When Life in he Boomer Lane and her friends decided to write a book about women over 50, LBL asked a lot of women her age what sucked about getting older. She expected to hear the sagging/bagging/dragging thing or maybe the memory thing or maybe even the empty nest thing. She didn’t hear any of that. What she heard over and over was “I feel invisible.” Well, you could have knocked LBL over with a pair of sensible shoes.
LBL could relate to these women. She remembers certain events in her life vividly: Her first kiss. The day John F Kennedy was shot. “Going all the way.” Her college graduation. Her first wedding. The births of her three children. The day she became invisible. Her second wedding. The day her grandson was born.
Whoops, back up. LBL remembers the day, no, the moment, when she became invisible. Walking down the aisle at Safeway. Man coming toward her. Man passing. Her brain registering He never saw me. She doesn’t mean he didn’t oogle her. She means HE DIDN’T SEE HER. LBL wasn’t composed of molecules that took up any space in his world. Had someone asked him if he had passed anyone in the aisle, he would have said “No.”
It was a real turning point for her. She never had to think about her visibility before. It was just sort of there. But from that day on, she didn’t take visibility as a given. She made sure she looked people in the eye and smiled when she passed them. She spoke up when sales people started to deal with other customers when she had been there first. She no longer allowed people to cut in front of her in line or to take a parking space she had been waiting for. And she got rid of all the long baggy jumpers she had been wearing, just because they were so comfortable. In other words, she began to think about how she was going to be visible in the world. The result was incredibly energizing.
The conclusion she came to was that being visible had little to do with youth or sex appeal. It came from a feeling of empowerment, and from a belief that she should be noticed. There’s a commercial on TV now that shows a woman all dressed up, coming down the stairs. The voiceover says “It’s (whatever the product is) the difference between ‘I’m here’ and ‘Here I am.’” That pretty much sums it up for LBL.
All this is not to say that there aren’t times that she chooses to be invisible, to fly under the radar. Sometimes, under the right circumstances, that can be liberating and/or comforting. And, at other times, it allows her to get away with things, like standing in line at the checkout, eating the nuts that haven’t been weighed yet (Now Husband hates when I do that.) Visible. Invisible. She simply wants the choice.
Note to Safeway Guy: If they ever share the same aisle again, LBL bets you’ll notice her.
Life in the Boomer Lane 
Kathryn McCullough
December 19, 2010
Fascinating! Love the distinction between “I’m here” and “Here I am.” Really great post–well done!
Kathy
lifeintheboomerlane
December 19, 2010
Thanks, Kathy. I wish more women would write about this, since we do talk about it.
carldagostino
December 19, 2010
The ways we wished to been seen, apprehended, admired and even validated in our youth seem quite trivial and foolish now. I spent two hours with my 3 grandchildren last night and we really did see each other. We see each other in such more depth in the writing via the sharing of our blogs and not in the vacuous sense of the “Hollywood” values embraced by today’s youth and even more ashamedly our own.
lifeintheboomerlane
December 19, 2010
Another good point. But I think few of us Real Folks ever experienced the kind of vacuous seeing that you talk about. Hollywood, or anything like it, is another planet. When I talk to someone out in the world, I want them to see me, not because I’m young or hot but because I matter.
carldagostino
December 19, 2010
As long as you never allow yourself to be the source of some one’s misfortune and never pass up an opportunity to do a charitable act, you matter. A great deal.
writerwoman61
December 19, 2010
I loved this post, Renée! Empowering words for us “invisible people.”
I think you’re awesome…I hope to meet you in person some day!
Hugs,
Wendy
lifeintheboomerlane
December 19, 2010
Thanks, Wendy. While I love to write funny pieces, there are so many more serious issues that I’m passionate about. My brain flips back and forth between the two. And yes, it would be amazing to meet face-to-face. You were the first blogger I started to follow!
Amiable Amiable
December 19, 2010
I second the 1st comment by Kathy!
I can relate to being invisible, though I can’t remember the first time. I also recall many times when I’ve been visible but apparently mute, because nobody was listening to what I was saying to them.
Also, as a woman turning 50 next month, each time someone calls me “Ma’am” is as though it’s the first time all over again! How is this possible when I feel like I’m in my 30s? (Some days!) And rest assured I do NOT try to look like I’m in my 20s like many women in my age bracket! I don’t mind looking my age, except for the gray – I do have an ounce or two of vanity and several ounces of Clairol, afterall.
