Iris Krasnow’s new book, “The Secret Lives of Wives: Women Share What It Really Takes To Stay Married,” has hit the stands. And, unlike this writer, the stands are sitting down to read it.
Krasnow estimates that about 70% of married women have considered leaving their spouses once a month, if not every six months.” These episodes have usually coincided with trash night, any sports playoffs, visits from a husband’s unemployed college buddy, and finding pubic hair in the bathroom sink.
According to Macleans, “Krasnow spoke with more than 200 women, married between 15 and 70 years, who report taking separate holidays, embarking on new careers, establishing a tight circle of female friends, dabbling in Same Time, Next Year-style liaisons and adulterous affairs, and having “boyfriends with boundaries.” Yoga and white wine also feature predominately.”
Krasnow dishes her secrets to staying happily married:
1. Make out with old boyfriends Krasnow insists she isn’t condoning adultery, unless it just sort of happens and turns out to be a whole lot of fun
2. Go on separate vacations Krasnow hasn’t vacationed with her husband in eight years. They are usually several states (geographically) apart.
3. Get yourself a platonic boyfriend (When asked if they would consider a platonic relationship with a married woman, 80% of all men asked said they would, as long as they could f—k her also.)
4. Lower those expectations Krasnow tells The NY Post about a particularly fraught time in her own marriage when she was homebound with four young children. She was ready to walk out herself when a friend advised her, “Oh, Iris, just lower your expectations.” That advice, she said, saved her marriage. (Stating it in print, not so much.)
5. Choose Mr Predictable (One wonders if Angelina feels that way about Brad)
6. Keep secrets from your spouse According to Krasnow, a secret is different from a lie. (Yes, it is. The lie is a secret that someone has asked you about.)
An example in the book is Cynthia, a 68-year-old woman in a 45-year “committed marriage,” who goes out to lunch every other month with her college boyfriend, who is also married and has no intention of leaving his wife. Usually their outings end in a hot and heavy “petting session” in his Mercedes. Sometimes, he rubs Jean Naté lotion, the scent Cynthia wore in college, onto her legs and compliments her beautiful feet. Cynthia says they’ve never consummated their relationship, nor do they intend to. She describes her time with her non-consummated lover as a “balloon lift off.”
The 58-year-old Krasnow, an author and journalism professor at American University, writes she was “stunned by the secrets and shenanigans” in her journey through American marriages. She, herself, admits to occasionally “loathing” her husband of 23 years. She credits her marital stability with summers spent apart, separate hobbies and her “close relationships” with male buddies.
Krasnow’s husband, when asked how his wife has changed since becaming a bestselling author, replied, “Well, I’ve never really seen that much of her anyway, during our marriage. In fact, I have only seen her once since around July 15 of last year. I’m thinking she really hasn’t changed at all, except I swear the last time I saw her, she was smelling a lot like Jean Nate.”
Life in the Boomer Lane 
notquiteold
October 7, 2011
That’s kind of sad. I have not desire to cheat on my husband of 20 years…especially with any of the assholes I dated before. I do, however, understand the concept of lowering your expectations.
lifeintheboomerlane
October 8, 2011
I heard Krasnow on Today, and, of course, she meant not depending on another person to fullfill us or make us happy. But methinks a lot of women would interpret the statement literally.
nrhatch
October 7, 2011
I love the way you write! Pubic hair in the bathroom sink is a big no-no in our house. 😀
lifeintheboomerlane
October 7, 2011
Hey, thanks. My lips are sealed as to how I came up with that.
k8edid
October 8, 2011
I am intrigued by “secrets and shenanigans”. I haven’t the energy (nor desire) for an adulterous affair nor the allegedly platonic relationship (defined as only a male could define it).
Secret for staying married – 2 words. Jello Shots.
lifeintheboomerlane
October 8, 2011
I’m snorting (with laughter).
My Inner Chick
October 8, 2011
—Why get married?.
This is bullshit….Although, I do think of leaving Mr. Liverpool a few times a month when he drives me insane!!!
Interesting, but not realistic. X
lifeintheboomerlane
October 9, 2011
It would be mighty interesting to see what’s inside women’s heads at times like that.
mzem
October 8, 2011
Well, I have been with my guy for 18.5 years. We have been married for 3.5 years of those 18.5 years. I am still madly in love with him. I do like having guy pals and my guy has his gal pals who happen to be my gal pals too. Since neither of us work, we are together 24-7. I have to say some days I do wish he did have a day job. However, I wouldn’t trade him in for anything or anyone.
lifeintheboomerlane
October 9, 2011
NHD is retired and I work from home. I can relate!
