A friend of mine has a father who spends little time with his grandchildren. He much prefers living his own life, rather than attending sports practices and school events. It turns out that this man is still working, and is actively engaged in his profession. He writes books and travels the world, teaching and lecturing. He has had an impact on people wherever he goes. He has also provided his grandchildren with trips to various places on the planet. He takes them because he knows that travel and experiencing different cultures is one of the best educations a person can have. He has never taken them to Disney World
The question is, should this man suck it up and happily attend the soccer games? Or, is his value simply who he is, a strong role model for his grandchildren, of someone whose vision and determination can literally change lives and whose own interests can benefit others?
There is no doubt that there are as many grandparent personalities as there are personalities in general. Most of them bring something to the table of value. Some are caregivers, when their children have to work. Some are are nurterers, who remember all the special days. Some attend the sports events and engage in all the physical acyivity of their grandchildren. Some take the role of teacher. Some travel with their grandchildren. Some cook and do crafts. Many are combinations of the above. Some, like my friend’s father, grandparent mostly by the example of their lives.
My own grandmother never attended a school event or took me to a park (or anywhere else). She never tossed a ball or chased me across a field. She never read me books (she was illiterate in the English language) or told me stories or sang me songs. She never engaged in arts and crafts projects with me, or played board games, or played dolls. Even her hugs were measured.
I adored her. She was a gentle soul, the counterpoint to a grandfather who spoke too loud and too often, whose opinions were often unwelcome and abrasive. She was, for me, the quiet space, the calm in the storm. When I spoke, she listened. She listened intently. When I “entertained” the family with my jokes and routines, her focus on me was total.
At no time did I ever wish for a different kind of grandmother. To be in her company was to feel a boundless kind of love and acceptance, that was, more often than not, wordless.
The lesson she taught me was the power of quiet persistance. She was steadfast in her love and her committment to family. She never sought gratitude or acknowledgement. In a life of many challenges, she bore those challenges with dignity. And, when the occasion called for it, she used the power she had to protect her children. My mother was her stepdaughter, brought to her motherless, from another country, when she was eight years old. Their love for each other was total. She died in my mother’s arms.
So, what is a good grandparent? Most of us will not have to assume the role of parent with our grandchildren, with all of the responsibility and distraction that is involved. Unlike parenting, in which we can be placed in situations in which we may have to make decisions that are uncomfortable for us or make us second-guess ourselves, as grandparents, we have the luxury of operating from our strengths and giving the best of ourselves to our grandchildren.
We can be occasional caretakers, occasional playmates, occasional teachers, occasional fellow travelers. We can listen without distraction, and we can slow down the pace that harried parents are often forced to operate at. Or, we can inspire by the way we live our lives and by the personal choices we make. Whatever path we choose, our grandchildren’s lives will be richer for it.
And, yes, we can take them to Disney World.
Roxanne Jones
February 1, 2016
Great message!
Roxanne Jones Freelance writer specializing in health & medicine Hurley Communications 207.729.6209 (office) 207.607.0210 (cell) roxanne@hurleycomm.com http://www.hurleycomm.com
Life in the Boomer Lane
February 2, 2016
Thanks, Roxanne, and thanks for visiting Life in the Boomer Lane.
claudiajustsaying
February 1, 2016
Great Post . . . just saying
Life in the Boomer Lane
February 2, 2016
Thanks, Claudia.
Rebecca Latson Photography
February 1, 2016
Bravo. There are as many different types of grandparents out there as there are personalities. Since when are grandparents placed in a silo as to how they should be to their grandkids? My two sets of grandparents were totally different from each other and yet I know I was loved by both.
Life in the Boomer Lane
February 2, 2016
Thanks, Rebecca. Yes we all have something to bring to the table.
Kate Crimmins
February 1, 2016
Great article. My granddaughters live cross country so there are no soccer games and such. When they come east, they can be exhausting for someone who is not around children ever. I don’t do the arts and crafts stuff or even kid movies. I was struggling for a while until I realized that I could share some things we have in common. I take them shopping for their school clothes (what a hoot that is!). We eat pizza. They eat clams and I eat sweet potato fries. It took a while to find the groove but I’m not a traditional grandma and would hate every minute of it if I had to fake it. As it is, we are great friends. I love that your post is accepting of people who are outside the box. PS: I did make cookies with them once. Burned them and had to toss. Then we went to Mrs. Field’s.
Life in the Boomer Lane
February 2, 2016
Shopping and eating pizza are my two favorite activities. I think it’s all about being authentic, period.Your granddaughters will always cherish that they had an independant grandma who, when she was with them, was with them because she really did enjoy their company.
underwritingsolutionsllc
February 1, 2016
To thine own self be true.
Life in the Boomer Lane
February 2, 2016
Amen.
Andrew Reynolds
February 1, 2016
Grand kids are the best. All a grandpa has to do is show up and be there. For reasons I’ll never understand mine seem to enjoy listening to my stories.
Life in the Boomer Lane
February 2, 2016
I suspect you are doing a bit more than just showing up. And I’ll bet they are outstanding stories, Andrew.
ugiridharaprasad
February 1, 2016
Reblogged this on ugiridharaprasad.