Amiable Amiable
December 19, 2010
P.S. I tried to click on Hippie Cahier and it didn’t work – maybe it’s just me! But I searched and found and am heading over to read!
writerwoman61
December 19, 2010
Here’s the link to Hippie’s post:
http://hippiecahier.wordpress.com/2010/12/15/the-invisible-woman-returns/
Wendy
lifeintheboomerlane
December 19, 2010
Wendy save the day!
lifeintheboomerlane
December 19, 2010
Thanks. It’s a topic many of us can relate to but isn’t written about all that much. One of my favorite stories was from a friend who was standing at a dept store counter, patiently waiting while the clerk talked on his cell. Finally, she reached over, took the phone from his hand, and calmly said, “I’m the customer, and I would like service. Thanks so much.”
Many of us walk that fine line between wanting to look as good as possible, without looking like our daughters (or granddaughters). In past generations, age was applauded, so young people tried to look older. Now, it’s the reverse.
duke1959
December 19, 2010
Don’t sell yourself short. Men do notice! Many men however are scared to death of introducing themseleves even in the most casual way. I am well over 6 feet and there are times I feel invisable.
TexasTrailerParkTrash
December 19, 2010
Like they say on “What Not to Wear” all the time, how you look on the outside should reflect how you feel on the inside. When I see older women (in their 70s or 80s) who are well groomed and dressed nicely, I always go out of my way to compliment them. I certainly notice them and I think they should get some positive feedback for showing that they value themselves enough to make the effort. It’s not about sex appeal but more about self worth, I think.
My daughter, who is 39, took her daughter to an ice skating rink yesterday where some teenage girls were using a lot of foul language within earshot. She told them to stop and they fell all over themselves with the “Yes, ma’ams.” My daughter later lamented that she had gotten her first “ma’am,” and hadn’t seen that one coming. 🙂
lifeintheboomerlane
December 19, 2010
I love that you mentioned older women who are well-groomed and nicely dressed. I feel the same way. And I also send compliments their way. Older women, regardless of body type, who wear even just a great pin or earrings or whatever, rock. It’s the “Here I am” thing.
And your daughter should be so proud of what she said to those girls. It’s time we all called attention to unacceptable behavior.
TexasTrailerParkTrash
December 19, 2010
Back in the late 1950s, early 1960s, women actually got dressed up to go shopping, not like now where sweatpants and a tube top are more the norm. When I was in junior high, I can remember shopping with my mother at a mall where I saw a very attractive, older African-American woman who was so striking in her appearance. Her lovely gray hair was cropped close to her head and she was wearing a suit and just looked so chic. After nearly 50 years, she still stands out in my memory as someone to emulate.
lifeintheboomerlane
December 19, 2010
Thanks so much, Wendy! I inserted the link that you provided. I don’t know how to do that (I’ve only just discovered the “link” button very recently.) If anyone can explain it to me using words a kindergartner would understand, I’d really appreciate it.
duke1959
December 19, 2010
Whenever someone calls me sir I look around to see who they are speaking to. I have never gotten used to it.
lifeintheboomerlane
December 19, 2010
I have that response to the Ma’am thing, but I do appreciate that people are being respectful.
sunshineinlondon
December 19, 2010
I love this post, Renee. I so agree with you that it’s not about anything else except that I matter and I am here and present. I love your attitude and find you so inspiring – you have so much to offer and you are ridiculously funny.
Sunshine xx
lifeintheboomerlane
December 19, 2010
Oh my. I’ve started several responses. I’ll just say thanks. Oh, and I do think we all inspire each other, don’t you think?
Patricia
December 19, 2010
I remember my first realization of being invisible–I had heard about it but was shocked when it happened. I really don’t mind the ma’am thing–it is respectful and there is little enough respect for age or anything else. But I cannot stand being called or referred to as “the little lady”! What’s with that–I am woman!
lifeintheboomerlane
December 19, 2010
I’ve never had to deal with that. But I do remember when I was pregnant, there were people who would call me “Little Mama” or something like that. Ugh. Any words that diminish us as women aren’t acceptable.
wolfsrosebud
December 19, 2010
Oh ya… been there. Never really thought about it, but I will now.
lifeintheboomerlane
December 19, 2010
Thanks for reading. And if you have thoughts about it, please share.
laynechin
December 20, 2010
I feel invisible.” That really hurts for old people. They may collapse for the loneliness.
lifeintheboomerlane
December 20, 2010
Thanks for reading. Elderly people can, indeed, feel very isolated in our society.
