A Private Phone Conversation Between Ivana and Melania

(ringing phone)

Melania: Hello?

Ivana (growly voice): Is Donald there, please?  I am a representative of some country.

I know it’s you, Ivana.

It’s not me. It’s someone else. 

Ivana, you’ve tried this before. And Donald isn’t here. He’s on the golf course.

Which one?

I’m not telling you. And you need to stop calling.  I’m First Lady now.  You had your chance.

You are Third Lady. I’m First Lady. Donald calls me all the time to ask my advice.

Ivana, Donald asks a lot of people for advice: He doesn’t follow anyone’s advice, anyway.

I told him to challenge Tillerson to an IQ test. He did it.

That might not have been a good piece of advice, Ivana.

You don’t think Donald is smart?

Believing that Donald has an extraordinarily high IQ is part of my prenup.

I told him to keep Tweeting. His Tweets are way fun to read. Do you like his Tweets?

Ivana, I have no option about Donald’s Tweets. Opinions about Donald’s Tweeting aren’t allowed  in my prenup.

What are you allowed to have an opinion on, where Donald is concerned?

My lawyers are working on that. So far, they haven’t found anything.  It’s a pretty solid prenup.

I told Donald to build a wall.  I am First Wall Builder.

I think Bannon told him that. And there’s no Wall.

I told him to repeal and replace Obamacare. I am First Health Care Destroyer.

Yeah. That’s not going so well.

I designed the Red Baseball Caps.  I am First Baseball Cap Designer.

I think that was Kellyanne Conway.

I told Donald to declare war on North Korea. 

I think he heard that on Fox & Friends.

I raised all of our children. Donald did nothing. If I can’t be First Lady, I can be First Mother. 

I have Barron.  And Marla Maples has that other one with the eyes who shows up sometimes. And who knows how many other kids he has, out there? So you aren’t even First Mother.

I’m going to advise him to divert all resources from Puerto Rico, in order to help all the people in Sonoma whose wine cellars are being ruined by the wildfires. 

I think he’s already considering this, now that Puerto Rico has paper towels.

I have a hot lover who is twenty-six years old.   What do you have?

apparently, only a prenup. I’m hanging up now, Ivana.

My prenup is way better than your pre-nup. I’m First Prenup. 

I’m hanging up now, Ivana.