The Cooler. The Jacket. The TSA.

Posted on September 13, 2013

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cooler

There is only one way to end a perfect, blissful, stress-free vacation. And that is to create mayhem on the trip back.

Logan Airport, Boston: Life in the Boomer Lane arrives via shuttle, after she and Now Husband have returned their rental car. Now Husband has two items, a small carry on and an empty hard plastic-lined canvas cooler. LBL advises NH that there is no need to check the cooler. He agrees. LBL checks her mammoth suitcase and the two approach Security. LBL whisks through Security flawlessly, as the high tech body scanner is able to see into her very soul. When she comes out, she is aware that NH is nowhere to be seen.

Back at the beginning of the conveyor belt of the only working scanner, she finds NH. She also finds what appears to be every TSA agent who works at Logan. NH and they are looking at the baggage scanner. No one is moving. Apparently, neither is the conveyor belt. LBL asks someone what is going on.

โ€œA cooler got stuck in the scanner,โ€ is the answer.

LBL notes that a stuck cooler has not been included in TSA training. After conferring with each other, and confirming that trying to get the cooler through the scanner another five or six times doesnโ€™t result in unjamming the machinery, they proceed to shut down and reboot the entire scanning device. They also start dismantling the scanner.

LBL is told that this will take a while, so she does the only thing a supportive spouse can do in a frustrating situation. She heads for the nearest snack stand and purchases a jumbo bag of M&Ms.

Halfway through the M&Ms, NH appears with his suitcase and cooler, which has now taken on a shape that the cooler manufacturer never intended. LBL turns to walk toward the boarding area, but notices that NH has emitted a sound somewhere between a groan and a squeak. He announces that he has left his leather jacket back in the rental car. There is just enough time for him to take the shuttle back to the car rental place to retrieve it.

NH turns and sprints back through security. LBL goes to the waiting area, where she can finish her M&Ms in peace. After a couple minutes, she hears an announcement that includes both her name and the name of NH. She is told at the desk that there is an unattended suitcase and an object that looks like it used to be a cooler, sitting by themselves just outside the Security.

LBL is accompanied by a TSA official who gives her a lecture about leaving unattended luggage. She pours the rest of the M&Ms into her mouth and assures him it will never happen again.

Back at the gate, she disposes of the empty M&Ms bag and arranges her face into that of Concerned Spouse Who Is Afraid Her Husband Will Miss His Flight. NH appears, wearing his leather jacket and tells her he has just enough time to go to the snack stand to get food for them for the flight. He is especially concerned that LBL might be hungry. LBL voices her appreciation. Before he leaves, he notes that LBL has what appears to be a blob of chocolate near her mouth. He lovingly wipes it away. The events of the morning have distracted him too much to ask where the blob came from.

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Posted in: humor, husband, travel