Fighting Terrorism With A Cheeseburger and Fries

Posted on August 24, 2012


A recent concern to the US military has been the rising number of “insider” attacks on our troops, specifically coming from Afghan police and soldiers.  Marine Gen. John R. Allen, the top US commander in Afghanistan, speaking to reporters at the Pentagon from his headquarters in Kabul, said the reasons behind the attacks are not fully understood and likely can be attributed to a variety of factors, including Taliban infiltration of the Afghan security forces.

Another source he cited was Ramadan and the requirement for Muslims to not eat or drink during daylight hours.  During Ramadan, which occurs in the ninth month of the Islamic calendar, Muslims refrain from consuming food, drinking liquids (and having sexual relations) from dawn until sunrise.  Ramadan lasts for 29-30 days.

“It’s a very tough time for these (Afghan) forces,” Allen said, particularly since they were fasting during the heat of the summer and the peak of the fighting season and have been facing combat strains for many years. We believe that the combination of many of these particular factors may have come together during the last several weeks to generate the larger numbers of attacks.”

These remarks bring up a lot of considerations, as we review military strategy for the last 50,000 years.  But, since military strategy is as fascinating a topic to this blogger as is the operation of her HVAC system, let’s not.  Let’s just bypass all that and cut to the chase. Specifically: Is a hungry soldier capable of harming soldiers who are on his own team?  We can only consider this in light of our last diet.  The answer is yes.  Research into dieting in the immediate vicinity of this blogger has uncovered the following actions: violently slamming the refrigerator door once an hour, snapping at Now Husband and reassessing her choice of spouse, and “inadvertently” stepping on Miracle the Cat’s tail.  More than once.

One obvious solution to the hunger=terrorism scenario, would be for a committee of Jewish grandmothers to be mobilized who would drop briskets into enemy territory.  Italian grandmothers could follow with baking pans of chicken parm.  Vietnamese grandmothers with egg rolls. You get the picture.  The result would be a happily food-sedated army who would wish no harm to their fellow soldiers.

And, taking this to its logical extreme (“logical” being whatever this writer decides.  This is her blog and she can write whatever the hell she wants to and there is not a goddamn thing you can do about it), the soldiers would not only stop the mayhem within their own community, they would develop warm and fuzzy feelings toward all humanity. Instead of throwing grenades at each other, they would hurl pizzas and Kentucky fried chicken.  The end of each day would be marked with a marshmallow roast and singing of Kumbaya.

Maybe terrorists, TSA officials, traffic cops, and the IRS are just hungry and irritable. Think about it. Then send them all a box of assorted Danishes.