the court, I must be excused . . . I have knowledge of the case that might prevent me from being impartial. 😉
lifeintheboomerlane
October 12, 2011
You are a courtroom whiz. Or how about “Sorry, I have no idea where I am at the moment. I was just looking for the rest room.”
pegoleg
October 12, 2011
I was eager to fulfill my civic duty when I was called to serve on a jury. When they asked if I knew the defendent, I truthfully said “No, unless you count the times she did assume the shape of a foul crow, and did fly o’er my fields, turning the crops to ash and befouling the very milk wi’theen the cow.”
I was dismissed.
lifeintheboomerlane
October 12, 2011
I could seriously believe you did that. You rock.
pegoleg
October 12, 2011
Your picture brought it all back to me.
Coming East
October 12, 2011
Too funny, but it made my heart race when I saw the pickle you were in. Renee, you need to take all these facts and manipulate them into a terrific crime thriller. How can you not make something out of this!
lifeintheboomerlane
October 13, 2011
I’d be afraid Mr Gun For Hire would read it and come back for me!
chlost
October 13, 2011
I’ve been a Guardian ad Litem (GAL) and a defense attorney. Never seen a juror ask to approach the bench. Would’ve been fun. So far, no direct death threats, at least not any credible ones. I get more concerned for my family.
lifeintheboomerlane
October 13, 2011
Well, I’m gratified to hear that I did something that was out-of-the-ordinary! And hopefully, your GAL experiences will continue to be without incident.
dragonfae
October 13, 2011
Yikes Renee … I think I’d have passed out! I’m currently doing the jury duty thing. A bunch of us got put on a panel today, but since they couldn’t get a full 60 prospective jurors today, we all have to go back tomorrow to start the selection process (after they find some more potential people).
lifeintheboomerlane
October 13, 2011
Oh no. Hope it doesn’t drag on. I read somewhere that most prospective jurors always end up being eliminated for one reason or another.
Deborah the Closet Monster
October 14, 2011
😀
I’ve been called for jury duty twice. The first time? A month after I moved to South Korea. The second time? A month after I moved to Japan.
I was not ordered to fly back home to possibly be selected for jury duty.
I did have to testify in court when I was younger, though. I remember being coached to come across as heartbroken and weak, the better to garner sympathy. But I was maybe a dozen feet from a very evil man, and all I felt was a very overwhelming desire to jump out of the witness box and pummel him in the face.
Surprising the jurors then found me unsympathetic, eh?!
lifeintheboomerlane
October 14, 2011
Ugh. That doesn’t sound good. Have you written about the experience?
Deborah the Closet Monster
October 14, 2011
I keep meaning to ask the person on whose behalf I testified if I might write about the experience of testifying without reference to the specific facts. This is a good reminder!
I had no idea how deeply the experience had scarred me until I walked into my mock trial at the end of first year of law school and found myself shaking. I kept on a brave front all through the trial (in both senses of that word) itself, but went and wept for an hour in a darkened side room after the volunteer jurors were done praising me post-trial.
After I left the law school that afternoon, I remember walking through the sunlit quad and feeling utterly, absolutely unstoppable. That’s been a profound lesson to me ever since: the things that feel the shittiest to get through are the ones that make us understand just how strong we really are. It’s what I always think of when I ask folks to speak their mind even if their voice shakes. Fear is just a feeling; “self” a tangible, concrete, limitless force to be reckoned with, when we embrace and act on that fact.
lifeintheboomerlane
October 14, 2011
There’s a lot of value, there, especially the journey since. Write.
Deborah the Closet Monster
October 14, 2011
I got the go-ahead to write about the experience of testifying without the specific case details, so that’s what I’ll be doing. Thank you so much for the prompt.
Deborah the Closet Monster
July 14, 2012
Renee, my sister just ended up writing a powerful, gorgeous piece related to the one you encouraged me to write. I suspect you will find it moving; a day after reading it, I’m still awed and uplifted.
On Darkness, Negativity, and Other Broken Things