The Good Greatsby
October 8, 2011
‘Lower your expectations’ is the advice I give not only to my wife, but to just about every person I meet. Whenever someone expresses disappointment in me, I like to remind them that I did try and warn them not to take me too seriously.
lifeintheboomerlane
October 9, 2011
I am seriously going to try that. In fact, I will say it before I introduce myself, since chances are 100% that I will have forgotten the other person’s name even as the name is spilling from their lips. So they can’t be offended when, if I ever see them again, they say “Hey, Renee!” and I say “I have no idea who you are!” This has happened to me more times than you can imagine. It’s really bad when it’s one of my close friends or clients.
The Good Greatsby
October 10, 2011
I use to be good with names but I also find I’m forgetting the names the second they are given. All I hear is the voice of Charlie Brown’s teacher. I feel people should make an effort to get more interesting names if they want me to remember them.
lifeintheboomerlane
October 10, 2011
Honestly, you could write a book about how to navigate the world. It would speak to me. I would buy it. I would even pay with a credit card that worked.
Walker
October 8, 2011
Secrets on how to stay happily married? Given your synopsis it sounds far from happy-it sounds a bit shabby and sleazy. She does those of us who are happily married a huge disservice. And, those of us contemplating divorce might think we can just find a lover and put up with the situation. Ugh.
My solution was to get a divorce- to acknowledge that I deserved happiness, or at least the absence of miserable-ness. And switch from white wine to good bourbon on the rocks!
lifeintheboomerlane
October 9, 2011
A friend of mine who is going through a terrible time after leaving her spouse, said “Had I known all this, I would have just shut my mouth, smiled and continued on.” (That included having an affair) I said, “You couldn’t have done that.” The toll it was taking on her was too great.
Kathryn McCullough
October 8, 2011
Hysterical and sad all at once.
How does this all work for lesbians, I wonder?
Kathy
lifeintheboomerlane
October 9, 2011
As two close friends of mine discovered when, after marriage, they entered long term relationships with women, all people are the same, all issues translate across gender boundaries. One thought, “Gosh, you mean I have to work at this one also?”
Yvonne Willis Crook
October 8, 2011
It is a sad day indeed when this bullish-t is pedaled to the next generation as a solution or formula for a successful marriage. I tend to think this attitude will KILL the institution (or holy union, which ever you prefer to call it) all together, being that the statistics sit at over 50% of marriages ending in divorce. Consider this quote, my thought for the day–“what we obtain cheaply, we esteem lightly.”–Thomas Payne
lifeintheboomerlane
October 9, 2011
I think the institution of marriage has some challenges now that prior generations never had before: We live in an instant gratification world, we are living longer and longer, and we have become much more aware of the notion of personal happiness and fulfullment. A couple generations ago, happiness was something that was a relatively minor consideration in life. People married for economic stability and to raise families. If they fell out of love, they didn’t spend much time thinking about how unhappy they were as a result. Life simply went on.
K.L.Richardson
October 8, 2011
Those little ‘lift-off” experiences can become a full-blown affair very quickly. Sometimes seeing so much smoke brings the desire for a fire.
lifeintheboomerlane
October 9, 2011
How well I know that.
Elly Lou
October 8, 2011
I think it’s so cute when you curse. Let’s go “parking” in my Mercedes. Note to self: get a Mercedes.
lifeintheboomerlane
October 9, 2011
This is so funny. In my real life, I use the words fuck and shit liberally. I try not to do it around children or small dogs, but otherwise everything is fair game. But when I write, I notice that I have some kind of Miss Manners editor take over my brain. I even do that when I email. I’ll write f–k instead of the word. What’s with that? Do I need a support group? Or just a session in your Mercedes?
nrhatch
October 8, 2011
You might be interested in this more spiritual take on space between husbands and wives and life partners:
http://dancewithtruth.wordpress.com/2011/10/08/healthy-space-between-couples/
lifeintheboomerlane
October 9, 2011
I just read that, and yes, it makes a lot of sense.
Deborah the Closet Monster
October 9, 2011
This is another one of those books/news stories/etc. that I categorize as “I’d Rather Get It Secondhand through LitBL.” It helps with the *smiling* instead of *headdesking* factor. A lot!
lifeintheboomerlane
October 9, 2011
I feel sort of guily (but not guilty enough to have not written the post) to be making fun of a book I never read. But, after hearing Krasnow on the Today show, I feel pretty certain that the book would bore me.