36x37
December 20, 2010
What a fabulous–and true–post, Renee. I think that invisible feeling is something we notice in bits and spurts well before our 50th birthdays. But I agree with you–the best way to be noticed is to respect yourself enough to actually WANT to be. That’s something I really just learned recently.
lifeintheboomerlane
December 20, 2010
Thanks. Yes, that’s a great way to put it. We have to start by respecting ourselves enough to want to be noticed.
hannahjustbreathe
December 20, 2010
Such a wonderful post. I can’t help but thinking, though, that this idea of being visible/invisible isn’t necessary tied to age. I mean, I think teen-agers can make the conscious decision (or, actually, subconscious, too) to live a life of invisibility, so as to avoid bullying or boys’ attention or the teacher’s sharp eye.
Maybe it just age that gives us the vantage point—and the wisdom—to see our invisibility…and, better yet, to change it.
lifeintheboomerlane
December 20, 2010
Great point. Invisibility can happen at any age, for a variety of reasons. Often, with younger people, it’s a choice. As we age, we sometimes become invisible in the greater society without even realizing it. So yes, being aware of it and doing something about it is empowering.
Tori Nelson
December 20, 2010
Oddly enough, at the ripe old age of 23, I felt exactly this way after having my son. I felt like my shine dimmed so much that I went from lighting up a room to maybe just occupying space in the corner of it. Just like you said, it ultimately was a choice that I would at least shine enough to be seen that got me out of the corner!
Awesome post, sister!
lifeintheboomerlane
December 20, 2010
Thanks for reading, Tori. Yes, pregnancy and young motherhood can also result in that same feeling of invisibility. Bravo to you that you made the choice to shine through.
stone bridges
December 20, 2010
Boomer Lane — speaking as a man I see your point, which is well expressed, but give the guy a break. He was probably focused on the cheerios and the mini-wheats and the grape nuts, trying to figure out which one has the most fiber!
lifeintheboomerlane
December 20, 2010
Laughing. I don’t think so, but I’ll leave some room for doubt.
Hippie Cahier
December 21, 2010
I had a feeling something was up. So sorry to take so long to get here to read, but so glad that I did. I like this post and I intend to read the book, just as soon as I log off this doggone computer. Thank you for the compliment and the link love (as pedals and pencils would say).
If you see Safeway guy again, tell him to get the Cap’n. His friends will thank you for it. 🙂
Hippie Cahier
December 21, 2010
P.S. I love your new picture!
lifeintheboomerlane
December 21, 2010
Thanks. And thanks. And thanks for your post which made me realize , Damn, I care so much about this topic, why haven’t I written anything about it? Duh.
Bob
December 22, 2010
The becoming invisible thing is quite real I’m afraid as we age. My career before retiring was radio. Advertisers only wanted people under 49. Today it is more likely to be under 34. The seriously flawed theory is the younger group has more money to spend, or spends it more freely. That means TV and movies ignore most people with the sags and the bags.
How to be more visible? Don’t adhere to the stereotypes of aging . Shake it up, try different things, avoid comb overs . Life as we age can be intensely fulfilling and exciting.
lifeintheboomerlane
December 22, 2010
Thanks for reading, Bob. I love your response to how to be visible. The “shake it up, try different things” is so important. I use the word “reinvention” sometimes. We have the ability to reinvent ourselves, in large ways and small, no matter how old we are. And thanks for mentioning the comb over thing.
Walker
December 22, 2010
I’ve never really articulated it as ‘invisible’ but the word is just right. I tend to not “show up” for my own life sometimes- meaning that I let my insecurities, thoughts, old criticisms (thanks, mom) hold me back. And, when I do show up as fully me, allowing myself to be the real me it shows and I can tell that people are paying attention. Age or not. But, when it comes to the man-woman thing? Unless he’s 80, he’s not likely to be looking at someone my age and I hate that. We do have an age bias in our culture- and it’s something I try to counter when I can, but it’s a challenge.
