The New Hampshire Nipple Bill

Posted on March 2, 2016



Lest you thought that New Hampshire was only known for primaries and the Pitco Frialator, you would be wrong, especially this year. With the exit of the politicians, media, pizza delivery people, and professional make up artists from the state on February 9, New Hampshire did not revert to its usual no-news condition. New Hampshire has made the news again. This time, it’s over nipples.

While the planet has been distracted by warfare, terrorism, starvation, refugees, and Kanye’s money problems, lawmakers in New Hampshire believe they have identified the actual cause of societal breakdown.  It’s the breast.  Or rather, the uncovering of the breast.  Or, even more specifically, the uncovering of a woman’s breast in public places with “reckless disregard” for whether it would offend someone. .

New Hampshire lawmakers have thus proposed a bill seeking to to criminalize women exposing their breasts in public. They say they are trying to shield families and children. Republican Rep. Brian Gallagher said, “This is about a movement to change the values of New Hampshire society.”

Backers of the legislation cautioned that allowing women to go topless at beaches will create a slippery slope (no pun intended) where women are going topless at public libraries and Little League baseball games. And, as we all know, it’s a small step from that to being topless at church or to a night out at the opera. Soon, there will be no place in New Hampshire that will be safe from nipple assault.

And, since lawmakers have recently been wrapping themselves up more in the constitution than in the flag, we will now look at what that revered document says about bare nipples.

Opponents of the bill charge such a ban violates the constitution by creating different standards for men and women.  A spokesperson for the nipple-bearers countered with “We are not lunatics, we are not radical, we’re not looking to go to football games topless or libraries or school meetings. If there is a man in a public space who is obviously comfortable enough, then why should I not have that same right?”

LBL can’t get on board with this approach.  For one thing, she is a devotee of “General Hospital,” and all soaps depend heavily on showing male actors opening their front door bare-chested (“I’m just out of the shower!”  “I was just working out!” “I am getting dressed!” “I was just measuring the size of my nipples!”), she can’t imagine how silly they would look, always wearing shirts.

Students of the constitution were quick to point out that the First Amendment does not protect a woman’s nipples.  The NRA was quick to weigh in. “The Second Amendment protects our right to bear arms, because guns are the bedrock of civilized society.  Unlike bare nipples, guns move us forward.  Bare nipples are icky and dangerous and just sort of hang there, doing not much of anything.”

This blogger did her usual amount of research to find out how actual people felt about this issue.  The most interesting response was:

Not meaning offense, but I mean with so much of real current women’s rights issue being on the forced dress codes, like the hijab and niqab stuff, me thinks sometimes the women that do these topless protests should give the burka a try instead if they really care about women’s rights and dress codes. Not as punishment or anything permanant, but maybe for a shift in perspective. I suppose though that this “movement” is more likely an excuse to wile (sic) out rather than being a genuine cause.

LBL has given a lot of thoughtful consideration to this response, and she has come to the conclusion that she has no idea what this person is saying. But LBL will fight for her right to bare her opinion and not wear a burka. Or something like that.