Carl D'Agostino
October 9, 2011
I think we are all bound to express regret and a sense of unpleasant mandatory attachment to a spouse for example. That’s because we allow ourselves to define ourselves in relation to people or responsibilities. I am husband, I am sister, I am parent, I am employee- are identities contingent on the presence of others. I suppose we are part of things but to allow ourselves to be owned by them prohibits our personal identity and growth or self actualization and that is a source of the milieu you describe.
lifeintheboomerlane
October 9, 2011
Absolutely. I remember many years ago listening to a minister on the radio saying that, while he loved his wife of many years, he didn’t need her. I thought, “You pompous asshole.” It took me years to see how profound that statement was.
Karen
October 10, 2011
I’ve never been married but I can think about all of the times I think about leaving my job. I often think of things I’d love to say to colleagues that would leave them no choice but for them to usher me out the front door. Therefore, 70% of women thinking about leaving their spouse once a month, if not every 6 months, to me is not shocking. I think that Iris is just presenting another point of view. Marriage is not the hollywood script we want to believe it to be or what people often try to project. Also, of course, she has to present something that is somewhat shocking that would cause people to blush in order to get attention for the book. I’m definitely willing to go to the book store and spend a few minutes leafing through her book.
lifeintheboomerlane
October 10, 2011
Thanks for visiting Life in the Boomer Lane, Karen, and for your comments. Yes, I agree. The only thing that surprises me is the high percentage of women she found who have relationships (along the entire spectrum of what consitutes “sexual”) of those she interviewed. Or maybe she was specifically looking for that.
Tori Nelson
October 10, 2011
Sent a link to The Dude, just so he knows what he’s in for. He said “Cool, just don’t get knocked up”. I think this marriage thing is gonna work out just fine 🙂
lifeintheboomerlane
October 10, 2011
You and The Dude are a match made in heaven. Or the amusement park. Or the dollar store. I’m not sure which. Maybe a combo of the three.
pegoleg
October 10, 2011
I’ve considered leaving just about every facet of my life, usually on a daily basis. It’s what you choose to do when you decide to stay that really defines life.
I’m probably like every woman looking at your picture and thinking “I want some of that!” Where do I get those shoes?
lifeintheboomerlane
October 10, 2011
Seriously. And seriously.
thepilgrimsfancy
October 11, 2011
LOL – I wish my wife would have left sooner. After putting in 80 hour work weeks, taking care of both kids and having all my friends run off she still managed to make me feel bad about not spending “enough” time with the family.
However, I totally get not relying on others to complete us or to make us happy. The two greatest loves in my life were also my best femail friends. Knowing that someone doesn’t judge you, accepts you, can see you at your worst and still loves you is what we all are looking for. Too bad we get caught up in all that other stuff.
lifeintheboomerlane
October 11, 2011
Thanks for visiting Life in the Boomer Lane. And yes, too bad when we let anything at all become more important than unconditional love. I long ago threw out the notion of marriage being a 50/50 proposition. It has to be100/100. Nothing less.
ifiwerebraveblog
October 11, 2011
I love the bit about the platonic boyfriend. Hilarious!
lifeintheboomerlane
October 11, 2011
Thanks!
The Simple Life of a Country Man's Wife
October 14, 2011
I honestly think so many women have this Princess Mentality (I deserve everything and he must be perfect and never ever fail!!, etc.). But like me, my husband is not perfect. And like most people in this world, we just want to be loved and seen. Tips to “make out with old b/f’s” aggravate the crap outta me. So selfish and inconsiderate of a fellow human being.
Thank you for listening.
The Simple Life of a Country Man's Wife
October 14, 2011
I am looking at my copy of Iris Krasnow’s book “I am my mother’s daughter” right now… wow, just noticed that. Will check into the link.
lifeintheboomerlane
October 14, 2011
I do agree about the Princess Mentality. Marriage used to be an economic partnership that produced a family. Now, people are more concerned with being happy and fulfilled. Re Krasnow’s book: I think there are probably some good thoughts in there, but the title, alone, tells me that this book was meant to be provacative and to sell.
Joe
October 14, 2011
Those that don’t understand, don’t understand. There are many of us that do, and so many things in this book make perfect sense when we actually get honest with ourselves.
Lunar Euphoria
October 23, 2011
I completely agree with #2.
Lauren
September 13, 2012
As I read I. Krasnokov’s husband’s comments “I haven’t seen her much since July 15 last year and last time i saw her, I swear she smelled of Jean Nate”…etc. I wondered….is this tongue in cheek or what?
Life in the Boomer Lane
September 13, 2012
I’ll admit to exercising artistic license and making up that quote!
Lauren
September 13, 2012
Good! That comment gave me pause for concern. Glad it was just tongue in cheek……artistic licence. Love your books. I purchased the hard copy of Secret Lives of Wives, as I couldn’t wait for the paper back! All the best to you!