Life in the Boomer Lane
February 2, 2016
Thanks for the reblog!
Anonymous
February 1, 2016
I never wanted a grandparent to be like the other grandparents. The summer sitter taught the kids crafts. My parents were true life examples – sharing experiences along the way. Your article is exceptionally well stated and eloquent.
Life in the Boomer Lane
February 2, 2016
Wow, thanks. I’m honored.
judithhb
February 1, 2016
Yes, different kinds of grandparents. One of my grandsons told me I wasn’t a real grandmother. We had just spent time talking about what we had all done that day – They’d been to school, I’d been on a building site, hard hat and all. Now that they are older we still talk about what we have done I don’t have to pick them up from school and I don’t take them to the movies etc, but I do enjoy hearing about their lives.
Life in the Boomer Lane
February 2, 2016
What a great compliment your grandson gave you. I’ll bet there aren’t many grandmas who rock hard hats during the day. Thanks for sharing that.
Sande Caplin
February 1, 2016
Fabulous! I will share on The Sarasota Post this Thursday!
Life in the Boomer Lane
February 2, 2016
Thanks. You are one of the Great Grandpas. xxoo
Bonnie J. Weissman
February 1, 2016
Great post. I think the key thing is to show them you love them and think they are special. Love is the most important thing of all. You don’t have to agree with their parents on everything they think a grandparent is. My twin grandsons will be two in April, and I love being with them. We moved from the DC area to Louisiana to be near my daughter’s family on her request, and were deeply flattered she asked us. We love having them at our beach place, reading to them, etc. and often sub for a parent at their Little Gym classes. I can’t wait to volunteer at their school, attend their sports events, help with practices, and take them to movies, plays, and on trips. I’m an artist who has decorated their nursery and playroom with murals, and hope at least one of them enjoys art. Their parents are very busy (attorneys at big firms), and we often pick our grandsons up from their day care when their folks have to work late.
The one place I won’t take them is to any Disney theme park. My reasons have to do with Disney’s recent labor practices in IT— laying off American employees (many over 50) this past year to sponsor mid level IT people from India at 30 percent less in salary, misusing the II-B Visa Program, which was designed to bring in hard to find skills, like astro physicists and the like. It was a huge story in the NY Times. As a condition of their severance, the outgoing American IT folks had to train their Indian replacements! All this while Disney’s CEO earns an estimated $43 million a year. I know I sound like a pooh face, but that really bothers me.
My daughter and her husband think I’m crazy, but that’s it. Someday when they’re teens or young adults, I will explain my views to my grandsons, and hope they understand that for this grandma, the political can be personal. Somehow, I think this will be OK> Until then, I’ll just tell them Disney’s not my thing, and leave it at that. But as far as the all the other stuff, grandparenthood is the BEST!
Life in the Boomer Lane
February 2, 2016
Thanks for sharing all this, Bonnie, especially everything about Disney. I’ve had issues with the theme parks, but I’ll admit I haven’t been following anything you detailed. Bravo to you for taking a stand. What a great role model you are to your grandchildren. And you bring up another item I didn’t touch on in the post: the ability we have as grandparents to talk about our values to our grandchildren. I know that my own committment is to convey to my grandchildren my respect for the environment, for people of different faiths/races/physical abilities, and my belief that we all have a responsibiliy to give back. They will take their own paths in life, but I want them to know who their NeNe is.
aginggracefullymyass
February 2, 2016
Did you really call yourself a pooh face? I LOVE it! My grandson is only 13 months old and I have a feeling that I will be a pooh face about a number of things as he gets older (one being the Disney theme parks!)
aginggracefullymyass
February 2, 2016
I have no idea what kind of a grandparent I will evolve into… Three of my grandparents were dead by the time I was born and the last one died when I was 6 so I really have no personal experiences with grandparents. Both sets of my kids grandparents lived out of town and were pretty hands off. I don’t think there was any sense of connection with either set as they grew up. My dad moved to the same city we lived in when my kids were tweens, but never showed any interest in them. Even when they were in high school playing varsity sports (football and soccer) he never came to a game although he was invited over and over. When he died, they experienced no sense of loss. Very sad. I KNOW I can do better than he or my husbands parents did!
Life in the Boomer Lane
February 4, 2016
It is, indeed, very sad. I hope you get the opportunity to be a different kind of grandparent. It’s a real gift.
The Good Greatsby
February 3, 2016
My parents are pretty involved in the lives of their grandchildren and it’s a full-time job. It seems they’ve got a game or a recital every night of the week and I don’t know how they have any time for themselves. As much as I appreciate their dedication I wonder what it costs them in terms of personal development.
Life in the Boomer Lane
February 4, 2016
Interesting that you say that. I know grandparents like that, as well. Like you said, it can be a full time job. It’s the other end of the spectrum, and like those who are hands off, it’s a choice.
Sonjey
February 3, 2016
Grandparents and grandparenting can come in all shapes and sizes. It’s a passage in life that has brought me the most joy! Thanks Renee!
Life in the Boomer Lane
February 4, 2016
And thanks for your comments, Sonj. You are certainly one of the great ones. xxoo