The Well-Dressed Closet

Posted on March 3, 2016




Life in the Boomer Lane was standing at her curb, yesterday, depositing a carton into the recycling bin, before the recycling truck was ro arrive.  A woman was walking by with her dog. She stopped in front of LBL and complimented her on her cute little workout top (Forever 21, really cheap).  LBL thanked her for the compliment and said, “Forever 21. Really cheap.”  The woman answered, “Workout clothes are important for me, because I don’t wear anything else.” LBL responded, “Me either. Even if I never actually make it to the gym.”

This brings us to the sad fact of LBL’s life. Each morning, she puts on her workout clothes, fully intending to go to the gym and then come home and change into her real clothes. One of two things then happens:

  1. She goes to the gym, then does about 10 errands and goes to appointments
  2. She does about 10 errands and goes to appointments and never makes it to the gym

In either case, she has spent the day in her workout clothes. And, as cute as her workout clothes may be, she would really rather not have people think that she only owns black spandex pants, a tak top, and an adorable stretchy top that goes over the tank (Forever 21, really cheap).

Since LBL is a Realtor (capital “R”), perceptive readers may be asking, “Why am I reading this nonsense instead of doing important things with my life?” Others of you may be asking, “How can LBL wear workout clothes when she is a Realtor (capital “R”) and has to meet clients?”  The answer to the first question is that this blog, as idiotic and insignificant as it may be, is better for your mental health than following the political mayhem occurring right now all over the country. The answer to the second question is that LBL will often say to clients, “Please excuse the non-professional clothing.  I’ve just come from the gym.” People who live in the important, fast-paced Washington,DC area are impressed and will even sometimes remark “Cute top.” LBL will not answer “Forever 21. Really cheap,” for the same reason she drives a Mercedes (pre-owned, really cheap). Appearances are everything.

LBL loves clothes. She doesn’t have that many, because she tosses anything that she doesn’t love anymore and because if she has too many clothes, she loses track of what she has and then she has massive anxiety attacks. The end result is that she has a closet with beautiful clothes and great shoes, but she could easily rent out half of the space to someone who has too many clothes. So, she has a partially-empty, well-dressed closet, as she, herself, lives in workout clothes.

LBL must now take a small detour in her chain of thought, because she has now been distracted by thinking about a couple friends of hers who own obscene amounts of clothing. We are talking 40 pairs of black pants, 20 white peasant tops, 23 pairs of stretch pants of different colors, 25 tunic tops.  These clothes cover a variety of sizes and decades. And that’s not even to speak about dozens and dozens of purses, belts, etc.

One friend moved from a townhouse to a condo.  She had a large, walk in closet in the condo, which wasn’t nearly enough for all her clothes. She stuffed as many as she could into the closet.  It didn’t take long for her to hear a loud crash.  The clothes bar had come down, taking with it part of the closet walls.  It took her days to pick of the clothes.  the closet had to be reconstructed with steel-reinforced walls.

Another friend lost a lot of weight. LBL went into her closet and threw out about half of the clothes. This amounted to hundreds of items of clothing, dating abck to the 1980s. The friend eventually regained the weight, had nothing to wear, and had to replace everything. She mostly did, except for the clothes with big shoulder pads and a lot of sparkles. She still reminds LBL of her loss and hold LBL fully responsible.

A third friend realized at some point that she had seven winter jackets, all more or less the same. This is another event that causes LBL massive anxiety.  On occasion, she has purchased exactly the same item that already exists in her closet. LBL can’t even describe to you, Dear Reader, what happens in her brain when she discovers this. She will spare you the details.  Even thinking about this is enough to bring on an anxiety attack.

Now back to the workout clothes.  Sometimes LBL thinks that she should admit to the reality of her life and simply shop at Lululemon and pay thousands of dollars for designer workout clothing that can go seamlessly from the gym to the opera. But she cringes at paying $150 or more for workout pants when there are alternatives for $25 or less.

This morning, LBL discovered a new clothing site with an unpronouceable name,  great clothes and reasonable prices. She ordered an adorable jacket.  She can’t wait till it arrives, so that it can join the other great clothes in her closet. As most of LBl’s clothes are in the same color range (black) and style (simple cut, minimalist), they all get along She knows the other clothes will warmly welcome the new jacket, since they have so much in common. And LBL takes real pleasure each morning as she grabs her workout clothes from their basket, to see her real clothes all lined up, having a wonderful time with each other and not getting all messed up by being actually worn.

Posted in: humor, satire, shopping, women