What with all the recent antics involving Rick Santorum, Mitt Romney and the rise in women being encouraged to eat their placentas after giving birth, I totally forgot about one of the most memorable airport experiences I had on this most recent trip to Turkey. It occurred on the first leg of my journey, at Dulles, Washington DC (really the far off suburbs), standing in line behind a young family: dad, mom, baby.
Out in the world, I like to start conversations with young moms, in which I say profound things like “How old is the baby? He/she/it reminds me of my grandson, who is one/three.” The young mom then tells me the age of the baby and usually offers some other gem like “He/she/it is big/small for his/her/its age.” (I have never heard a young mom tell me her baby is normal weight). I then counter with “Each of my grandsons was so big that they had to make new weight charts for them.” Our relationship has now been solidified.
If time allows, we may discuss potty training, nursing, labor and delivery, crawling/walking. I always speak only about my daughter and grandsons, because my own children were raised at a time in which we now know that everything we did was bad and wrong, if not worse.
So, back to Dulles. I was in the midst of developing a close, personal relationship with the young mom in front of me, as we inched closer to the luggage scanner and the metal detector that would start its odious beeping at the detection of the vast amount of metal in my body.
Anticipating my usual pat down, I barely heard the TSA person remind everyone to remove their belts. The young mom looked down, and, while still holding the baby, undid her large, brass belt buckle, and, with one hand, yanked the belt away from her body.
As if in slow motion, I watched the belt move in a graceful arc away from her body, and, like a recently graduated, jobless child, come back around to the place it started, then continue in an upward arc and slam in a very non-balletic way into the underside of my chin. I’d say I saw stars, but this was more like an entire constellation. My hand flew up to my face, and I was surprised that
my chin was still located below my mouth. I probably grunted and doubled over, but I don’t recall. Whatever I did, it got the young mom’s attention. It’s tough to fully experience a medical emergency and a shocked, contrite, horrified response while conveyor belts and luggage are whizzing by, shoes are being flung around, and TSA types are barking orders. All I could croak out was “It’s OK, don’t worry about me,” as she and the baby disappeared beyond the security area and rushed off to their departure gate.
By the time I got onto the plane, I could no longer feel the lower half of my face. By the time the plane landed my chin was black. The bruise is now gone and all that’s left is to photoshop all the pictures of me taken in Istanbul. While I’mat it, I might take off 10 lbs as a reward for pain and suffering.
John
September 19, 2012
I always thought of DC as the nation’s beltway, but never like that.
Life in the Boomer Lane
September 19, 2012
Oooh, good one, John.
societyred
September 19, 2012
Ouch! What a way to start a vacation!
Life in the Boomer Lane
September 19, 2012
That’s exactly what I thought. And then the flight was delayed. And then the airline went on strike. And then my suitcase was lost….
Irene
September 19, 2012
Ah, one more story to add to my list of “what to avoid when I take my first plane flight”: Woman with brass belts.
Life in the Boomer Lane
September 19, 2012
I can send you an exhaustive list of things to avoid.
toshalot
September 19, 2012
renee! shut up! no WAY!
i just laughed so hard reading this though that i sprayed a half- masticated bite of babybel cheese at my computer screen.
Life in the Boomer Lane
September 19, 2012
I love when the tragedy of my life amuses others.
cindyricksgers
September 19, 2012
Absolutely, you earned a 10 lb. photo-shopped weight loss! Without a doubt!
Life in the Boomer Lane
September 19, 2012
Thanks, Cindy.
notquiteold
September 19, 2012
Take 15 lbs – you deserve it.
Last year I went out with friends who have a hummer. Hummer doors are weird. I hit myself in the nose as I opened the door in the dark. I pretended during dinner that I hadn’t broken my nose. I deserve an academy award. And 15 lbs.
Life in the Boomer Lane
September 19, 2012
Oh my, that’s another freaky accident. Now i will start to fear Hummers.
notquiteold
September 19, 2012
And well you should. They are vicious.
omawarisan
September 19, 2012
Do you think the baby was in on it?
Life in the Boomer Lane
September 19, 2012
I don’t know, but I guess it was a good thing she didn’t smack me in the chin with the baby.
Anonymous
September 19, 2012
ouch ouch ouch, glad bruise is gone! you deserved a double scotch on the flight….and of course anything you want photoshopped……
Life in the Boomer Lane
September 19, 2012
It was crazy. Dan had me reinact the entire thing, because he couldn’t believe it actually happened. Thank goodness I stopped short of smacking myself in the chin again.
morristownmemos by Ronnie Hammer
September 19, 2012
She is well known in airports around the world. She rents a baby, befriends a kindly grandmother on the security line, and snags her soundly with her belt after befriending her and earning her trust.
So sorry you got trapped in this scam.
Life in the Boomer Lane
September 19, 2012
I’m laughing. Except I’m thinking really hard about that.
Snoring Dog Studio
September 20, 2012
Hilarious! – I’ll be on the lookout for her.
Life in the Boomer Lane
September 20, 2012
She’s crafty, all right. I’m sure the baby was borrowed.
Betty Londergan
September 20, 2012
i love that slow-motion analogy of the kid returning to the nest … you are SO funny. But how horrible and what was she THINKING wearing a huge belt like that when she had to go thru security with a baby… hasn’t she gotten the mommy memo on elastic waist bands?? Oh, these cute young moms these days!!!
Carl D'Agostino
September 21, 2012
Quit being so sedentary. If you would just walk to Turkey you would not have these problems.