Osama Bin Laden: The Expose

It is only now that Osama Bin Laden is finally dead, that certain questions can be answered: 

What’s up with the woman’s clothes thing?  Reports have established that Osama Bin Laden regularly went about disguised as a woman.  As he was bearded and he is believed to have been somewhere between 6’4” and 6’6”, it can now be revealed that he never had any matches during the evenings he attended Islamabad Speed Dating Events. 

How was his house found?  The CIA became suspicious when it was learned that a certain house on the outskirts of Islamabad had 14 foot high concrete walls around it, barbed wire on the top, a helipad, and a kennel filled with pit bulls.  Suspiciously,the home had neither phone service nor internet service.  Nightly surveillance revealed that there were regular deliveries from “Small and Tall Women’s Clothing” in Sunnyvale, CA, as well as packages from DSW.  Agents posing as stray dogs were able to ascertain that the shoes were size 14N and were mostly mid-heel comfort styles. 

Why didn’t anyone ever notice a 6’6” woman coming and going?  Neighbors did notice.  Some assumed it was someone connected to the popular Pakistani cross-dressing show, Begum Nawazish Ali.  Others hid their sons.

 What’s up with the cassette tape thing? The CIA has long wondered why all of Bin Laden’s messages were on cassette tapes, forcing them to repeatedly purchase old cassette players from a store on eBay.  The question was finally answered when it was learned that the operator of the store was an uncle of Bin Laden’s.  He has now changed the name ofthe store and specializes in VCRs and Beta machines. Agents are keeping a close eye on him.

What does all this have to do with Donald Trump?  Trump has released the following statement: “I credit myself entirely for the death of Mr Bin Laden.  Because of my constant public harassment of President Obama, he knew that he had to create a huge diversion.  The only way to take the focus off his birth certificate and school records was to have Mr Bin Laden killed.”