As for the looking people in the eye, I made a decision years ago to make eye contact more often-to acknowledge the human in each person I came in contact with. Now, I might not do that on a busy city street, but… I think it makes a difference for both the giver and the receiver.
lifeintheboomerlane
December 22, 2010
I love that part about not showing up for your own life. We are all guilty of that at times. And yes, it’s always because of the old “conversations” we play in our heads, those tired tapes that repeat and repeat (“You’re not good enough. You’re not smart enough. You’re not pretty enough…”) And it’s always so amazing when we forget the tape for even a minute how we shine. When I focus out instead of focusing in, people respond immediately. Always.
Re men wanting younger women: Jean (one of my co-authors) and I have this “discussion” all the time. She would be on your side of the fence. I have a totally different take on that. OK, now I want to post something about that!
Walker
December 23, 2010
I await that post.
I have thoughts and experiences about dating, lordy…do I . And, I have found men my age who wanted to date peers. And, they of course are the keepers, in my opinion.
Thomas
December 22, 2010
There have been a few times recently when I have been standing at the counter in a store and the person looks right through me and then goes back to whatever they are doing. I come home from these trips and have been saying to my wife, “I must be invisible.” It’s nice to know it’s not just me.
lifeintheboomerlane
December 22, 2010
It’s not just you. I’m all for speaking up now whenever I don’t get the service I deserve.
Walker
December 23, 2010
I think some of this invisibility is being fostered, in part by the growing dependence on the internet. We/they tweet and blog and email and whatever else is new and hip and rarely pick up the phone or meet for coffee.
We are afraid to connect in real time and it leads to this sense of being unconnected. I think for our kids it’s a dangerous thing.. we are meant to be social beings, we thrive on human, bodily connections.
OK, waxing philosophical this morning…
lifeintheboomerlane
December 23, 2010
I think you are right. And that kind of invisibility goes across age groups. It makes all of us invisible/unconnected. The more sophisticated the communication technology gets, the less real communication occurs. So in that sense, we are all walking around being sensory-deprived.
subWOW
December 25, 2010
I love this reminder: the difference between ‘I’m here’ and ‘Here I am’. Thank you!
lifeintheboomerlane
December 25, 2010
You’re welcome.
Linda at Bar Mitzvahzilla
December 26, 2010
I love this post! About a year and a half ago (I must’ve felt my 50th birthday looming!) I started upgrading my wardrobe. I live a casual life but I really felt like that just wasn’t going to cut it anymore. And then I started watching What Not to Wear on top of it! I alway did feel seen but probably because I’m a nut for makeup and hair but I have to say that having a higher standard for how I leave the house gives a different feeling to my days.
lifeintheboomerlane
December 26, 2010
Thanks for reading. I’m a What Not to Wear junkie. I’ve changed a couple things I wear because of the show, and now I understand why other things always looked good on me (high waist, V neck). BTW, I don’t have 8 sisters (I’m an only child) or live in the desert, but I did have a full tilt boogie Bar Mitzvah Crisis with my youngest who ripped the car handle off the door because I told him he had to go to Bar Mitzvah class and not soccer practice.
jenyjenny
December 31, 2010
Ha, I remember the day that I discovered I was invisible. My divorce had become final and I was forcing myself to go to lunch alone, at public places. I went to the Pizza Hut buffet at lunch and I never got waited on! After a while of not being noticed, I got a plate off the buffet and just dined. When I went to pay, I told them I didn’t have a drink or a check, so how much do I owe you? The manager had to come out. She was horrified and told me my meal was free. However, I felt different after that experience. I really began making comparisons in other areas; my “career,” my social life that sucked, presents I had bought for people that were not reciprocated or even acknowledged (and I don’t really like keeping score, but yet it’s so *in the face*)—sigh.
lifeintheboomerlane
December 31, 2010
Thanks for reading. I love that you took matters into your own hands, and I also think it’s a good thing for all of us to look at other areas of our lives to see the patterns. I’d say you can take your experience at Pizza Hut, the being pro active part, and make it work for your career, relationships, etc. Re the presents thing: I do think that’s a symptom of people in general now, the lack of civility. It goes across the board.